Merry Late Christmas!

I know its late :) But better late then never! I hope Santa and your loved ones treated you good!! I know they did me :) Best Christmas in a long time!

Now I have a long list of things to watch and read :D New pots and pans (whoops just bought some!) BUT that means I can finally Godwill the oldies! AWESOME Baking Pans and new cooking gadgets ;)! New pjs, a shirt and new boots! The cutest slippers ever.. Beankitty is in love with the Puffballs on them.. I keeps having to shoo her off hahah.

Oh and the best one of all.. It made me cry and then Danny felt bad!! A while back in the Hallmark store I saw these Disney plack.. (I <3 Disney ) They said some of the most precious things.. one of them just stood out at me.. Even miracles take a little time - Cinderella. Danny bought it for me.. its on our entertainment center. Its so true.. I hope and pray!

Danny got alot of Toyota stuff he has NO excuse not to work on it now hahah. A bunch of tools and stuff, welding equiments and a new carhartt, few clothes and movies, cds and a foodie things :p hahah

SO. Anyways..I'm off today.. I wanted to clean like a mad woman.. I am slowly.. Washing clothes and dishes. Need to sweep and mop the floor. I wanted to SO bad shampoo my floor.. and then the dog walks in and tracks much everywhere.. Hmm.. Might have to lock him in for a while. I need to change the sheets, Vacuum.
Clean the bathrooms.. Which.. something is going on in the toilet in the spare bathroom.. I clean it at least once a week because we don't use it often. Its growing stuff.. I think its because of the skylight giving too much heat and sun to the water... So it could be algea eww.

Rearranged the cabnites a little so my pots and pans are on either side of the sink.. going to take some getting used to! Been the other way for 5 years hahah. We'll survive ;)!

I cannot blieve the new year is right around the corner.. I sure hope 2012 is good.. We seem to have 1 good year then 1 bad year.. This was a bad one. I have more to post but I need to get cracking on this house. Its filthy!! So more later :) It will be more a new years post!

~Nicki

You can tell...

When its the Holidays around our house.. Because its a disaster zone.. My floors haven't been swept/mopped in a long time.. When's the last time I Vaccumed? No Clue. My carpets really really need to be shampooed. Its all I can do on the weekends to get laundry done and dishes cleaned. My poor cats room looks like a tornado went thru is because of lack of vaccuming! Ugh.. This is the first weekend we have been home for more than 3 hrs. Yeah.. Crazy.

I just have a little shopping for the hubby left. Then I'm done. All of our decorations actually went up in a timely manner this year :) Happy about that! I had only a little I wanted to write about in this blog.. but since I finally have time.. that list has grown to alot. Not sure where to start...

Well It feels as if I will be the last woman on earth (at this point) to ever have a kid or be a mom. First off.. I suppose.. (Sorry this is going to be like super out of whack)

I can't remember if i've mentioned the 2 young 20somethings at work (20, and 21) That are preggo.. The 20yr old.. didn't think you could get preggo on Birth control, and the other 21yr old.. already has 2 young boys.. and got preggo with her THIRD just So she could possibly get a girl!?!? WTF is wrong with people. I Swear.. SO that was a blow. THEN my new co-worker.. Infertility always seems to make its way into a conversation when i'm involved. She she knows.

While working together cleaning up toys. I said I'm so ready for kids so I can play games with them and all the fun stuff.. She then says yeah me too i've always wanted to be a young mother blah blah. Then she goes to say her period is all out of whack.. I wanted to Die right there.

The Monday before all that.. we were car shopping with my sister in law.. and mother in law.. Holy Hell I will never do that again. Anyways.. after a long afternoon with no sucess.. We stopped at the mall so I could return a bra... I really didn't want to.. But they didn't have it to reorder in my size.. *sigh* so She returned it and started looking at Bras to replace that one.. My mother in law makes the comment 'Will this one make a baby' KNOWING flat out our issues.. I'd had it.. I walked out of the store balling my eyes out.. Needless to say I still have the Bra. After SHE was upset she explained to us that I need to be happy for other people or they won't be happy for us, That we should stop after one kid.. that our marriage is going to fall apart and that we need to stop thinking baby baby baby.. So um.. Yeah. Its bee a rough month infertility wise.. It just keeps piling on.

So fast forward to today.. I finally got to see Gideon after Lord knows how long.. I missed that little guy :) His fave word is NO and Mommy *lol* He is in love with Doc, his kittes and puppy :) Adorable little guy! So.. then Jeff came over to catch up.. He asks me to sit down.. I'm all O.K.. why? So I sit down and he pulls a fucking u/s photo out of his pocket.. All I could say was Sriously!? GET THIS.. They have been dating 10 wks.. she's 9 wks preggo.. Yeah.. Nice. I swear.. Something is out to get me... And its winning. Infertility 4 Nicki 0

He said that he had a very heavy heart with telling us because of what we have been thru. OH ALSO They were using protection. !$@#$^. Him saying that didn't make it any better. It still was a swift kick in the crotch.

Ugh.. I'm going to sit miserably on my couch because.. I'm sick.. for the first time in forever. Blow my nose 500 times and then go to bed.. and Bake in the morning..For the weathermans sake.. there better be snow on the ground in the morning.. I need some happiness! Yeahh so there has been my life in a nutshell right now. Anything else? I think if my sil or brother was having a baby next that might be the icing on the cake.. :(

~Nicki

Mrs. Grinch

That's who I feel like right now.. I'm a walking Grinch Bomb.

I have been so pissy at home I blow up at anything.. Poor Danny :( He's handling it all in stride because he knows i'm just not me right now.

I think the fact of spending another Christmas with out a child..again.. Is really getting to me. Just seeing the magic in the littles kids eyes when they see the lights and Santa's everywhere.. Its a killer. How can you get in the christmas mood when you see that around you and you can't see the sparkle in your own kids eyes? *sigh* I still haven't called about IVF.. I'm scared that they will say no we can't work with you or.. You need to loose 50lbs before we try.. Ugh.


I cannot get in the Christmas sprit this year.. I just can't! Sure I wanna buy gifts for Danny.. But we are still adjusting to the loan and getting everything worked out in the money Dept. So I can't buy as much as I always want :) So I just try to get the meaningful things that everyone will appreaciate. Afterall Christmas is about being with your friends and family not all about the gifts.

Also.. Meeting up with Kayla this weekend to go shopping. Texted Stacey to see what she was doing and haven't heard back.. But she will have her new puppy this weekend so.. I guess I'll go another month with out seeing her or the Munchkin.. God I miss him.. Growing up so fast :(. I'll probably have to end up mailing his gift. *sigh* I hate work.

I have to order my Christmas cards.. I should probably do that before I go to work..

~Nicki

I wish I could scream.

I just want to scream and cry and throw a big fit. Instead.. I'm just pouting and not talking except in short sentences... Just drew a blank...


So I'm so over trying for a baby... I'm just at that point I have no hope left.. when you have put everything you have into something and get nothing in return. Everytime you see that negative staring back at you, you just get a little more deflated each time.. Well i've been delfated so much I just have no air left to deflate... That's how i'm feeling right now.. Deflated.. beyond deflatedness.. If thats possible.

I'm going to go to try and have a good weekend and drink a massive amount of wine... (hopefully hahah ) See my brother for our once a year visit.. which sucks, and try not to argue with my mom or be in a bad mood.. this should be interesting. Gotta go finish laundry then bed.

Disconnected.

That's how i'm feeling right now.. Very disconnected.. from work, from my marriage, from everything. Not sure how to get it back to where it was. I haven't talked to Danny yet.. I was going to.. but he decided to have a few drinks after taking his meds for his back.. and well He's asleep in bed after I told him to not fall asleep on the couch.. it would probably not help his back. SO.. That will have to wait.. and probably not till tomorrow night. Having our Thanksgiving tomorrow early afternoon.

I feel a giant meltdown coming on. Don't think its gonna be very pretty! I'm just sick of everything need a change massive.. BUT we all know that won't happen. Ugh.. Not looking forward to cooking a bunch tomorrow in a rush like always.

I need a double oven.

In the meantime while I dream of that.. Gonna watch Dancing with the Stars then maybe do my floor and go to bed.. I'm tired too slept like SHIT last night!!! Took a nap.. but i'm still tired.. Ugh..

~Nicki

Desicions Decisions...

So.. this cycle didn't work.. Which goes to show me it doesn't matter HOW positive you are... Now me and Danny have a decison to make... Do a few more IUIs or Move onto IVF. After thinking so long that its gonna be the only thing that works for me.. The thought of it freaks me out.. Its a big process...requires alot of time... If I get preg My vacation time I wouldn't be able to use.. plus using my sick and personal for LOA to take off at transfer time. Its alot to think about.. hopefully we're on the road to better money. So we could have a few months worth of saving after having a munchkin.

We're looking into a company that my clinic works with to finance IVF.. its says everyones approved.. so we'll have to see about that and there is a refund garuntee program if you don't bring home a baby. You can purchase 1 (fresh, frozen),2 (2 fresh, 2 frozen), or 3(3 fresh, 3 frozen) IVfs. I think we would go for the 2 or 3?? Depends on the clinic tho which ones they offer..

I have SO many questions.. and don't even know where to start! How many would my RE transfere? Am I poor responder? Are my eggs worth it? It is worth it to us to do more IUIs? I need to call and make an appt for an IVF consult.. I need to find out their stats too..

One thing that really bugs me.. is we have one of the best IVF clinics in the country (CCRM) .. in the state I live in.. But as far as I know they do not do any financing options that i'm aware of... and I think its all the way in Denver. The sister clinic to my clinic I go to is in Auoura.

So.. thats whats going on in our neck of the woods.. We did say after 4 our 5 IUIs we'd move onto IVF. If we have a consult we probably wouldn't start cycling till February or March. I'm GOING to loost some weight..

IN other news.. SO READY for this year to be over.. I swear we've spent every month BROKE. So sick of doing advances on our bank, living pay check to pay check. My mom dropped of Bailey last night and left a check for watching him.. it was 300 dollars.. Way more than I expected. We're just gonna sit on it, cept for a few things we need form the store.. like Eggs hahah. Then hopefully after the new year we can start working on medical bills from RE.

The good stuff that happend this year was pretty minimal.. and the bad that happend well.. was just bad. I think the Chemical right before we left for our anniversary was the worst.. It just hasn't been our year. I'm ready to start fresh. I'm sure Danny is too. Please Lord let 2012 be our Year!

Also.. I need some reassurance.. which.. I don't know where to get.. I wish there was thing that told you the right and wrong decision! Oh well.. Dannys at training.. and I need to feed myself.. cause i'm hungry.. and maybe do some pinning.. Its only the best thing ever invented.

~Nicki

Slacker.

Yep thats me.. I've been slacking.. I'm blaming it on the weather.

Well the rest of the cycle went smooth sailing.. So to speak! I ended up with 1 maybe 2 follicles.. Biggest being around 17mm. On my left ovary non the less! It shocked us all! So I am in the dreaded Two week wait... I finally did't have a natural surge and actually got to trigger! Dannys numbers improved from 5.3 million to 20.5 mill this cycle :) We have discovered his boys don't recover that fast haha ( due to freak out of O'ing early last cycle we BD'd 2 days before IUI) This cycle we did the usual 3 days before IUI.

I keep saying everyday no matter how i'm feeling that day.. This cycle is going to work. We will have the best early christmas present ever! How's THAT for being positive?! Take that pessimistic mind :P

Anyways.. just working, not enjoying the time change.. its dark to early which makes it feel SO much later than it is! I do not like it.. We're expecting MORE snow tonight.. anywhere from 4-9 inches.. Wow. Colorado I didn't know you had it in you.

I'm addicted to Pinterest now.. Yeah *lol* Thank You Tiffany a fellow infertile :)! (We're both due for our bundles) I totally want to just get in the kitchen and cook all the recipies I just found today alone! Best thing ever! Oh and make that easy wreath I saw as a craft idea. Awesomeness!

Thats about it.. just plugging along.. not enjoying Endometrin any more than Crinone hahah Still just as messy and not fun!

Off to bed I think.. After a giant glass of water that will make sure i'm up 5 times to pee.. Thank you Trigger Shot!!

~Nicki