A plan.. Perhaps?

I think we may have finally come to an agreement if you will about a plan for the whole baby thing.. It struck me yesterday.. Adoption. I spent all night googling things and requesting information about Adoption.. Then I just broke down and said I can't do it because I feel like I wouldn't love the child or how unfair would it be to then have a biological child after adopting? Needless to say I spent half of the evening in tears because I just don't know what to do!!

  Of course everything requires money and Adoption is more than IVF. About 25 to 30k. So.. Here is what I think.. is going to happen.


This year.. get healthy, do supplements, take our Disney vacation, Save. Danny told me if we take 100 dollars from each pay check from now (well maybe Feb as we are a little hard pressed starting the new year.. go figure) till August or so.. we will have 3600 dollars.. That's a lot, and just for Disney (plane tickets, park tickets and spending money).. because well I love Disney and I buy a lot! So.. After that save as much as we can, no specific time limit.

Try IVF#2, unless by a miracle we get pregnant naturally!? Hey, I can dream. Then if that doesn't work.. possibly find a way to fund an adoption. I can't believe how open to it I became all of sudden, Danny either. We wanted to try everything possible.. But at the end of the day, we just want a family, a child to love and care for and teach things.

Untill I get my supplements i'll be working out and continuing weight watchers.. I have lost 17 lbs since May I think? Really can't tell, but that was all just watching what I ate and occasionally working out. I am taking my BBT again.. Not like it will do anything LOL, but I guess if we are doing it au naturale I need to know around the time i'm ovulating.. since I cannot for the life of me find my 5000 test strips.


I really hope this year brings some good things our way.

Good Bye 2012.. You kinda sucked. 2013.. can you be good to us?

~Nicki

Happy New Year everyone.

So.. Where to go from here??

Sooo. Yeah. Change.. I hope a lot of it comes our way. There are so many things this year I already want to do or get done.

Let see, for starters.. I want the bathroom DONE.  Its just little things that are standing in our way, like putting trim around the floor, setting the sinks permanently on the wall, finishing painting the ceiling  a couple new cabinets. That's it.

Other things around the house including doing the cabinets in the kitchen, painting the doors and trim in the house. Lots of outside work. We're getting grass in the back yard if it kills me. I don't care how long, how much we have to block off for the dogs.. I'm getting grass!! A clothes line would be nice too ;)

 I think that's about it...as far as house stuff goes...

Now as far as me goes. I want to try going Gluten free, even if its just partial  and just overall eating healthy and working out.. might not be all heavy go at it, just enough for me and to help with weight loss. Of course i'll still have my splurge days.. because well who can't? No one's perfect. So I need to start researching all this junk LOL don't know what I can and can't have. Maybe I can find a book. Wish I could do a detox of some sort.. but I'm not that hard core hahah Unless it was like a 2 day thing but we all know those don't exist.

So.. still need to make my appt. They should be open tomorrow so i'll call. Ugh..I'm kinda of dreading it but want to get it over with.

I'm sure there was more I was gonna write, but gotta get ready to go to work.

~Nicki

PS: Hope all of you had a very Merry Christmas or whatever Holiday you celebrate!

2 trees and a BFN

So.. we officially have had 2 trees this year. The first one I don't know what happened.. but it was crisp as a potato chip when Danny took it out. We watered it, cut off the bottom and it still died!  So Danny being the loving husband that he is.. went out the other day and got a new tree.. LOL its not the best but its alive :)

We started with this.

Beautiful Right?

We ended with this.

See how all the branches are flat?? And its really not.. well green??

Now we have this :)

Green and Happy even tho it looks like its missing a branch at the top LOL

So.. like the title says.. our First IVF failed..Me and Danny are pretty devestated.. but are trying to move on.. Just like my nurse Jodi said  we will have ups and downs. It sucks its was right before Christmas.. and Yesterday.. It did feel like the end of the world. I am  now thinking of all the possible testing and things we can do to move on as quickly as possible. Not cycle wise but life wise. It will be a long time before we cycle again. We will need 18,000 dollars to cycle again. Due to the added need for ICIS. One thing that is still getting to me.. which I will ask Dr. Murray, is why did we have that one Chemical with our first IUI.. is a natural pregnancy possible, Or with IUI??  I will schedule our WTF appt after Christmas.

   I do want to get tested for my Thyroid  maybe any other autoimmune issues.. because I feel that something is totally wrong other than having DOR. Maybe I do have PCOS.. I want to know.. I have been diagnosed, undiagnosed   and partially diagnosed.. Really annoying. I'm one of those people.. Unexplained is NOT an option for me!!! I have symptoms of lots of things.. even if I have to go to my regular Dr.. Who is pretty awesome too.. I will. 

   I do have in the back of my mind that we get healthy and if something is wrong and can be corrected with meds that we *might* conceive naturally.. which would be the best thing ever.. Or maybe even try a couple more IUIs. I will NOT be telling anyone we are trying again.. It was just way overwhelming.. I do appreciate all the prayers and thoughts.. but It was just too much with everyone asking.. and then they can say or do the wrong things.. Which.. well just makes it WORSE. Me and Danny will go at our own pace and keep to ourselves.

   I also want me and Danny to get healthy.. I want to try not to eat out as often and when we do eat better, because there are those weeks you just run and run, then you are never home for a meal. I want to try the stab at meal planning again LOL.  Trying new things.. maybe even doing partial gluten free? I need to read up on this and see what is and what isn't gluten free. Because I know for infertiles it can be good. I haven't lost anymore weight.. well because its the holidays and the goodies only come once a year ;)! I'm happy with that. I think my motivation finally showed up to get healthier and loose weight, specially my stomach.. I hate it.. So I see a lot of sit ups in my future!  

   I really Lucked out with my husband.. He is the best ever.. Does everything he can for me to make me happy.. even tho sometimes I don't deserve it.. Like getting 2 Christmas trees? Who does that?  He said he will do anything to make me happy and whatever we can to save and try again. I really do love him.. I couldn't find another man in the world like this. He is truly a gem. Danny did get spoiled this Christmas.. and with the giant Disney Store box that came in the mail a few weeks ago... So did I ;) 

Danny did say one thing.. We might go to Disney depending on Taxes.*Maybe* in July, Aug, Sept! I am totally NOT opposed to this :) I miss it.. and we need to get away just the 2 of us.. Maybe even see my sister and Niece and Nephew. So I will gladly save and look forward to that. As well as saving for future treatments :)

Disney World 2013?? Sure!! Why not!?

~Nicki

PS: Having the worst period ever.. OMG.. I took 2 Tylenol 3 with codeine last night and woke up feeling like a million bucks.. haven't had a sleep like that in a long time. It was lovely.   

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Snowing and a dead tree...

Its snowing outside and our poor Christmas tree has already died and it looks pretty sad :( . Not sure what happened.. but I almost want to go get another one.. but its way to late and the thought of decorating it again LOL.

I POAS at 6dp3dt.. way to early I know but I did anyways.. Then again 8dp3dt and it was neg.. I will admit I lost a little bit of hope. Still early but I was hoping that there would be some sort of a line. My blood test is Friday. I don't think I'll POAS again. I did pee 5 thousand times last night at work.. not sure what happened there. I guess I just keep looking for symptoms and I have none.. My boobs hurt last night but I'm blame progesterone and being in bra the whole day!

Plus one day of being back to work.. and I have HUGE bags under my eyes.. and I woke up at 9.. really...wtf? I go from looking all rested to crap instantaneously. Not cool.


I'm still tired it seems.. but I haven't worked in almost 2 weeks.. so thats probably why..I'm really hoping i'm in denial like our first IUI and i'm preggo.. I do keep talking to my belly.

Me and Danny are talking about what our next step will be.. he mentioned fostering/ fostering to adopt.. I don't even know where to start..Its very overwhelming..  I have never been around children for along periods of time.. I don't know how to talk to them or anything. An infant would be awesome . because well I can learn.. Danny on the other hand is like the child master.. I know your thinking why does this woman even want kids if she doesn't even know how to interact with them? I never grew up with younger cousins or younger siblings.. i'm the baby.. Danny got to experience it all.. The only interaction i've ever had is with Gideon and now Chloe.. and occasionally other kids.. but never for very long. Just makes it tough for me to make these kids of decisions.

We will continue talking if the outcome is negative.. I just don't have that feeling that it worked. I'm trying to stay positive.. Yesterday my first day back to work was almost to much.. all the questions and people saying they are crossing their fingers or do this do that, do you have any symptoms.. Yeah.. About to go insane.

I have to go finish my cookies and then eat some lunch before work.. will have to leave super early today cause i'm grandma driver in the snow ;)

Praying very hard that one little baby hung on.. I would hate to be talking to an empty uterus.

~Nicki

Thoughts

You've been warned! Before I get going for the day.. even tho is 10:35am... I'd figured i'd update this thing!!


I POAS( Peed on a stick) this morning.. even tho 6dp3dt is WAY to early LOL.. I had to.. Just that over whelming urge. So I did... and it was stark white. So.. Just hoping and praying a line will appear in a few days. I have that strong gut feeling this didn't work.. I asked Danny today if I was like this with our first IUI that did.. and he said yes.. so maybe that translates to it did work but I don't want to think it did?? I swear... If I have triplets I will not complain.. hell if I have one I won't.. I just pray that one embaby snuggled in. We want this soooo bad its killing us.. I don't know what will happen if it doesn't work.

 The people supporting us thru this.. I just don't think they understand the financial, emotional and physical aspect of this tiring process... Four years of this is way too much for anyone to bear.. I honestly don't know how some couples go thru many more years of this. I just can't fathom another 4 years. I mean I'm glad we started when we did.. but how much longer can we keep going?? We're seriously going to have to cut everything back in order to continue with anything.


Danny made the car payment the other day.. we have 49 payments left.. Why can't it be like 12 LOL? Life would be better if that was the case! It will be hard to figure out where to cut from because.. we'll we don't do much as it is..

Christmas this year.. doesn't even feel like Christmas. I haven't baked a single thing. I just finished Christmas shopping.. well expect some little stuff.. This it the earliest its happened LOL. But i'm not even excited about whats under the tree.. I don't even know how we are gonna do Christmas this year... Since we are both off. My mom told me she hasn't even done a tree or anything.. Our tree is dead already.. How sad is that? I'm going to try to do some baking today... We will see how that goes LOL.

I'm trying to finish Gideon's scrapbook. Sad. But i need to get it done and get it out so its out of my way. Its taken me since September to even look at it. Plus we've been busy.

I love scrap booking.. wish I had more time for it.. Well I do I just need to make myself do it.. Plus it would be nice to have something to scrap book about.

I should have never taken this much time off.. I have literally gone insane.. all by myself all day.. No one will let me do anything like I'm going to fall apart!  I BEGGED Danny to take me outta the house 3 days ago.. and have gone out every night since.. Because I'm ready to kill an animal or something by the time Danny gets home at 3. The First night we just went to dinner up in Pueblo at Chipotle because mexican is the only thing that sounds good. The 2nd night we went and saw The Hobbit and had dinner.. and last night we finished Christmas shopping in Pueblo. Wow Was I tired after all that walking LOL. I felt weird.

So maybe today i'll be content at home baking and scrap booking. Have to call the office again tomorrow and get them to send in a release for Tuesday so I can go back to work.. OMG.. I WANT to go back to work.

Well  I think i've babbled enough.. I hope that my miracles for this months haven't run out and in a few days I get a positive preg test.. My actual Beta test is Friday. Praying soooo hard..

~Nicki

Sorry for the delay!

Well we had our Embryo transfer yesterday.. With a 6,7,8 cell embryos :) we decided on all 3 because they said with the rescue ISCI that not all 3 would likely take.


We had to leave 4 hours early.. because we got snow pretty much ALL day on Sunday!! I was excited but it was super icy and crappy roads. So we left at 630 am on Monday. We stopped twice, once right passed Ft. Carson.. because I had to pee and get something to eat. Then we stopped at 9 at the Park Meadows mall in Denver so I could empty my bladder.. then drink 32 oz of water.. Because you have to have a full bladder OMG. I shouldn't have started drinking so early.. Our appt wasn't till 11. So.. By the time we get there 2 hrs early.. we went to Panera Bread across from all the medical pavilions and the Hospitals ( there is University Colorado Hospital and Children's). Had some more water and a bagel to eat.. (mmm Cinnamon Crunch bagel) By the time we get over to the hospital its not even 10.. OMG.. It drug on and on.. I had to pee SO BAD.

By the time the nurse came and got us.. I could barely walk cause my bladder hurt so bad. She did let me pee a little because it can be too full! Well it sure as hell felt like it. So I felt a little better.. We got all undressed and Danny in scrubs teehee :)  We went back to the OR room and I was complemented on my full bladder. I felt a little embarrassed because there was like 7 people in the room. Talk about AWKWARD. Crotch on display for all to see.. I think there was 4 Dr.s, the embryologist, and 2 u/s techs.

It was a pretty surreal experience to see the embryos going in.. which is why you have to have a full bladder. I started crying.. well trying not too LOL afterwards me and Danny both broke down. It really didn't take all that long but it felt like forever because I had to pee so bad.. I had the option of afterwards to use a bedpan or wait.. I opted to wait.. then started freaking out cause I had to pee SO bad.

Then I freaked out thinking they would fall out LOL. That was the most uncomfortable ride ever. We stopped at Red Robin for lunch.. I think I did too much.. but I was sitting. I was reclined.. my neck hurt then I came home and laid down for a while tried napping.. then say up and messed around on the computer.. Still think I did to much.. But if its going to work its going to work. I'm off till the 18th.

Everyone thinks i'm going to fall apart!! I'm pretty sure I can stand to shower and get up to pee and maybe get myself some snack and drinks! Which by the way the progesterone is making me super hungry all the time and my boobs sore!

We are praying .. I have alot of people praying this works for us.. I really want our little miracle or miracles. We MAY get 2 frosties.. Didn't have an update today so hopefully soon they will let me know either way. They said yesterday the other 2 are still growing :)

I'll leave you with a picture of our embabies!! I hope a few snuggle in..If we do get triplets.. we will cross that bridge when we get there.. but we are hoping for 2 or 1 :)

~Nicki

Today has been an awesome day!

 And its only 12:24pm!!! Got an update on our embryos.. the 3 are doing fantastic.. and the other 2 have fertilized as well!! I am calling this a miracle :D and hopefully we will get our Christmas Miracle  in a week or so we will know!!

I am still in shock.. I cannot believe that this is happening! After all we've gone thru.. I just hope and pray we get our baby.. and I think after this I will be fine with one baby.. and maybe later down the road.. try for #2 if we get frosties!

Still not sure how many we're going to transfer.. Depending on quality it will be all 3 or just 2 and hope for 3 frosties!

I guess today I should vaccum and sweep and pick up so i'm not tempted to start cleaning while i'm supposed to be resting!  And you bet your ass i'll be sucking it up ;) Got Chili in the crockpot.. because its FINALLY Snowing!! We have about 4 inches and its still coming down !! Feels alot more like Christmas!

Still need to get Danny a few more presents.. if the wallet allows LOL its been a rough month going back and fourth and now we have to i'm assuming pay the 2,000 for the rescue ISCI.. I'll have to find out tomorrow if we can do payments or something. If I didn't need the extra 900 vial (almost 800) and to put money in the bank.. almost 800 we'd be ok lol. But stuff happens!  We will be ok!

Off to clean!

~Nicki

Pray for 1....

and we get 3!!!! Dr. Wong the lead embryologist called this morning after the rescue ISCI.. and said that 3 out of the 9 have fertilized. I am thanking the good lord up above for this miracle.

Now I'm torn... all three or stick to the 2 in hopes that just one takes? Maybe 2? OR see if ONE makes it to freeze??  I don't think any will make it to freeze.. but this is just one miracle I hope of many.

Thank you Lord for this miracle.. we just hope you can make another one happen and give us our baby we so dearly want. At this point.. I'll take what ever you give me and leave it at that. But please. Just one.

~Nicki

Numb.

Yesterday was Retrieval day.. So very nervous and excited.. They got 17 eggs...  I should be happy right?

Well no. Because this is the call I got this morning..

12 had no eggs.. and the other 5 did not fertilize.

They will be doing rescue ICSI ( hail mary) but chance of pregnancy from them is slim.

What do you do when you learn you may not have children because you don't have eggs, or the ones you do have.. won't let the sperm in?

I haven't figured this out yet..

Got a call a little while later saying they ICSI'd the 5 and then 4 more popped up in the incubator.. so they did them as well. Danny's sperm is apparently fantastic.

I cried and cried.. E-mailed Danny and said I needed him to call me.. needless to say we are both home.. and both a mess.

We are devastated and don't know where to go from here.  I want a bio child so bad.. But do we move on to Donor embroys? Do we try IVF again and automatically do ICSI? Do we adopt? Or do we live child free.. because right now all of those options are not options.. because well.. You need and obscene amount of money to do any. Right now we need another 2000 just for ICSI.. Because we were told we didn't need it.. Should have done it anyways.

So lost and numb right now.. Praying SO hard that God will give us just one embryo.

Freaking out.

Yeah I was all excited yesterday when my RE told me that. Tonight I can trigger and have my ER on Thursday. But now.. I'm just plain freaking out.. I don't know what to do with the dogs.. we will have to stay overnight because We have to be at the hospital at 6 am.. we live about 3 hrs away. The hotel that is closest is 139 and up a night.. Seriously?

I'm like super weepy today and could probably cry at anything! I think all the meds have caught up with me.. Danny will have to come to work to do my trigger shot.. Not looking forward to doing that in the car of the parking lot..Yeah. For real.

Only Lupron tonight then my poor belly can rest. Then I start Vivelle Patches and Endometrin and 2 other meds after ER.  I'm having anxiety just thinking of this.. is it going to work? How many will they get ( RE said we could get at least 10)? How many will fertilize? When will my transfer be, 3 or 5 day, or the odd 2 or 4 day?  O.M.G someone please turn my brain off!!

I have to work today. I don't want to.. I cannot wait for these 13 days off.. even if that means i'm going crazy waiting for  positive test. I really want Danny to be there for the Transfer.. but that might not happen.. in which case I will probably cry.

So.. gonna go get ready to head to work. and then continue freaking out.

~Nicki