Well...

Injectable are treating me nicely.. but I bet if I do them again I will start a higher dose.. I'm growing the eggs nice and slow.. my e2 is slowly rising.. I up my dose from a 1/2 an amp of Bravelle to a while vial tonight.. then after that either 37.5 iu or 75 iu Gonal-f depending on my e2 results on saturday or wait till monday.. Argh. Will have to go in Saturday anyways for an u/s, I guess a few ladies will have to also just gotta find out when (they will call tomorrow).

I wish I was responding a little faster.. Looks like i'll have a mid-week IUI I was kinda hoping to avoid.. we were like so right on track for a Monday IUI as far as cycle days goes... Of course you know it never works the way you want it too.. I hope this upped dose gets the follies where they need to be faster! One of the ladies on my board stimmed for 5 WEEKS before her first IUI. Yikes! I dunno if I can afford that! (thank god for free Bravelle, Crinone, and Gonal-f!!!!!!!!)

Ugh.. I'm getting stuffy :( I forsee mucinex in my future.. and its payday.. THANK GOD.. I need groceries BAD. So tired.. should made appt for later.. Don't have to be to work till 2 *yawn* I HATE being tired at work and right now its slow it makes it that much worse.. and trying to stay away from caffiene.. Not easy. Well gotta go.. there was more i was gonna write but my right eyebrow keeps twitching and its annoying and i'm tired...

~Nicki

So stupid...

Yep thats me I'm the stupid one. I shouldn't have gone to that baby shower.. I shouldn't have called off work. What was I thinking? I need to money.. I shouldn't have bought all that baby stuff.. I knew I was going to cry on the way home.. And I have and still am.

Then I did somethinge even stupider.. after everyone left.. I needed to tell April about the 3rd.. Danny wants them to come over for dinner. Then since she got a whole bunch.. a ton a of stuff. I asked her if she wanted me to help her take all the stuff in... Bad idea.. I'd be seeing their nursery and which pooh bedding they bought.

Its the one I picked for my nursery.


I go in Monday for an u/s to see how I'm responding to the Bravelle... Still have a 20mm cyst.. only shrunk 5 mm.. from last cycle. But still non hormonal e2 level was only 15 so I could still cycle.. I swear if this messes up my cycle again.. I will never go in for and u/s again on Fridays.. Because then I will no longer like Dr Harris. because this will be round # 2 that he has fucked up for me.. and tons of money down the drain.

I want this cycle to work SO bad.. its not even funny. I want this with every fiber of my being.. I will not go to any more baby showers until its my own.

~Nicki

One of those days...

Yep today was one of those days.. where I just feel sad about everything.. j

Danny thinks I have a lot of friends.. but when you think about it.. I have like 2 good friends.. and sometimes it doesn't even feel like that. Cause there are somethings I just can't talk about with them... Like this whole infertility thing.. its like i'm talking to myself.. but I guess thats to be expected. Can't help but talk about it either because it my life right now.. and i just want people to understand.

Also.. I hate not having any kids that I'm close to.. I have my nephew and neice..but they live 1500 miles away in Florida.. So that doesn't do me any good.. Then I have my godson..but it seems like every time i get to go see him something comes up or vice versa... I guess its better that way.. cause I'm horrible with kids.. I never know what to do or say. Why do I want kids if I don't know how to play with them or interact with kids? I always wanted to be that cool aunt or mommy's bestest friend that comes over and plays cool games with me. But kids don't remember me because we don't come around that much.. *sigh*
Not to mention i'm a horrible people person. I can't carry on a basic conversation to safe my life... I hate meeting new people because i'm so shy. UGH It sucks... Making friends as you get older blows.. because its either the people you work with.. OR you become friends with your kids friends parents.. Well.. I don't have option #2.

Well I won't be going with Endometrin. Its a Whopping $245 for 32 pills.. NO THANKS.. Not paying that much for something to get shoved up my crotch. So i'll be calling the Nurse tommoro and ask for Prometrium since its on our insurance drug fourmulary.. I keep thinking about secondary insurance.. but lord knows how expensive that would be!

BLAH.. I hate feeling like this...
~Nicki

AHHH

Well the witch showed up yesterday.. Why is is that sex always does the trick? Seriously.. when I want my period to come.. Just have sex!

Well anyways.. CD 3 u/s and blood work is Friday.. at 945am.. Yikes! Here we go.. I'm SO not ready.. needles.. every night in my belly? I'm good thanks! I really hope she will tell me I can do it when I get home from work.. and not have to drag it around with me. Plus..the thought of giving myself a shot.. Not fun. Plus I don't wanna drive back and fourth.. but we have to.. at least I think hahah! Haven't got that far in the cycle yet...


Please lord let all be right with my body and not go all wonky.. and go perfect like our very first cycle and give us our miracle!!! The Holidays being pregnant would be awesome :) specially letting everyone know we are having our first munchkin 3 years in the making! Please Please!

~Nicki

Congratulations and Complaints.

First off I would like to Congradulate a fellow Infertile on becoming a Mommy today! Liz and Rich just welcomed the most gorgeous, handsome Little man!!! Head full of black hair!!! ( I hope mine comes out with that much ;) ) She is going to be the most stylish, awesome Mommy ever! Congrats again Liz and Rich I hope you enjoy every second of you little bundle!


And now for the complaints....

#1- The Kitty litter boxes need to be washed... They are starting to smell again. Thank god for Vingear and Baking soda...

#2- I think I am at the angry, jealous stage that infertiles go thru when seeing pregnant women( think i've been here a while).. I SWEAR they are haunting me at work.. EVERY second I turn around BAM. Noticable belly.. or BAM Newborn in cart! Its like UGH really!? I just cringe....well more like force a smile then walk away with tears in my eyes.. I think I know why I cry EVERY time I say Hi to a friends infant or any infant at work... I'm longing for my own..I don't know what its like to love a little human being that much. I seriously start welling up with tears in my eyes just saying HI. How screwed up is that!?! Ugh...

#3- I am so done with baby showers.. April's will probably be the last one I go to.. unless its my own. Seriously. I'm sick of buying all this cute baby stuff and it IS NOT FOR ME. Like why am I going thru all this trouble CROCHETING a baby blanket out of the cutest pink baby camo yarn with the most cutests pattern !?!?!?? Not to mention the basket i'm giving to her for her baby shower full of all sorts of goodies.. Probably because I would love the same in return when I have mine? I doubt i'll even GET a baby shower let alone a homemade blanket...I just can't take it anymore...its too much to handle.. I'll probably go thru the entire baby shower with tears in my eyes and looks like a complete idiot... I don't even know her that well.. Maybe its because it's Mike's wife... and we kinda went thru that falling out and now we're talking again? I dunno but its going to be hard sitting there playing games surrounded by cute stuff and a pregnant belly.

#4- Parents who do not teach their kids to put shit back where they got it. Seriously.. it makes you look like a SLOB. Does your home have shit strewn all over the floor?!?!? Didn't think so.. My mom would have beat my butt if I left crap everywhere. Or acted like these kids do today.. NO disipline whatso ever. None. I zoned the Halloween Isle today...Holy *big long cuss word* EVERY Freaking mask was on the floor or on the baseboards. Seriously!? You have the nerve to sit there and watch your children destroy an isle and not even CARE!? Yeah we may be there to pick up stuff.. Be we aren't your maids.. How would you like it if we came to your work and trashed the place.. Yeah thats what I thought.
Please its not that hard to tell you children to put it back on the freaking hook.. I don't even care if its the right one. Just keep it off the floor.. its gross nasty.. people bleed on it, throw up and lord knows what else. It also pisses me off when I'm in the isle zoning and something I JUST FIXED a kid comes over looks at it and then throws it on the floor.. SERIOUSLY!!?!?! I then proceed to glare at the child.


I think thats good. AF is due any day now.. She can show up so the bitchyness can stop. Ugh.. this weekend might not be too good.. we'll see.

Cold.

Yesterday was my favorite kind of day.. Overcast gloomy, rainy all day kinda day I <3 that weather! It was nice.. Today is supposed to be more of the same, but the sun is trying to come out.

My husband deserves the biggest Here's your sign award. He was trying to ligh the heater.. got that done.. Well it had been and hr and STILL hadn't kicked on.. So he calls the little place here and town and asks what could be up.. After talking for a few min.. We have several steps of switches on ours you have to go thru before it kicks on.. My Dead Loving husband Left it on at ' Warming' instead of turning it to 'On'. Oh How I love that man.

Anyways.. We're about to hit our superduper crappy months.. in where I worry every freaking day about how we are going to get stuff for christmas, tags on car, winterizing the house, Obesess over finding a REAL Christmas tree. Yes. I am the worrier of all worriers... Ugh. We will survive.. maybe.

It just feels like nothing will ever.. or ever has gone our way. Makes you wonder about stuff.. The latest thing.. Is Danny's sister hit a bear, a 12x12 post and an electrical pole with his beloved Toyota... When I heard this.. the first thing that ran thru my head was. My husbands livley hood just went down the drain. Surely it must be totalled...Its pretty bad..but fixable. Of course I don't have the money to give him to let him go on his merry way to Toyota junk yard heaven.

As it is right now.. this next cycle will cost us $500 just for gas and monitoring! Which means a fully paid for medicated cycle will be at least 1200 dollars.. holy shit. That is insane.. We will have to save and ASS load if this cycle doesn't work. *cry*

I think AF is on her way...I am SUPER munchy and everything under the sun sounds good. Not to mention super bitchy hahah and moody and getting headaches! Ugh. She just needs to get here already!

Ugh.. Really tired today. Have been lately.. Gotta get ready for work Booo.!

~Nicki

Super Blargh

Ugh.. I just want my period to come already... The whole loosing weight thing is.. well frustrating and blows! Especially when you work in the middle of the freaking day!!! I HATE 11-8 shifts.. they sucks. Larry I hate you for that!

I started off really good.. I do good during the day.. but working 11-8 i come home STARVING and then eat a bunch of crap.. And of course I can't go grocery shopping for good food because.. well I need money for that hahah We're trying to save money for future cycles and tags for car. It just seems impossible to do so because we keep having to spend it on crap.. that we shouldn't have to spend it on.. Danny had to go to the Chiro today because when he runs he fucks up his back. Chiro told him no more running. Then I have an appt on the 19th with my regular Dr. My nose is driving me INSANE I will take anything... Wish I could afford Omnaris.. but its 100 bucks..( because my insurance sucks like that) Maybe I'll get a few more free samples ;)

I'm ready to be cycling again.. Then we will have to stop till after the new year (pretty sure) unless we can come up with the money before then.. Not sure.. Just ready for something to go our way for once!

~Nicki ( i'm pooped.. Stupid Halloween!)

Numb...

I'm numb.. Saw Mike today at work.. I asked them how everything was going.. He said they had just got done baby shopping in the springs.. Getting nursery things.. I asked what color they picked etc.. Bad Idea..

They picked Winnie the Pooh.. What I want for my nursery.. What I WANT. But don't know if i'll ever get it...I wanted to cry at work.. But I just couldn't.. no tears welled up nothing. Just a numb feeling...

I NEED to loose weight before this next cycle.. which I have no idea when will happen because I ovulated twice.. I think.. Ugh.. This sucks! Why does my body have to be all fucked up!?!?!?! Ugh.. Now i'm jsut angry.. I need to go to bed.. and I'm starving.. and I will wake up @ 7 am with a huge clogged nose.. every freaking day for over a week.. It needs to STOP.

Now i'm going to bed.. If I can sleep.

~nicki

Short.. Sweet and To the Point.

~ Frontierville is pissing me off.. It has put me in a foul mood.. Sad no? It takes FOREVER AND A FREAKING DAY to load.. i cannot post to share things.. or ask for.. or ask my friends to send stuff back.. Thats the whole point of the Fucking game.. Its been over a WEEK...

~I'm just plain pissy.. maybe a really bad case of PMS due to early ovulation!? My cycle is so screwed up.. wtf?

~My nose is fine when I stand.. then I sit and its clog central..can I have a normal nose.. Please!?

~I cannot sleep lately.. I wake up at 3:45 on the dot.. then 7:53 on the dot.. roll around and decide i should get up because said nose above is clogged and will not let me go back to sleep.

~I need to clean my house desperately.. but that looks like it will have to wait till NEXT weekend to do so... Lord I need a break.

~My tags are like 100bucks cheaper than anticipated *SCORE*

~I'm making a blanket out of pink camo yarn for Mike and Aprils Baby GIRL! Its adorable... It needs to be done by January.. Uh.. I need to crochet faster...

~Crocheting is awesome.. but i can only do it for so long.. because repetive motion annoys me. ( I don't know how I cope with everyday life.. ) I blame my brother for this aspect of my personality...

~I need new work bras.. My 1 of 2 snapped.. while.. WALKING. WTF! I hate my huge boobs.. I want to chop them off..

~Danny is annoying me lately.. i just want to be by myself. But its impossible.

~Its freezing in my house.. It was SO NICE Today but the swamp was left on.. and now its 60 degrees in my house. Brrr... A/c or no a/c in the bedroom tonight...

~I'm exaughsted...But.. my body will wak up @ 7:52 sharp... and i'll be up for the day...

~Going to mom and dads tomorrow.. going to outlets with Mom.. Danny will stay home with Dad since he hurt his leg... then we will have Ziti for dinner and apple squares for desert :) Then we will come home and sleep.. Plans for Monday are still in the air.. Ugh..

SLEEP. ( maybe not so short hahah)
~Nicki