I just haven't had the energy to even think of posting on here even tho I have things I want to write about going thru my head on a daily basis.
One thing that is irking me right now... is I was following a private adoption blog. I asked for an invite etc.. and now all of a sudden I'm not. wtf? If you're going to give someone permission to read then take it away after months of reading.. (because apparently I don't comment enough) at least let the person know. So when I go to read said blog I'm not left hanging on a string. I'm a private person.. I don't share information about people that I read about on blogs.. hell my family doesn't even know I have this!
Anyways. I have been feeling very lost lately... trying to understand why everyone else gets to feel and experience the joy of mother hood. Here I am.. waiting patiently for 4 1/2 years to become a mother. My marriage is still going strong but the one thing we are missing is a child. I swear If I hear ' Why don't you just adopt' one more time I might scream.. Don't you think if I could afford it I would be doing it already? IVF cost 15,000 on up.. Adoption is almost twice that.
I don't even know if I could go through that roller coaster of emotions.. miscarriage is hard enough. I wonder how many i've really had? If I hadn't of miscarried i'd be on the verge of birth right now. I'm starting to think kids may not be in our future. When you go this long with out anything happening you start to wonder what you are really here for.
I don't have a college education, I don't have a trade, I'm not good at a lot of things. Why am I here? I could have sworn I was made to be a mom.. Everyone keeps saying I will be such a good mom.. Yet no one trusts me with their kids? I can't even watch one for a few hours.. let alone have a sleep over.
Being around kids and learning of new pregnancies are really starting to bother me.. I can't say hi to a new baby with out tears welling up in my eyes anymore.. I look a baby things and clothes longingly.. when will I get to have them in my house? Will I ever get that chance? Will I ever get to a paint a nursery, change my own child's diaper?
I think I've lost hope. I don't want to make any appt for an IVF consult because i'm afraid of the answer.. Weight. Its my biggest issues.. I should have been careless like so many other girls and not cared weather or not I got pregnant right away. I used to weigh 165 when I met my husband.. when we got married I weighed 185. Now.. 245. I don't know what happened. I honestly don't.. now i'm miserable. I have a closest full of clothes that don't fit.. but i'm keeping for the day I might. 165 is a long ways away. I have no one to help me through that journey anymore.
I guess that's enough tears for one night.. Off to bed.
~Nicki
Zombie Cici Day, and other Fall things
2 years ago
2 comments:
The hardest part of infertility for me was not knowing. I wasn't ready to accept that I wouldn't have a child of my own, and I remember the lost feeling you had.
Weight has always been an issue for me as well. I was 250 at my biggest, now I fluctuate around 180...
I realize that I am blessed to have become a mother, and I wouldn't change all the hurt and struggles that I went through....but now it's divorce. I feel like I'm robbing my children of the chance to have a functional family...yet there is nothing else I can do about it. Their father chose to stop loving me and he chose to be a dad only when it's convenient for him.
I don't know why life has to be so hard. We just have to keep on going hoping that one day everything will work themselves out. Keep your chin up..
Infertility is such a cruel joke. And an unfair one at that. My heart goes out to you. I know first hand how hard this all is. Your experience is very different than my own, but it hurts all the same. I also thought that I would never get to be a mother to a baby of my own (I was adopted and having a biological baby was/is very important to me) since we didn't know what our issue was (there didn't seem to be anything wrong). I hope that you get the good news that you have been wishing for and dreaming of soon. Waiting for our sweet little baby is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Keeping faith that I was meant to be a momma...that helped me a lot. I'm sure you would be wonderful and hopfully, sooner rather than later, you will be able to prove that.
And don't take it personal about people not letting you watch their kids...some people have a hard time letting go (I admit, I am in that group - I had a hard time letting my own sister watch my baby). Everything works out ok in the end. If it isn't ok, then it isn't the end. Some how, you will get to be a momma.
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