A plan.. Perhaps?

I think we may have finally come to an agreement if you will about a plan for the whole baby thing.. It struck me yesterday.. Adoption. I spent all night googling things and requesting information about Adoption.. Then I just broke down and said I can't do it because I feel like I wouldn't love the child or how unfair would it be to then have a biological child after adopting? Needless to say I spent half of the evening in tears because I just don't know what to do!!

  Of course everything requires money and Adoption is more than IVF. About 25 to 30k. So.. Here is what I think.. is going to happen.


This year.. get healthy, do supplements, take our Disney vacation, Save. Danny told me if we take 100 dollars from each pay check from now (well maybe Feb as we are a little hard pressed starting the new year.. go figure) till August or so.. we will have 3600 dollars.. That's a lot, and just for Disney (plane tickets, park tickets and spending money).. because well I love Disney and I buy a lot! So.. After that save as much as we can, no specific time limit.

Try IVF#2, unless by a miracle we get pregnant naturally!? Hey, I can dream. Then if that doesn't work.. possibly find a way to fund an adoption. I can't believe how open to it I became all of sudden, Danny either. We wanted to try everything possible.. But at the end of the day, we just want a family, a child to love and care for and teach things.

Untill I get my supplements i'll be working out and continuing weight watchers.. I have lost 17 lbs since May I think? Really can't tell, but that was all just watching what I ate and occasionally working out. I am taking my BBT again.. Not like it will do anything LOL, but I guess if we are doing it au naturale I need to know around the time i'm ovulating.. since I cannot for the life of me find my 5000 test strips.


I really hope this year brings some good things our way.

Good Bye 2012.. You kinda sucked. 2013.. can you be good to us?

~Nicki

Happy New Year everyone.

So.. Where to go from here??

Sooo. Yeah. Change.. I hope a lot of it comes our way. There are so many things this year I already want to do or get done.

Let see, for starters.. I want the bathroom DONE.  Its just little things that are standing in our way, like putting trim around the floor, setting the sinks permanently on the wall, finishing painting the ceiling  a couple new cabinets. That's it.

Other things around the house including doing the cabinets in the kitchen, painting the doors and trim in the house. Lots of outside work. We're getting grass in the back yard if it kills me. I don't care how long, how much we have to block off for the dogs.. I'm getting grass!! A clothes line would be nice too ;)

 I think that's about it...as far as house stuff goes...

Now as far as me goes. I want to try going Gluten free, even if its just partial  and just overall eating healthy and working out.. might not be all heavy go at it, just enough for me and to help with weight loss. Of course i'll still have my splurge days.. because well who can't? No one's perfect. So I need to start researching all this junk LOL don't know what I can and can't have. Maybe I can find a book. Wish I could do a detox of some sort.. but I'm not that hard core hahah Unless it was like a 2 day thing but we all know those don't exist.

So.. still need to make my appt. They should be open tomorrow so i'll call. Ugh..I'm kinda of dreading it but want to get it over with.

I'm sure there was more I was gonna write, but gotta get ready to go to work.

~Nicki

PS: Hope all of you had a very Merry Christmas or whatever Holiday you celebrate!

2 trees and a BFN

So.. we officially have had 2 trees this year. The first one I don't know what happened.. but it was crisp as a potato chip when Danny took it out. We watered it, cut off the bottom and it still died!  So Danny being the loving husband that he is.. went out the other day and got a new tree.. LOL its not the best but its alive :)

We started with this.

Beautiful Right?

We ended with this.

See how all the branches are flat?? And its really not.. well green??

Now we have this :)

Green and Happy even tho it looks like its missing a branch at the top LOL

So.. like the title says.. our First IVF failed..Me and Danny are pretty devestated.. but are trying to move on.. Just like my nurse Jodi said  we will have ups and downs. It sucks its was right before Christmas.. and Yesterday.. It did feel like the end of the world. I am  now thinking of all the possible testing and things we can do to move on as quickly as possible. Not cycle wise but life wise. It will be a long time before we cycle again. We will need 18,000 dollars to cycle again. Due to the added need for ICIS. One thing that is still getting to me.. which I will ask Dr. Murray, is why did we have that one Chemical with our first IUI.. is a natural pregnancy possible, Or with IUI??  I will schedule our WTF appt after Christmas.

   I do want to get tested for my Thyroid  maybe any other autoimmune issues.. because I feel that something is totally wrong other than having DOR. Maybe I do have PCOS.. I want to know.. I have been diagnosed, undiagnosed   and partially diagnosed.. Really annoying. I'm one of those people.. Unexplained is NOT an option for me!!! I have symptoms of lots of things.. even if I have to go to my regular Dr.. Who is pretty awesome too.. I will. 

   I do have in the back of my mind that we get healthy and if something is wrong and can be corrected with meds that we *might* conceive naturally.. which would be the best thing ever.. Or maybe even try a couple more IUIs. I will NOT be telling anyone we are trying again.. It was just way overwhelming.. I do appreciate all the prayers and thoughts.. but It was just too much with everyone asking.. and then they can say or do the wrong things.. Which.. well just makes it WORSE. Me and Danny will go at our own pace and keep to ourselves.

   I also want me and Danny to get healthy.. I want to try not to eat out as often and when we do eat better, because there are those weeks you just run and run, then you are never home for a meal. I want to try the stab at meal planning again LOL.  Trying new things.. maybe even doing partial gluten free? I need to read up on this and see what is and what isn't gluten free. Because I know for infertiles it can be good. I haven't lost anymore weight.. well because its the holidays and the goodies only come once a year ;)! I'm happy with that. I think my motivation finally showed up to get healthier and loose weight, specially my stomach.. I hate it.. So I see a lot of sit ups in my future!  

   I really Lucked out with my husband.. He is the best ever.. Does everything he can for me to make me happy.. even tho sometimes I don't deserve it.. Like getting 2 Christmas trees? Who does that?  He said he will do anything to make me happy and whatever we can to save and try again. I really do love him.. I couldn't find another man in the world like this. He is truly a gem. Danny did get spoiled this Christmas.. and with the giant Disney Store box that came in the mail a few weeks ago... So did I ;) 

Danny did say one thing.. We might go to Disney depending on Taxes.*Maybe* in July, Aug, Sept! I am totally NOT opposed to this :) I miss it.. and we need to get away just the 2 of us.. Maybe even see my sister and Niece and Nephew. So I will gladly save and look forward to that. As well as saving for future treatments :)

Disney World 2013?? Sure!! Why not!?

~Nicki

PS: Having the worst period ever.. OMG.. I took 2 Tylenol 3 with codeine last night and woke up feeling like a million bucks.. haven't had a sleep like that in a long time. It was lovely.   

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Snowing and a dead tree...

Its snowing outside and our poor Christmas tree has already died and it looks pretty sad :( . Not sure what happened.. but I almost want to go get another one.. but its way to late and the thought of decorating it again LOL.

I POAS at 6dp3dt.. way to early I know but I did anyways.. Then again 8dp3dt and it was neg.. I will admit I lost a little bit of hope. Still early but I was hoping that there would be some sort of a line. My blood test is Friday. I don't think I'll POAS again. I did pee 5 thousand times last night at work.. not sure what happened there. I guess I just keep looking for symptoms and I have none.. My boobs hurt last night but I'm blame progesterone and being in bra the whole day!

Plus one day of being back to work.. and I have HUGE bags under my eyes.. and I woke up at 9.. really...wtf? I go from looking all rested to crap instantaneously. Not cool.


I'm still tired it seems.. but I haven't worked in almost 2 weeks.. so thats probably why..I'm really hoping i'm in denial like our first IUI and i'm preggo.. I do keep talking to my belly.

Me and Danny are talking about what our next step will be.. he mentioned fostering/ fostering to adopt.. I don't even know where to start..Its very overwhelming..  I have never been around children for along periods of time.. I don't know how to talk to them or anything. An infant would be awesome . because well I can learn.. Danny on the other hand is like the child master.. I know your thinking why does this woman even want kids if she doesn't even know how to interact with them? I never grew up with younger cousins or younger siblings.. i'm the baby.. Danny got to experience it all.. The only interaction i've ever had is with Gideon and now Chloe.. and occasionally other kids.. but never for very long. Just makes it tough for me to make these kids of decisions.

We will continue talking if the outcome is negative.. I just don't have that feeling that it worked. I'm trying to stay positive.. Yesterday my first day back to work was almost to much.. all the questions and people saying they are crossing their fingers or do this do that, do you have any symptoms.. Yeah.. About to go insane.

I have to go finish my cookies and then eat some lunch before work.. will have to leave super early today cause i'm grandma driver in the snow ;)

Praying very hard that one little baby hung on.. I would hate to be talking to an empty uterus.

~Nicki

Thoughts

You've been warned! Before I get going for the day.. even tho is 10:35am... I'd figured i'd update this thing!!


I POAS( Peed on a stick) this morning.. even tho 6dp3dt is WAY to early LOL.. I had to.. Just that over whelming urge. So I did... and it was stark white. So.. Just hoping and praying a line will appear in a few days. I have that strong gut feeling this didn't work.. I asked Danny today if I was like this with our first IUI that did.. and he said yes.. so maybe that translates to it did work but I don't want to think it did?? I swear... If I have triplets I will not complain.. hell if I have one I won't.. I just pray that one embaby snuggled in. We want this soooo bad its killing us.. I don't know what will happen if it doesn't work.

 The people supporting us thru this.. I just don't think they understand the financial, emotional and physical aspect of this tiring process... Four years of this is way too much for anyone to bear.. I honestly don't know how some couples go thru many more years of this. I just can't fathom another 4 years. I mean I'm glad we started when we did.. but how much longer can we keep going?? We're seriously going to have to cut everything back in order to continue with anything.


Danny made the car payment the other day.. we have 49 payments left.. Why can't it be like 12 LOL? Life would be better if that was the case! It will be hard to figure out where to cut from because.. we'll we don't do much as it is..

Christmas this year.. doesn't even feel like Christmas. I haven't baked a single thing. I just finished Christmas shopping.. well expect some little stuff.. This it the earliest its happened LOL. But i'm not even excited about whats under the tree.. I don't even know how we are gonna do Christmas this year... Since we are both off. My mom told me she hasn't even done a tree or anything.. Our tree is dead already.. How sad is that? I'm going to try to do some baking today... We will see how that goes LOL.

I'm trying to finish Gideon's scrapbook. Sad. But i need to get it done and get it out so its out of my way. Its taken me since September to even look at it. Plus we've been busy.

I love scrap booking.. wish I had more time for it.. Well I do I just need to make myself do it.. Plus it would be nice to have something to scrap book about.

I should have never taken this much time off.. I have literally gone insane.. all by myself all day.. No one will let me do anything like I'm going to fall apart!  I BEGGED Danny to take me outta the house 3 days ago.. and have gone out every night since.. Because I'm ready to kill an animal or something by the time Danny gets home at 3. The First night we just went to dinner up in Pueblo at Chipotle because mexican is the only thing that sounds good. The 2nd night we went and saw The Hobbit and had dinner.. and last night we finished Christmas shopping in Pueblo. Wow Was I tired after all that walking LOL. I felt weird.

So maybe today i'll be content at home baking and scrap booking. Have to call the office again tomorrow and get them to send in a release for Tuesday so I can go back to work.. OMG.. I WANT to go back to work.

Well  I think i've babbled enough.. I hope that my miracles for this months haven't run out and in a few days I get a positive preg test.. My actual Beta test is Friday. Praying soooo hard..

~Nicki

Sorry for the delay!

Well we had our Embryo transfer yesterday.. With a 6,7,8 cell embryos :) we decided on all 3 because they said with the rescue ISCI that not all 3 would likely take.


We had to leave 4 hours early.. because we got snow pretty much ALL day on Sunday!! I was excited but it was super icy and crappy roads. So we left at 630 am on Monday. We stopped twice, once right passed Ft. Carson.. because I had to pee and get something to eat. Then we stopped at 9 at the Park Meadows mall in Denver so I could empty my bladder.. then drink 32 oz of water.. Because you have to have a full bladder OMG. I shouldn't have started drinking so early.. Our appt wasn't till 11. So.. By the time we get there 2 hrs early.. we went to Panera Bread across from all the medical pavilions and the Hospitals ( there is University Colorado Hospital and Children's). Had some more water and a bagel to eat.. (mmm Cinnamon Crunch bagel) By the time we get over to the hospital its not even 10.. OMG.. It drug on and on.. I had to pee SO BAD.

By the time the nurse came and got us.. I could barely walk cause my bladder hurt so bad. She did let me pee a little because it can be too full! Well it sure as hell felt like it. So I felt a little better.. We got all undressed and Danny in scrubs teehee :)  We went back to the OR room and I was complemented on my full bladder. I felt a little embarrassed because there was like 7 people in the room. Talk about AWKWARD. Crotch on display for all to see.. I think there was 4 Dr.s, the embryologist, and 2 u/s techs.

It was a pretty surreal experience to see the embryos going in.. which is why you have to have a full bladder. I started crying.. well trying not too LOL afterwards me and Danny both broke down. It really didn't take all that long but it felt like forever because I had to pee so bad.. I had the option of afterwards to use a bedpan or wait.. I opted to wait.. then started freaking out cause I had to pee SO bad.

Then I freaked out thinking they would fall out LOL. That was the most uncomfortable ride ever. We stopped at Red Robin for lunch.. I think I did too much.. but I was sitting. I was reclined.. my neck hurt then I came home and laid down for a while tried napping.. then say up and messed around on the computer.. Still think I did to much.. But if its going to work its going to work. I'm off till the 18th.

Everyone thinks i'm going to fall apart!! I'm pretty sure I can stand to shower and get up to pee and maybe get myself some snack and drinks! Which by the way the progesterone is making me super hungry all the time and my boobs sore!

We are praying .. I have alot of people praying this works for us.. I really want our little miracle or miracles. We MAY get 2 frosties.. Didn't have an update today so hopefully soon they will let me know either way. They said yesterday the other 2 are still growing :)

I'll leave you with a picture of our embabies!! I hope a few snuggle in..If we do get triplets.. we will cross that bridge when we get there.. but we are hoping for 2 or 1 :)

~Nicki

Today has been an awesome day!

 And its only 12:24pm!!! Got an update on our embryos.. the 3 are doing fantastic.. and the other 2 have fertilized as well!! I am calling this a miracle :D and hopefully we will get our Christmas Miracle  in a week or so we will know!!

I am still in shock.. I cannot believe that this is happening! After all we've gone thru.. I just hope and pray we get our baby.. and I think after this I will be fine with one baby.. and maybe later down the road.. try for #2 if we get frosties!

Still not sure how many we're going to transfer.. Depending on quality it will be all 3 or just 2 and hope for 3 frosties!

I guess today I should vaccum and sweep and pick up so i'm not tempted to start cleaning while i'm supposed to be resting!  And you bet your ass i'll be sucking it up ;) Got Chili in the crockpot.. because its FINALLY Snowing!! We have about 4 inches and its still coming down !! Feels alot more like Christmas!

Still need to get Danny a few more presents.. if the wallet allows LOL its been a rough month going back and fourth and now we have to i'm assuming pay the 2,000 for the rescue ISCI.. I'll have to find out tomorrow if we can do payments or something. If I didn't need the extra 900 vial (almost 800) and to put money in the bank.. almost 800 we'd be ok lol. But stuff happens!  We will be ok!

Off to clean!

~Nicki

Pray for 1....

and we get 3!!!! Dr. Wong the lead embryologist called this morning after the rescue ISCI.. and said that 3 out of the 9 have fertilized. I am thanking the good lord up above for this miracle.

Now I'm torn... all three or stick to the 2 in hopes that just one takes? Maybe 2? OR see if ONE makes it to freeze??  I don't think any will make it to freeze.. but this is just one miracle I hope of many.

Thank you Lord for this miracle.. we just hope you can make another one happen and give us our baby we so dearly want. At this point.. I'll take what ever you give me and leave it at that. But please. Just one.

~Nicki

Numb.

Yesterday was Retrieval day.. So very nervous and excited.. They got 17 eggs...  I should be happy right?

Well no. Because this is the call I got this morning..

12 had no eggs.. and the other 5 did not fertilize.

They will be doing rescue ICSI ( hail mary) but chance of pregnancy from them is slim.

What do you do when you learn you may not have children because you don't have eggs, or the ones you do have.. won't let the sperm in?

I haven't figured this out yet..

Got a call a little while later saying they ICSI'd the 5 and then 4 more popped up in the incubator.. so they did them as well. Danny's sperm is apparently fantastic.

I cried and cried.. E-mailed Danny and said I needed him to call me.. needless to say we are both home.. and both a mess.

We are devastated and don't know where to go from here.  I want a bio child so bad.. But do we move on to Donor embroys? Do we try IVF again and automatically do ICSI? Do we adopt? Or do we live child free.. because right now all of those options are not options.. because well.. You need and obscene amount of money to do any. Right now we need another 2000 just for ICSI.. Because we were told we didn't need it.. Should have done it anyways.

So lost and numb right now.. Praying SO hard that God will give us just one embryo.

Freaking out.

Yeah I was all excited yesterday when my RE told me that. Tonight I can trigger and have my ER on Thursday. But now.. I'm just plain freaking out.. I don't know what to do with the dogs.. we will have to stay overnight because We have to be at the hospital at 6 am.. we live about 3 hrs away. The hotel that is closest is 139 and up a night.. Seriously?

I'm like super weepy today and could probably cry at anything! I think all the meds have caught up with me.. Danny will have to come to work to do my trigger shot.. Not looking forward to doing that in the car of the parking lot..Yeah. For real.

Only Lupron tonight then my poor belly can rest. Then I start Vivelle Patches and Endometrin and 2 other meds after ER.  I'm having anxiety just thinking of this.. is it going to work? How many will they get ( RE said we could get at least 10)? How many will fertilize? When will my transfer be, 3 or 5 day, or the odd 2 or 4 day?  O.M.G someone please turn my brain off!!

I have to work today. I don't want to.. I cannot wait for these 13 days off.. even if that means i'm going crazy waiting for  positive test. I really want Danny to be there for the Transfer.. but that might not happen.. in which case I will probably cry.

So.. gonna go get ready to head to work. and then continue freaking out.

~Nicki

Spent.

I am just pure exhausted.. I think the Lupron is sucking the life out of me.. I am constantly tired and have no motivation and a constant non stop headache.. Tylenol makes it go away for a few hrs then its right back. Its almost over.. Will hopefully be triggering Monday or Tuesday!! I had to add menopur with the follistim because I was not responding like I should. My e2 on day 5 was a whopping 149...Not very good for day 5 of stims. I will only be getting about 6 or 7 eggs out of this.. was totally hoping for more.. but I guess thats what you get with DOR. She said its not bad, but its not great.

I'm so thankful for my office.. I didn't  have to pay for any menopur and just in case I run out of Follistim.. they gave me another 300 :) I've only had to order another 900 vial.. 742 dollars later.. Ack. So a little over 3 grand for meds. But the Menopur is doing what it should my follies are catching up, will ask for my e2 tomorrow since I have to go back.. again.  In one week i've been to Springs 4 times.. and tomorrow will make 5.. then i'm sure i'll be there again Monday.

I think my emotions are about to explode between being tired and hopped up on hormones.. Its not a pretty sight.. Oh and my poor tummy looks like a pin cushion! It will all be worth it in the end.. It just has to be.

Retrieval will be either Wednesday or Thursday and I will be off for a week and a half.. Can I get and amen there!? Mini Vacay .Woot.

~Nicki

Finally!!

Started stims last night!! It stung a bit but i'll get over it lol. I think i'm going to a do a bullet post because I have to leave for work in a few and I'm just flat out tired.

- Black Friday well.. Thursday cause it was Dead Friday.. Was freaking nuts. Or as Danny said Nucking Futs. LOL

- Still recovering from working 4-12am. Then back at 9am the next day... Yeah. Tired.

- Our Dogs are spoiled!

- Did I mention I'm tired??

- Woke up at 8:30 today thinking i'll sleep till 9.. um 9:40. oops.

- I don't want to do to work today.

- Tomorrow Danny says we will put up the Christmas decorations tomorrow.. We will see.

- Big R tomorrow to try and pick out clothes for Photos on Monday !!

- First Follie check on Monday!

- We're getting pictures done Monday and i'm so excited :)

Gotta go!  If I can make it thru today.. UGH.

~Nicki

Why does...

  This season always seemed rushed?? Today we are having Thanksgiving with my parents. Danny started Day shift today for the next 2 months, not cool. So right after he gets home and changed we will be on our way! My first Pumpkin pie is done and cooling, green bean casserole is ready for the oven when we get there and deviled eggs are ready.  Hope the pie tastes good LOL it doesn't look pretty.. I need to find a new crust recipie.. its just never enough OR maybe I should use it all instead of cutting it in half like it says to do.

I've been super tired and sluggish lately I just can't get going.. Unless I'm in a rush then its go, go, crash. I think Its the Lupron. I get little headaches here and there and hot flashes and then I'm so tired. It will be worth it in the end.. I know that for sure. One thing I'm worried about that never dawned on me until a few weeks ago.. What if this works and I get pregnant with twins and something happens and I can't work?? We'd be totally screwed.. i've never applied for any insurance thru my work.. and the offer things like short and long term disability. Ugh.. and open enrollment has passed. I'm at a loss! I don't know what to do.. also I want to take time off after Transfer so i'm not jostling things around.. but I have to take it off at the time of retrieval too. I think I'll take 2 weeks and have to call it good! Ugh.. so much to think about.

I have my appt wed and will start stimming shortly after that! Getting close.. and praying everyday that this will work.


I think I might take a nap.. before Danny gets off at 3.

~Nicki

PS: I finally am below 230.. Now I will totally ruin that this evening haha.

Minor Freak out.

I had like and ZOMG moment last night driving home from work. I start Lupron tonight.. ACK. I had everything running thru my head... Can I do this, will everything work out or will we have tons of bumps in the road? Will we have any  embies to freeze, will we get pregnant? Just everything. I sure hope everything goes nice and that my meds don't give me to bad a time with symptoms and such.

And Danny just ruined one of my nice mini spatulas..

~Nicki

Mixed Feelings.

I'm feeling stressed and anxiety all at the same time.. I'm not digging it. I just want everything to get here and be done with and oddly be in the 2ww.. and find out at the end that we are pregnant.

Right now i'm battling a cold.. Not fun. Between clogged ears, nose, sneezing, millions tissues and fatigue.. I don't seem to be getting any better.. I just want to SLEEP.

I've been trying to get the energy and I can't think of a word for it.. to finish Gideon's baby book. I just can't bring myself to do it. I have the pictures and everything.. I just need to do it. Maybe Danny needs to be home with me while he plays video games or something? I Don't know.. but when I'm by myself I can't do it.. I almost did a little while ago.. but I made Kettle corn and plopped down on the couch. Once I get going it won't take me long.. Maybe before Christmas.

Speaking of. There is only 52 DAYS before Christmas! I want to have everything done EARLY.  But I know that won't happen LOL. I made Danny put my countdown outside ;) he was very reluctant hahah I said but its a COUNTDOWN! Hahah he has to learn to live with it :). Also I get to have Thanksgiving with my Parents.. not my brother tho.. as he will be overseas this year. But I'll take it.. haven't had Thanksgiving with them in um like forever. I can't even remember its been THAT long. It will be the Sunday before because me and Danny have to work.. but we will take it!


Now i'm going to go Pin my little heart away on Pinterest! Need Decorating Ideas!!

~Nicki

Alot.

Those are all my meds that I am going to need for IVF... Yikes!! To include 2 vials of 900 iu of Follistim, 2 350 iu of Follistim, Lupron, HCG Trigger, Endometrin, Vivelle Patch ( totally don't know what this is for), pain meds and  Ginormous Prenatal pills, plus tons of needles and such LOL. Just a a waiting game right now. Have our first appt on the 8th! It's coming up fast!

Weight watchers is going good this time around :) had a few bad days but who doesn't! I can't complain i've only lost about 3lbs but hey you gotta start somewhere! Plus got a new scale LOL our old one weighed at least 3 lbs more than the Drs office. Now we're even!

Rocky got weighed today at almost 7 months he weighs 56.4 lbs! He' so skinny I don't know where it's all at! Probably in his noggin hahah. He's gotten so big and is such a joy to have around :)!

Well Off to get things ready for work and get some sleep!!

Whew!

Well AF Finally showed up Yesterday, with some horrible awful cramps!!  BUT I didn't have to get anything to get her to show up so that makes me happy!!!

All of my meds will be here today.. Yikes.. its starting to feel real!! I will start birth control tonight. Getting nervous and excited!

Well in other news.. these past few months have gone by in a blur!! The garden is long gone, my  puppy is huge and my house is staying clean.. we have money in the bank and life is just good!

Still don't have a new car for me.. Its all up in the air lol but after the first of the year we will start looking hard.. specially if there is a bun in the oven! We are thinking of selling my car to my sister in law.. She's all for it lol. So we will see. it just seems like a pain in the ass to trade my car in.. even when its pd off! I'd rather just have money down. They keep low balling me on my car.. Ugh. I really.. really want the Ford Edge still.. But also now I like the Toyota Highlander... BUT with all these recalls over the years.. not so sure!!

So thats about all thats exciting going on around here lol! Its kinda nice not to have drama in the life right now :) You get to enjoy more! I def don't feel stressed at all anymore lol except work.. but hey such is life!

~Nicki

Always Waiting...

Yep..just waiting for AF to arrive.. Think I will have to call and get provera even tho I know she will show up soon. They need me to be on a certain time line cause of the holidays... So if she ain't here today sometime or tomorrow gotta call my nurse. I've had all the symptoms and nothing.. even took a preg test that was negative of course. Ugh.. Evil thing.. Late when you want it.. early when you don't.

PS: She might show up today cause i'm wearing khaki pants and white underwear LMAO.

~Nicki

O.M.G

Like.. really did that just happen. We got a loan.. for IVF. A personal loan.. but a loan. Thank you lord.. So we currently have 16,000. Sitting in our saving account.. I'm waiting for the call to see how much my meds total are going to cost.. then I will call my nurse Jodi again and get going aging.. Please AF Don't be late!!

If my cycles stay the way they are going we will find out right BEFORE Christmas or Shortly after if it worked.. If we get that far.  I'm praying hard.  And Weight Watchers online is in my near future. Fo' real lol!

Me and Danny are pretty estatic right now. I officially have no more stress.. well unless you wanna count the waiting to see if this is gonna work ;)

~Nicki

Keeping Busy!

That's what we are doing around here! Rocky finished up his classes :) and he did great! Gotta figure out where to start the duck thing LOL. Its all new to us!

Keeping the house clean.. well cleaner than it ever has been LOL. Just need to put the finishing touches on the bathroom.. But we need to be home to do that. Which it seems we haven't been...  Its kinda driving me nuts. Like i'll be by myself today but have plenty to keep me busy and then tomorrow we have an appt at the bank in springs to see about getting and actual loan for IVF. Again.. not some over the phone company.. so it will be a one try for us.. Maybe a FET. Kinda sucks but.. such is life.. and I don't know if I want to tell any one about it this time around.. Haven't told Danny that tho.

Finding a new car for me is becoming a pain.. I've even test drove stuff other than the Ford Edge. I really want it.. So i'm going to get one.. eventually I've even knocked stuff out of it I want just to get the payments where we want them. We walked away from a really good deal on a Toyota Venza all because we didn't know what kinda payments the IVF loan would give us. So we will see where tomorrow puts us.. We just don't want to be back to where we were as far as money.. we are able to enjoy things now.. or buy stuff just because we can.. If we wanted to. We did splurge on one thing... a 47" TV :) our old one is only a 32 which is now in the bedroom.. I think we did pretty good.. Our 32 was 500 something.. the new TV was 548.. I think we're doing good! LOL, Early Christmas for us :)!

Well off to do stuff for the day! Some cleaning, laundry, dishes, catch up on shows and some scrap booking!

~Nicki

What to say?

Well a friendship that i've had since being a freshman in HS.. that was in 2000. Has ended. At first I was hurt  as to how it happened then the events after the fact, made me angry to where I didn't care anymore. This person is Stacey.. who is my Godson's Gideon's mom. So I'm going to take a wild guess she doesn't think of me as such anymore.. But as far as I'm concerned you can't just revoke that title.


Basically I had a conversation with one of her 'so called friends' over some frustrations and anger that I was experiencing at the time about Stacey, that I eventually planned on talking to her about.. IN PERSON. But this girl took it upon her self to show her these conversations over her phone because she thinks being vindictive and having archived messages is the greatest thing ever for ruining lives.

 I hadn't a clue that this was happening.. But where is it HER prerogative tho show her those conversations? I don't know how they expected me to know what they were talking about and then expect me to apologize?  So instead of Stacey coming to ME and talking to ME about the problem she chose to believe everything Sam showed her without asking what really was going on. I don't think that is a very mature friendship.

I will admit some of the things I said was uncalled for.. but I was upset and frustrated.. At least for me.. If you are always complaining  you have no money.. but you go out and buy a $250 puppy? I think you should rethink what is going on. Not to mention if you think living in the country is a piece of cake.. when you wanted to get AWAY from the snow and move to Louisiana? Yeah.. Winter storms out there are FAR worse than where you were at to being with. But I can't tell you or give you any advice when you are too stubborn to receive it, she always did the opposite.

I am not a friend who will tell you how to live your life or raise your children. It is non of my business.. Am I wrong for thinking this way? If I have a major problem with something or someone.. trust me.. I will let you know. But if its minor  little things.. That eventually will blow over and you will realize what you did, then why should I mention anything about it? I guess my way of dealing with issues and problems aren't the same as everyone else's.

Her so called friend had the audacity to message me back before Stacey did either time. Saying things like i prevent her from having any female friends? Or that all I care about is my pride? Sorry sweetheart.. Far from that.. My friends are my world, instead of you saying ' Stacey I don't want to tell you what was said, you should ask Nicki' But instead you went behind my back and expected me to realize that all this was being said? Massive BS. So after a month of being ignored by you both I tried to figure out what was going on and everything blew up in my face.

I don't have to prove anything to anyone.. If no one wants to accept my apology then I'm over it.  It is not worth my time when someone wants to be so vindictive and immature, it sounds like someone OTHER than me doesn't want to her to have any friends. I have all the love, family and friends I need. I'm sure i'll make new ones along the way, but I sure as hell won't divulge any information even if I just need someone as neutral party. Learned my lesson on that one. My family and friends know i'm a good honest person and wouldn't have me any other way :) And that's the way I like it. I don't need to be fake, bitchy or anything like that to get my friends to like me.

It sucks, but it obviously wasn't a friendship that was meant to be lifelong. If she wants to talk somewhere down the line.. I'll talk but I don't think another friendship will ever come out of it.

Hopefully that wasn't all over the place and who ever reads it gets the gist :) But its my blog and I feel so much better getting this off my chest! I'm sure there was more I wanted to put in it.. Like horrible bad words LOL but I won't sink down to her level.. plus she didn't even get 2 words from me.. It wasn't a conversation between me and her but she tried to make it.

Life goes on :) and what doesn't kill you makes you stronger!

~Nicki

Before I start...

Reading the last book of Fifty Shades of Grey... LOL I should actually make a post...

First off.. I haven't even had a chance to miss Danny i've been soooo busy!! I only really miss him at night when its time for bed.. Which hasn't been occurring till around 1 am because I'm hooked on these books...Which in turn is a horrible thing.. because I'm HORNY as all get out.. To put it bluntly. Lets see...I'll start from the first day 8/27.. and give you the turn of events LOL.

-The Ride home from the airport sucked, then had to take Rocky to class that evening.

- Tuesday I didn't want to do anything.. So I didn't I just moped.

-Wed was more of the same thing..

- Thursday I don't remember...

-Friday was hectic.. I didn't want to go to work cause mom and dad were coming down to start floor.

- The shower was a giganto mess when dad when to re support the wall.. that took ALL DAY. Danny never said good night.. I Freak out.

- Saturday.. Danny Finally calls.. his phone DIED.. Nice huh? Only us! Didn't want to go to work either.started on the tile... When I got home @ 1030 ish mom was still tiling.. we were up till 12:30.. HOLY CRAP

-Sunday .. finished tiling NEVER EVER AGAIN. But it's beautiful

-Monday.. We clean house.. omg it never felt so good to get rid of crap Dusting our bedroom took.. Um forever.. I hate it.. have I mentioned that? I take mom home.. and I about shit my pants when I walked into the house.. out of the corner of my eye on the fence is a TARANTULA. HOLY SHIT. Instantly I call Danny.. Hyperventilating..No shit ya'll.  He wants me to kill it with a bat.. I CANNOT DO SUCH A THING.. ( I wanted to opt for the Shot gun) The crunch and squish alone would be enough to make me pass out.. I finally get to take the boys out.. I turn too look at door and the mother fucker it back (thought it went over fence) I about died. Thank GOD my bug spray was in hand.. I spray it.. and it comes at ME OMG FREAK OUT. I think i'm spraying the fucker and it runs under where Rocky has been digging.. I grab a long stick and bury it.. ( I hope) I cannot fall asleep till way late..  NEVER EVER again.. In the 6 yrs we've been here never seen one around the house.. Me and little, or GIANT Spiders are not a pretty sight.. Big blubbering hyperventilating mess.. Can you tell I have  Arachnophobia?

-Tuesday.. after my terrifying experience... I do not go out of the house with out bug spray. Praying that it does not come back...

-Wed was uneventful tried cleaning up some more... dishes etc. Finally get a chance to wipe down tiles again.

-Thursday was boring.. but my book is way to addicting.. Already on the 2nd one by now LOL

- Friday.. Kayla is coming Saturday... I had to run to the store and then come vacuum.. MELTDOWN. There is a giant .. GIANT screw in my BRAND NEW Dyson. I think I finally realized that Danny wasn't here to help me :/ That was the Day that sucked. Nothing went right.. everyone at work was rude or stupid.. OMG.. it just wouldn't end. Dnany went to his class party.. and got drunk.. I was not happy.. I was in the middle of texting him and then responses just stopped.. I called 6 times.. and started FREAKING  OUT. Got his mom to call not even 2 min later he's calling to say he's sorry.. >:|

- Saturday- I work and early shift and the day goes by fast. Still mad at Danny.. Get off go get pizza and found Danny has sent me a card.. how sweet <3 bed="bed" enjoy="enjoy" her="her" i="i" kayla..="kayla.." late..="late.." miss="miss" nbsp="nbsp" p="p" time="time" with="with">
-Sunday mom comes to help with painting bathroom.. pretty uneventful and I LOVE the color!! Still needs a 2nd coat tho.. and need to seal the grout... The evening was spent with April and Chloe :)

-Monday was hectic! Started with tomatoes for salsa.. didn't wake up till late to begin with.. So barely get those done! Sue came and got bakers rack! Hit the store.. had my first meal of the day @ 1pm..! Get back.. finish tomatoes put them in fridge and get Rocky ready to go to class.. OI! Get back and go to  wally.. Boo.. Then realize I haven't even done laundry.. *SOB* But did go to bed at 1130.

- Today.. Work highly  uneventful and completely have Danny thinking I can't go pick him up on Saturday ;) I got a personal day.. he thinks my mom is going to get him.. Teehee!!  SO EXCITED!

Sorry for the long drawn out post.. but its my blog :P I'm going to go start the last book now.. and go to bed! Cause i'm pooped! Its been good being busy and not missing Danny too much.. But I do.. Just not the mopey I miss you! And If i'm ever in a sex rut.. just read Fifty Shades of Grey.. Oh my.

~Nicki

Too much.

Is going thru my head to make a conductive blog post.. Danny is gone for 3 weeks.. we are 3 .. at the end of today 4 days down.. Ugh.. I miss him and he misses me :( we haven't ever really been apart. So this is harder than I thought it was gonna be.

And my mind went blank.. hopefully this weekend I can get a decent post in here.. LOL

~Nicki

Don't know what is wrong..

I'm at a weird place right now.. I just feel weird... Danny got his Pera check yesterday.. $32,000 and some change. I can't believe it actually got here that fast and was more than we expected. I should be happy knowing that we will be saving over 900 dollars a month.. NOT paying debt... But I find my self stressed?? We are getting me a new car.. exactly what I want.. ordered from the factory no miles except what I put on it.. Crazy. I'm getting the Ford Edge. But at the same time I feel bad because I shouldn't be doing this..we should relish in having extra money a month.. We still will but.. you know.. we've never had over 600 sitting in the bank at one time... for over a week.. its weird.. to not be freaking out about money going 'Oh we only have 30 bucks to last us 2 weeks till I get pd'

   Yeah.. we went and bought our tile for the floor and the 180 bucks didn't break the bank. Because we still have money in their.. WEIRD. After living this way for almost 7 years.. its just plain WEIRD. Tomorrow we are getting up early.. depositing the check.. going to Pueblo to pay off One main and our Debt consolidation loan.. That in itself is almost 600 dollars a month in savings..  How on earth did we get there?  Crazy to think that we will only have one maybe 2  bills left after we pay off everything and get rid of my car. Of course we will still have house, cars and insurance and normal utility bills. I'm just in shock.. We can actually save up for things and do what we would like to do.. have a decent Christmas and actually AFFORD a Baby. Now.. we just need one.. That is something else we will be doing when he gets back from Georgia.


I honestly think... we are going thru the 7 year itch.. I mean I don't want to leave.. but we just need to rekindle what we had.. I feel as if we are on repeat nothing exciting ever happens.. romance is like.. NIL we need to get away even for just a weekend. But that won't be happening anytime soon. He goes back to Monday Tuesday off so we only have Mondays together.. I wish I knew stuff to make us feel like us again.. I just don't know where to start. Maybe getting my house out of a state of shambles will help.. OMG I'm going to go insane. Our bedroom looks like  a war zone.. I'll leave it at that.

Danny asked me last night if there is anything I WANT with the money besides a car.. I couldn't think of anything last night.. except he should know.. I really want a Dyson.. How lame is that ... I can choose anything and I pick a vacuum..?! A vacuum for pete's sake!!! I should have said a puppy LMAO.. Yeah thats asking for stress x1000 J/K Not for another few years hahahah

Now that I threw my self in to an anxiety attack.. and that this post is ALL OVER the place (sorry) I need to go vacuum.. and dust.. BADLY.

~Nicki

Some 'soul' Searching...

I think is in order.. Not sure where this road called life is taking me right now..But its been pretty difficult to say the least. It just seems some people I considered as friends .. good friends once we've just drifted apart.. People get married have kids and life goes on.. You only get stuck with a few good ones throughout your life.

  I posted a post on facebook last night
 I always feel like I try to hard at friendships...and you shouldn't have to. You should always pick up where you left off as if you haven't spoken in 20 years. I only have a few friends like this.... you know who you are. ♥
 On of the people I figured would like or comment on the post.. Didn't.. Granted I probably made her mad in an early text but still.. Its never been an issue till recently. Make me wonder if i'm even still considered a friend.. even tho I'm her son's Godmother... Which I don't think means what it should to her. A godmother should have a special bond with her godson.. Which I don't have. Her other friend is more of a godmother than me. Yeah I may not have to time to spend time with him every weekend but.. I sure try... Living over 2 hours apart and only 2 days a week off in the time I have to get things done around the house and might have some time to spend with my husband.. I hardly get to ever see Kayla because.. well we are adults now and work and have personal lives.. Its easier to see friends when they live close.. put distance in that factor and it becomes hard. I hardly even get to see my parents on a monthly basis.. heck i'm lucky to see them every 3 months!!

I've heard from someone that I don't try to spend time with them.. That is not the case.. just like her we have a money budget as well and can't go everywhere we would like when we want.. Maybe sometimes it would be nice if people would come see us? We can do things.. there are lots of outdoor things to do here that would be awesome for a kid to learn about, heck they might even go home tired!  But I guess i'll just keep doing what i'm doing and keep getting talked about behind me back.. at how horrible of a friend I am.

Also.. I'm not scared to be around other peoples kids.. Sure It might hurt a little bit..but if I can enrich a kids life and make them feel loved by someone other than their mommy and daddy I feel pretty good.. It gives me hope that one day I might be a mom.. Plus hearing that I will make a good mommy one day.. makes me feel pretty darn good. Just because  i'm infertile doesn't mean I don't  like kids.. I love and adore kids.. it pains me to see kids getting mistreated, sure pregnant belly's make my heart hurt.. but I love squishing munchkins cheeks and giving baby kisses and tickles. So don't assume I don't like being around kids.. It helps me learn what not to do as a mommy and what to do to succeed.

So I think I need to figure out where i'm at in life.. I sure don't like to get drunk all the time anymore every once in a while a few drinks is nice.. but not all the time. I love to go shopping with girl friends.. make my home look and smell pretty :) I love doing crafts, try new recipes and make my husband happy.We are more than happy to go to a friends house and eat some dinner and watch some television :) thats our idea of a good time nowadays LOL.!! We are constantly working to make our relationship better everyday. Some days are of course worse than others.. where you're just not sure what you want out of life but then you realize you have everything you could ever want and need (minus a baby in our case). I take back all I said to Danny yesterday.. after I realized I am happy.. I just have sad moments where life just comes to a head and I can't take it anymore I focus on all the bad thins that make my life seem miserable.

I have 2 wonderful doggies and 3 wonderful kitties ( I still can't stop thinking about that kitten) and a husband who love me for who I am and that's all that matters

~Nicki

Super BLAH.

Ugh.. Wish is was October already.. (i'm going to regret posting that) But I do... I still am not sure if we will get approved or not.. but I can hope. We argued back and fourth between getting me a new car.. we almost did it but the payments were just out of reach. SO. Yeah.. plus they didn't.. well couldn't find what I wanted in the Year or color.. Then a few days later I found 2.. I was pretty peeved. So.. I kept pestering Danny but he didn't say or do anything.. so I gave up.

Just so frustrating.. after driving a new car and thinking that I might just get one. Nope Danny decided that we should wait.. So once again I have to choose.. Baby or Car.. Its either wait try to get reapproved, or get a new car.. Its stupid. I hate life sometimes.

My house is a mess. I have no urge to clean...My parents are coming tomorrow to start redoing our floor... Its hotter than hell in my house.. because the swamp cooler pump went out.. FML.

PS: I almost brought home a cute little grey and white kitten <3 p="p">
~Nicki

Do not pass go do not collect $200

So.. we got officially denied.. we only got approved for 6 thousand..Um.. Yeah sure let me pull a little over 10 grand out of my ass. Here yah go. I kinda laughed.. its like I'm not apply for this because I can afford the other half here people!! SO... I was pretty upset.. but then reality set in and we can try again in Oct/Nov when we have 2 major bills paid off.

Everyone thinks Danny is stupid cashing out his PERA.. well here's the thing.. he's not going back to the state... SO why leave 30 grand we can use for things sitting until he's 60? Yeah so.. I don't care how much taxes I have to pay.. we need that money now.. to make our life better. IE paying off our debt consolidation and one of my husbands loans and a few smaller things.. all while putting away money for the taxes.

We were thinking of paying off my car.. but April and Mike came over last night with their new truck LOL. I'm going with them today to see about the possibility of trading in my car for an SUV. I don't think I'll do it unless they get me a super sweet deal with a payment I can  handle. I love that working with Wal-Mart I can get employee pricing as if I work for the dealership its pretty sweet :) So we will see.. If not we're waiting.. impatiently for September. It seems SO far away. Next thing I know It will be Christmas..Ha. 

PS: I don't really want to get rid of my car.. because I love it.. Its the car I always wanted.  BUT its getting up there in miles..and if we end up with munchkins later down the  road.. its just too tiny ( i'd hate to cram a a car seat in it) But... such is life.. Plus I don't owe very much on it.

UGH.. Such is life.. I know everything is going to work out the way it needs to go.. But i'm so over everything not going the way I want it too.

That's it in our neck of the woods.. I can't remember if I posted about the bathroom floor fiasco.. So not looking forward to that.

~Nicki

When anxiety attacks.

My chest gets heavy and its hard to breathe.. and I become very shaky and jittery. These just started 2 days ago when we learned our initial loan did not get approved for our IVF.. We were devastated... Our hopes of having a child just go ripped out of our hand. While texting a good friend that this had just happened.. they offered to cosign with us.. How could we ever accept that, how could we ever thank them? My parents had already said no.. don't even know why I asked. Me and Danny took a while to think it over since Saturday Sunday they aren't open. We just reapplied taking their gracious offer.. and are just waiting.. I'm praying with everything I have right now that it works.. we couldn't go with the actual offer we wanted which was 2 fresh and 2 frozen.. we had to go with 1 fresh and 1 frozen..


If this doesn't work we have to wait.. until after the start of the new year to reapply. After more bills are paid. I just don't think I have the patience to wait this long.. but I guess I will have to make it work in my head.. I can't imagine what some women feel like waiting longer than 4 years.


Waiting is horrible.. Yesterday before they came over I thought something was wrong with me.. I've never had and anxiety attack before.. sometimes I feel super anxious but never have any physical symptoms before. Well yesterday I thought I was having a serious problem with my Birth Control.. IE Blood clot, heart attack, because my test was feeling kind of tight and  I had to keep taking deep breaths... and I couldn't stop shaking as if my blood sugar was low. I was on the verge of calling my RE.. BUT my Nurse called and I explained it to here and everything that is happening. She said it sounds like anxiety but would talk to the Dr and get back to me.. well she never did so I'm assuming all is ok since i've been on BC for over a week.


On top of all of this horrible news.. We discovered where a leak from our bathroom is coming from.. when our hot water heater went out the one pipe we didn't replace.. failed.. and has been leaking.. for quite some time.. so we will be shelling out $200-300 to re do my entire floor.. including the sub floor.. and tile.. Danny had to get under the house to turn off the main water to fix the leak.. and it was a mud pit and the floor was soaking wet and dripping.. I about died. So.. yeah.. there is a ton of anxiety in my life right now.. I can feel the attacks coming on.. and try to reassure myself that everything will work out in God's time.. and that it will all be ok in the end.. And they start to subside.. sometimes.. Work should be interesting.

Thats what happening in my life.. besides.. my garden doing WONDERFUL. Life has been ok.. just trying to chug along... Now I have to go make breakfast and finish my lunch and check on my ornery furchild...

PS: I actually made myself a decent cup of coffee....:)

~Nicki

Uh..

So.. I start Birth control tomorrow.. what? How did that happen!? Where did the time go !?  Yeah.. Now i'm going crazy because we have to get the financing in order and all that good stuff. Danny starts his new job monday.. OMG OVERLOAD.

I need to figure out some stress relief ...i'm hoping with BC that some weight will fall off because my hormones will balance out.. I've lost about 10lbs since Mayish.. so this might be the little jumpstart I need!

Just need to take a deep breath.. everything will work out just fine.

Just a quick update.. I can't believe we are finally here!

~Nicki

Wits end...?

I think I may be approaching this.. THANK GOD my vacation.. well more or less..Staycation starts tomorrow at 4. For 9 glorious days I will not have to work.. Then Danny starts his job with the Feds.. YES FINALLY!!! On Monday the 16th :) Here's a run down of whats been going on in our neck of the woods...

- Ornery Puppy. I think I might go crazy with Rocky just by himself. I think I found something that doesn't understand the word NO or his name.

-Waiting for my next period.. in hopes of starting IVF.. We are still totally in limbo.. We just don't have a date on when he will go to Georgia.. is has to be with in his first 60 days.. So.. Yeah  If we do it and then he gets his date after his 2 weeks.. we will SO be screwed. I kinda need him here.. LOL and want him here!

-My house is falling apart.. we have decided to fix/spruce it up and sell.. Refinancing did not go as planned...Our 2nd mortgage (that we were told was not going to exist) pretty much screwed us over!

- My house is such bad shape.. I really just need to pack crap up and be done with it LOL but I have attachment issues.. yeah.. 8 yrs later and I still have clothes from HS and think I will fit into them again one day?

- I stopped working out.. almost 2 weeks.. didn't even see results not even a 1lb. even tho the RE's office said so? Clothes still fit the same if not worse! But I haven't gained any back.. even tho.. I have the worst/ longest craving ever for BURGERS.. The only thing I think of eating for dinner.. is a Burger.. don't care where its from.. just a BURGER.

- I get to watch Chloe on Sunday and Monday because he sil is camping :) we watched her last Monday too.. I sure hope we don't get Miss Cranky Chloe again on Sunday!  I would like Happy Chloe :)


- Um.. Its actually rained.. More than 5 seconds! 


-My garden is doing lousy.. its huge and green but hardly any veggies...Need to fertilize on Vacay!

-Can I hire a maid?

- The plan while we're off is to redo the kitchen cabinets.. repaint my door trim from shit brown to white.. then we have to repaint the walls eventually too. Um and maybe clean the house lmao.

Thats about it in my world.. besides my horrible cranky mood, snapping at everything and everyone... and super sleepyness and craving.

~Nicki

PS: I think I may loose it.. I hope not hahah I have alot to get done in 9 days! With out over doing it!

FINALLY!

I Finally started my period on Tuesday.. Dr. Murray wouldn't be in on Thursday so I went in on Wed for blood work and u/s. My AFC is 21! Which she said it just about right!! So that's good! Danny had some blood drawn too hahah!

So today I had my saline u/s done.. Um. Ow. I had my pap done at the same time so.. I think that irritated my cervix. So as soon as she tried to do my mock transfer my cervix said HELL NO. *insert pain* It wouldn't let anything in.. my IUI's were always so easy! She didn't know what was going on. So she let me rest for about 10 min.. and switched speculums.. went in like a glove. So she took note of that.. the saline felt like horrible cramps. BUT everything looks great! The feds need to hurry up so I can call Jodi and tell her we will be starting with my next cycle.. fingers crossed.

PS: I told my uterus to get baking since its such a perfect lady oven.

~Nicki

Still waiting...

Yep.. My period was due the 3/4th.. its now the 9th.. GO FIGURE. Life is just going by.. kind of in a lull right now.. everything seems so monotonous. Danny is just in a holding pattern waiting for his official hire call for the Feds...  We're both pretty stressed with all this change.. and waiting for IVF to get going. It seems we're never home.. but its kinda of self induced.. the last thing I want to do is clean my house LOL.We're only home long enough to do some dishes.. and my laundry on the weekends.. Last weekend was nice tho.. it was beautiful

 We took Rocky and Wrangler to the River so Rocky can get the lay of  water :) need to take him somewhere where he can SWIM. There isn't many calm spots on the river.. and not many lakes around here. Everything is going well with him.. but I don't feel like I can get much done.. because I have to watch his every move.. the only time I'm not is when I'm working out... he's in his kennel.. for 20 min.

That.. is NOT going well.. I started the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred.. and have barely lost any weight since starting weight watchers over a month ago.. and since starting the work out.. what gives?? When I actually give it a go.. nothing works. Ugh.. I'm getting super frustrated.

I guess tomorrow its opening weekend of the Renaissance Festival. I asked Danny if he wanted to go he said sure.. but I'm not comfortable leaving Rocky in his crate for 8 hrs yet.. he's still to young. So..needless to say Rocky and Wrangler will be spending that day at Grandmas...so that way he doesn't freak out.. he still has big brother there. So hopefully a day of relaxation.. well as much as you can get walking around LOL and some fun :)

Right now.. I'm tired.. I wish it was time for Danny to get home.. I'm tired of smelling fire's at night.. its horrible for my allergies...

Here's some recent Pics :)

 BAT DOG!

 What did I do?

<3
~Nicki

The Garden 2012!

I'm really excited for my garden this year.. Lets see on the list this year...

- Grapes! Its loaded once again :) hopefully Concord Grape Sorbet this year! YUM!

- Peppers.. To Include Jalapenos, Sweet Banana, Green Bell, and a Garden Salsa :)

- Tomatoes... I broke down and bought 2 plants.. One Bonnie Original and a Beefmaster!

- Cantaloupe.. my seeds never came up.. so I bought plants.. Low and behold we go to dig that hole and there are the seedlings poking up! I'm going to have cantaloupe out my ears!

- Watermelon.. they are sugar baby variety.. same thing with the seeds..but they haven't showed up yet.

- Pumpkins... Sugar Pie Pumpkins.. NONE of my seeds have come up.. hoping the ones in the bathroom under the skylight will come up.. fingers crossed!!

-Strawberries!

- Raspberries.. although I'm not sure i'll get berries this year just planted it :)

- Red delish apple- The tree is LOADED!! They are about golf ball size right now :)

- Carrots

- Green beans :) Gonna plant a few more seeds as some magically dissapeared?

-Onions... only yellow this year :) the red ones are funky....

- Lettuce and Celery.. If the lettuce ever pops up too. gotta plant the Celery stump :)

- And Potatoes! Just red tho :) we're giving them a go!
Here are a few pictures of the early stage :)

 Apples!! For the first time EVER (we've had it 3 years)

 My raspberry that has finally survived!

 Some baby grapes :)

 Carrots and onions! The lonely row next to it was supposed to be lettuce.

 A few greenbeans

 The Original tomato and Sweet peppers

Potatoes :) have been covered again since the picture! Growing like weeds!

I'm very tired.. so I'm off to bed.. My period is due anyday now.. my mood swings are crazy and have some pretty bad cravings! Ugh SO hard when your trying to diet!  Goodnight!

~Nicki

Life with a puppy....

Is tiring.. Oh how 5 years makes a difference. What a difference life with 2 dogs make! I think we need to splurge on dog training.. I'm afraid Wrangler is not getting the attention he needs and is going to start some horrible behaviors.. and Rocky.. well he needs some manners! I feel so lost on puppy training! I can't train with him because Wrangler has to be RIGHT there.. and Rocky wants to eat my hand off with the treats in it.. Oi VEY! Of course Rocky wants to eat everything in sight lol. He has it out for my Old Navy Flip flops. So they are now away hahah. Anything Wrangler has Rocky wants and vice versa. Yeah... thats the most annoying.

Me and Danny are tired lol even tho he's sleeping thru the night.. wake up time is 545 am. The cats are adjusting well.. lol Bean likes him just she does Wrangler so that makes me happy! Doc and Volt still aren't sure haha. I swear Baby and toddler all mixed in one hahah just running around with him keeping him outta stuff is enough to drive you bonkers! I'll leave you with some pictures! I'll have a garden update soon :)

 Wrangler and Rocky when we first brought him home.. See all their toys? Spoiled :P

 Danny and Rocky.. He is a pretty mellow puppy.. well was LOL

 <3

 Wrangler warming up to him :)

 Finally getting along and playing like champs!

 Lazy puppy! ( I got a new camera Its awesome with color selection!)

Oh yeah.. Can you see the Holy Terror look in his eyes ;)

~Nicki

Lord have mercy.

If you wanna know what life will be like with and infant and toddler at the same time? Get a puppy!  Whole new meaning of do it while they sleep and no sleep at the same time and running your butt off trying to keep them outta everything!

We brought Rocky home last night.. Wrangler isn't very sure what to think and wants every toy that Rocky picks up! He needs to learn to share! So.. first night was horrible lol I'm going what was I thinking!? Crate training is awful and horrible at the same time.. We put him in his kennel and it was awesome.. he fell right to sleep. Should have went to bed then.. That was around 10 pm, 1130 he was awake and whining.. so out to the potty we went.. Good lord the whining when we got back in!  Apparently he didn't like the blankets.. he kept coming out to Wrangler's doggy pillow! In comes Bailey's old pillow.. take out divider and put that in.. He slept from 230 to 530 WOOT! Then potty and back to sleep with minimal whining till 645 :) when he promptly got up!

 Danny let me sleep in while he got ready for his interview this morning for the Feds.. I'm so nervous! The beast is sleeping right now lol!  My house is a disaster no matter how much we got rid of and moved ugh. I swept while he started taking his nap. Horrible. Now i'm just getting caught up with TV shows and my internet stuff :)

Wrangler will not eat his food.. the puppy food is more appetizing apparently. Sorry dude you're loosing weight with Mommy and Daddy.. which is going horribly by  the way! OK before all my free time Disappears!

~Nicki

PS: Pictures soon!

Sorry!

My bad! I should have updated sooner!

Appt Last Monday for our IVF consult went well :) She would like me to loose at least 20lbs.. so We started that.. Its a slow process.. :( But hopefully I will get a kick start and loose it! So it looks like IVF in August or September!! We have to start getting everything in place for financing and time off etc. But we are so excited that it may finally be OUR turn! So it looks like if all goes well ( come one I have the perfect bun oven!).. We will have a May or June baby :)

All things on the puppy front are right on track. My mom thinks i'm crazy for getting another one. The way I see it.. Its my life i'm tired of waiting for approval for things. So.. we're doing it! We need something to keep us occupied and our mind off things! Plus I'm sure Wrangler would love a buddy ;) He adores it when Bailey comes over! So today I'm stalking the UPS man waiting for new toys, bowls and a kitty scratching post to be delivered! Its on its way.. So HURRY UP! Cause then we wanna go to Petsmart to get a few things.. IE a Kennel and leashes, and a few toys for Wrangler cause he needs to be spoiled too!

Danny has his Federal interview on Monday.. I'm so nervous and i'm sure he is too. I Hope all goes well I'll be a mess waiting for him to come home! It will be SO good for us if this happened right now.. Like beyond awesome.

 My house is tiny we have been rearranging and moving things around like crazy, and getting rid of things. How are we going to fit a Baby, 2 adults, 3 cats and 2 dogs.. in our little house!? If we have twins.. we HAVE to get another house lol! I won't complain there.. its the looking at houses that suck! I would like to find a more permante house with an actual landscaped yard, room for gardening, trees, 4 bedroom 2 bath house. Also.. no major fixing like this house needs.. Ugh.

Anyways.. Back to stalk the UPS man :)

~Nicki

Well..

Some exciting things in our neck of the woods are happening :)

First off.. We're getting a PUPPY!

His Name is going to be Rocky :), he pretty much picked us.. Gave me kisses and wagged his tail!! He will be coming home sometime in may :) I never thought i'd own a lab.. because I know they can be terrors as a puppies.. But i'm going to do my damndest to have a well trained/behaved puppy! We haven't had a puppy in 5 years... so this should be interesting LOL!

In other news.. I made my IVF consult/ Next step for Monday.. MONDAY. ACK! Need to write down all my questions and go from there. So many!

Also.. This weekend is gonna be pretty busy :) Sunday gotta go Grocery shopping and then come back and clean up this house get it puppy proofed and rearranged!  Then work out in the garden/ yard :) Lots to do!! Then Monday is Out appt @ 10 then Danny has a Chiro appt at 3 then we will go to Mike and April's for dinner :) and see cute little Chloe! She is such a doll! Growing so fast!

Danny is working all the overtime he can cause they are not paying out for comp time.. So come June they HAVE to because July is their new fiscal year for the state :) I'll take the extra money!! So tonight he's working a double :( I get the bed to myself which sometimes is nice.. but tonight i'm not tired so I won't be able to fall asleep ugh. So off to shower to try and relax and hit the hay. Tomorrow is FRIDAY!

~Nicki

Horrible I know.

I've been a horrible blogger. I have just been working and trying to stay busy on the weekends.. Well somewhat unwanted busy. I Don't even know where to start!  I've seen my Godson a lot this month which makes me happy but then I think.. its probably the last few times i'll get to see them moving to Louisiana :(. I'll probably never get to visit.. because I hardly ever get to see my OWN family.. let alone friends. Ugh. Sometimes life just sucks.. Money is the worst thing ever!

 I'm terrified.. that on Monday I'm going to call and make an appt about the next step. How are we going to afford that? We are so hoping and praying that Danny gets picked up by the feds, because if he does he can pull his PERA and 457 which will be a nice chunk of money and we could pay almost everything off except car and house payment. How nice would that be? Um.. Lets say Fantastic.  But.. they are in the middle of a Warden change so we probably won't hear anything till the end of May. Praying SO hard. Things need to fall into place soon.. For now I will be happy that they are getting their 2 1/2% raise back and insurance is going down Woot! Plus they are not paying out comp time so Danny is sucking that up and earning as much as he can so that come July they have to pay out because July begins a new fiscal year for the State..I'll take an extra 500-600 dollars on the Paycheck!

In other news.. Finally got the garden going.. it only took forever!! Now it just needs to get warmer...Only planted lettuce, carrots and Onions and trying my hand at potatoes... I really hope new Gala apple became friends with my  Red Delish :). I need more strawberries, also my raspberries keep dying!!!  Its sad.. I'm on like my 3 set of bushes  :(  I really want some!  So Hopefully the garden goes good this year :)

On the baby front.. I think I seriously had a good O this month or i'm having one lol!  I've had some EWCM out the wahzoo!  I'm wondering if its from the antibiotics I was on for my lovely sinus infection. Thank the lord that's over, it was the reason for my lack of sleep.. Which was SO nice to have back.. I love sleep.

I think that about it.. Oh and My Animals are done with their behavior issues.. and are back to their loving self :)

~Nicki..

PS: Thanks if you have stuck around to check for updates!! I hope to update more often!!  <3

Frustrated and Stressed.

This is so not the blog post I had in mind.. Needless to say Doc and Volt got into it on Wednesday evening and are spending a little while apart.. Volt has no issues with Bean... Volt got Doc on the eye and Volt is having issues with a back paw.. So hopefully its off to the vet tomorrow.. UGH! NOT what I needed right now!!! Just when things were getting better :(

Also.. my nose has been causing me issues for the past week and a half...I literally wake up not being able to breath. So therefore I stay awake for the next Hour to two hours trying to get at least one clear nostril.. Its making me very irritable and grouchy.. I think an appt to my Dr or and ENT is in order.. I'm so sick of this...  (

 Then today.. we took Wrangler to the dog park and a while later after we were hanging out at Stacey's he wouldn't stop throwing up!  That was around 3:30.. he threw up once on the way home.. then 4 times in the house and 4 times outside.. Ugh.. Stace said try some rice.. we've been ok since then.. So  I dunno what happened!

I have 4 ugly cold sores to prove the stress that has been happening. Please go away.. i'd like to be normal again and not look like a scary monster.

~Nicki

Little Face lift :)

Figured I'd make things a little springy around here. Today was so gorgeous outside! Then as soon as I got out of work it got all cloudy and cold. I hope to have an actual life update soon. This weekend is gonna be pretty busy I think.

And i'm already tired to start. ugh!

~Nicki

Sorry to Fall of the face of the earth

I just haven't had the energy to even think of posting on here even tho I have things I want to write about going thru my head on a daily basis.

One thing that is irking me right now... is I was following a private adoption blog. I asked for an invite etc.. and now all of a sudden I'm not. wtf?  If you're going to give someone permission to read then take it away after months of reading.. (because apparently I don't comment enough) at least let the person know. So when I go to read said blog I'm not left hanging on a string. I'm a private person.. I don't share information about people that I read about on blogs.. hell my family doesn't even know I have this!


Anyways. I have been feeling very lost lately... trying to understand why everyone else gets to feel and experience the joy of mother hood. Here I am.. waiting patiently for 4 1/2 years to become a mother. My marriage is still going strong but the one thing we are missing is a child. I swear If I hear ' Why don't you just adopt' one more time I might scream.. Don't you think if I could afford it I would be doing it already? IVF cost 15,000 on up.. Adoption is almost twice that.
  I don't even know if I could go through that roller coaster of emotions.. miscarriage is hard enough. I wonder how many i've really had? If I hadn't of miscarried i'd be on the verge of birth right now.  I'm starting to think kids may not be in our future. When you go this long with out anything happening you start to wonder what you are really here for.
 I don't have a college education, I don't have a trade, I'm not good at a lot of things. Why am I here? I could have sworn I was made to be a mom.. Everyone keeps saying I will be such a good mom.. Yet no one trusts me with their kids? I can't even watch one for a few hours.. let alone have a sleep over.

  Being around kids and learning of new pregnancies are really starting to bother me.. I can't say hi to a new baby with out tears welling up in my eyes anymore.. I look a baby things and clothes longingly.. when will I get to have them in my house? Will I ever get that chance? Will I ever get to a paint a nursery, change my own child's diaper?

I think I've lost hope.  I don't want to make any appt for an IVF consult because i'm afraid of the answer.. Weight. Its my biggest issues.. I should have been careless like so many other girls and not cared weather or not I got pregnant right away. I used to weigh 165 when I met my husband.. when we got married I weighed 185. Now.. 245. I don't know what happened. I honestly don't.. now i'm miserable. I have a closest full of clothes that don't fit.. but i'm keeping for the day I might. 165 is a long ways away.  I have no one to help me through that journey anymore.


I guess that's enough tears for one night.. Off to bed.

~Nicki

Busy Bee.

Ugh.. Well between my my allergies acting up, loving on Miss Chloe, getting ready for inventory at work and now Danny hurting his wrist. I haven't had much time to blog. Trying to think of how to start this!

Well for one thing i've been kinda bummed out lately about me and danny's relationship. We've kinda lost the romance in our relationship. I think most of it is when we go over to Mike and April's I see them being all lovey and mushy toward each other and I notice that me and Danny don't do that. Possibly because we've been together 6 yrs... Crazy. Maybe we are approaching the 7 yr itch? We will be married 5 years. 5 years in July! Crazy thoughts.. but we're doing ok.. Danny is trying harder... ( He used to spoil me with Flowers all the time and little things like that)  And i'm trying to try harder too.

Work has been tiring to say the least.  Inventory was yesterday thankfully that is all over with!  Now we will get our NEW assistant.. Thank God no more Don. He is horrible.. We call him a little hitler.. yeah I know.. its bad but he is so rude! Ugh.. Spring is around the corner..Yay!

Taxes finally came in.. My 250 is burning a hole in my pocket!! But it has to wait for Girls Day with Kayla :). My DVR is bursting at the seems.. I haven't watched shows in like 2 weeks. We're always over at Mike and April's or somewhere (Mostly over there loving on Chloe!) She is the sweetest little thing.. Makes me sad at the same time.. But I think we just might get to babysit the little munchkin once in a while! Of course when she gets a bit older.. But i'm a diaper changing pro now hahah and getting better at dressing munchkins!

I think it was last Thursday.. Danny called me at work.. 15 min before I left work... I only worked a 4 hr shift! Saying he was on his way to the hospital because he hurt his wrist.. Well he had Friday and Saturday Off, then our 2 days off. At the appt on Monday they scheduled him to start Physical Therapy on thursday.. Then Yesterday he called me at work saying he was on his way back to the workmans comp Dr. .. Goody. So they are going to schedule him for an MRI on his wrist to make sure nothing is torn, or anything.

So thats the haps here around the house... Ugh I can't wait for my 4 day weekend coming up soon.

 Also.. turning 26 sucked. I don't wanna get older!!! *whine* I need to call RE we're so ready for the next step.

~Nicki

The rest of the Challenge!

Sorry we have been fairly busy with life lately :)  But here is the final few days of the 30 day blog post challenge!


Day 27 - Talk about a time when you made someone in your life understand more about infertility.
 I try to do this anytime I get the chance.. So its not just once in my life.. its an everyday occurrence!

 Day 28 - What do you use the “nursery” for right now? If you already had a baby, what did you use it for before pregnancy? It is used as the Cats room right now :) They are pretty spoiled.


 Day 29 - If you had known that you would have trouble conceiving, what would you have done differently in life? If you already knew, did that knowledge affect your other life choices? I would have tried to been healthier, been more active.. Never went on BC. Knowing that these things I have done may have made Endometriosis grow.

Day 30 -Tell us about a friendship you lost or a relationship that changed for the worse because of infertility. I'm not sure i'm at this point yet.. But my relationship with my mom has become a bit rocky because its very hard to make her understand infertility. Only because she says 'well i've never gone thru this so I don't know' and then just drops the subject. So it kinda hurts.

I promise I will have an actual update soon! Hopefully tonight!

~Nicki