Ugh.. Just UGH

So I started metformin.. No real side effects.. besides gas.. and the ones NOT mentioned on the sheet.. I have excessive hunger for SWEET things and my blood sugar was all screwy for a few days.. That was not fun. The excessive hunger has not gone away.. OMG.. it is NOT helping the whole weight issue and is reflecting on the scale.. SOB.  Needless to say I am not a happy camper.. hope it doesn't last too long I'm up to 2 pills now, started tonight.. Have to get up to 3. Really hoping everything subsides after I'm on the 3 pills and used to it.

So... My co-workers think i'm pregnant...!?!?!?!?!? Just because i'm having these cravings.. for things like Fruity Pebbles and 8:45 at night.. does NOT mean i'm pregnant.. just freaking hungry for shit from this medicine!! Nor does my incessant hair loss mean i'm pregnant either!! I just had a period  on the 21st of December.. I'm in the middle of my freaking cycle!! I had a BLOOD TEST thats Said NOPE sorry your 16 grand for IVF didn't work.  Pretty fucking sure i'm not pregnant. I don't care if you have some form of  'pregnancy guswabba' that you know someone is preggo before they do.. Sorry after 4 1/2 years of this shit.. I don't buy it.  I seriously wanted to  SCREAM.

Which by the way.. this whole hair loss thing.. needs to like end. Like. Now. I have lost so much hair.. I goggled it and came up with some weird term for rapid loss of hair.. and did not like what I found.. I pray that this reverses and I get my hair back. I'm summing it up to stress, shock to my body from all the IVF meds.. and Birth Control.. anyone of these things can cause sudden loss of hair.. But its pretty scary seeing the difference in your hair.. Not being as thick.. falling out in more than 50 strands at a time. I can see a difference and feel it. I am so sad  :(. I'm praying that my blood test that I will get done soon.. as soon as AF shows up again, it will either reveal something.. if not and it doesn't slow down.. I'm calling a dermatologist.


Ugh.. End rant and sadness.. Off to bed before I eat the couch..

~Nicki

SO Overwhelmed!!!!

OMG.. The emotions I have been experiencing the past week have been nothing short of ridiculous. Happy, Upset, Stressed, Can't concentrate, just plain old completely OVERWHELMED.

I don't have any clue what my next step is.. we are for adoption, but I'm still a little reserved. But am willing to proceed.. I think it's because I'm not totally over having my own child. My whole thing is if we go thru with adoption.. can we still try?? Of course we can, but my brain thinks we can't.. so I need to get over it!

With the WTF fast approaching Monday, I have a slew of questions to ask.. some of which are probably not even worth asking.. But.. yeah. I want to know if we can go backwards!  Weird huh? We conceived on our first ever IUI with Femera.. If my problem is egg quality.. It helps.. cause you don't develop so fast as you do with injectables.  I'm also taking my CoQ10.. which the pills are GINORMOUS by the way. I'm going to order DH Fertility Blend for me, because well it can't hurt.  I don't know. I just want it to be here so I can get some answers!!!

My mom wants me to get a 2nd opinion.. while I would love one.. I have no where to go.. CCRM ( one of the leading clinics in the US) yeah I live where they are located...but they do not and will not accept my insurance. They will not even bill them. Even tho I have Diagnostic coverage! So Frustrating. That is the only place I would even think of going for a 2nd opinion. Because they are the next best thing next to a university clinic.. don't you think?  UGH.


Now That I have made my self get another tension headache.. I'm off to get ready for work and bang my head on a wall.

~Nicki

2 trees and a BFN

So.. we officially have had 2 trees this year. The first one I don't know what happened.. but it was crisp as a potato chip when Danny took it out. We watered it, cut off the bottom and it still died!  So Danny being the loving husband that he is.. went out the other day and got a new tree.. LOL its not the best but its alive :)

We started with this.

Beautiful Right?

We ended with this.

See how all the branches are flat?? And its really not.. well green??

Now we have this :)

Green and Happy even tho it looks like its missing a branch at the top LOL

So.. like the title says.. our First IVF failed..Me and Danny are pretty devestated.. but are trying to move on.. Just like my nurse Jodi said  we will have ups and downs. It sucks its was right before Christmas.. and Yesterday.. It did feel like the end of the world. I am  now thinking of all the possible testing and things we can do to move on as quickly as possible. Not cycle wise but life wise. It will be a long time before we cycle again. We will need 18,000 dollars to cycle again. Due to the added need for ICIS. One thing that is still getting to me.. which I will ask Dr. Murray, is why did we have that one Chemical with our first IUI.. is a natural pregnancy possible, Or with IUI??  I will schedule our WTF appt after Christmas.

   I do want to get tested for my Thyroid  maybe any other autoimmune issues.. because I feel that something is totally wrong other than having DOR. Maybe I do have PCOS.. I want to know.. I have been diagnosed, undiagnosed   and partially diagnosed.. Really annoying. I'm one of those people.. Unexplained is NOT an option for me!!! I have symptoms of lots of things.. even if I have to go to my regular Dr.. Who is pretty awesome too.. I will. 

   I do have in the back of my mind that we get healthy and if something is wrong and can be corrected with meds that we *might* conceive naturally.. which would be the best thing ever.. Or maybe even try a couple more IUIs. I will NOT be telling anyone we are trying again.. It was just way overwhelming.. I do appreciate all the prayers and thoughts.. but It was just too much with everyone asking.. and then they can say or do the wrong things.. Which.. well just makes it WORSE. Me and Danny will go at our own pace and keep to ourselves.

   I also want me and Danny to get healthy.. I want to try not to eat out as often and when we do eat better, because there are those weeks you just run and run, then you are never home for a meal. I want to try the stab at meal planning again LOL.  Trying new things.. maybe even doing partial gluten free? I need to read up on this and see what is and what isn't gluten free. Because I know for infertiles it can be good. I haven't lost anymore weight.. well because its the holidays and the goodies only come once a year ;)! I'm happy with that. I think my motivation finally showed up to get healthier and loose weight, specially my stomach.. I hate it.. So I see a lot of sit ups in my future!  

   I really Lucked out with my husband.. He is the best ever.. Does everything he can for me to make me happy.. even tho sometimes I don't deserve it.. Like getting 2 Christmas trees? Who does that?  He said he will do anything to make me happy and whatever we can to save and try again. I really do love him.. I couldn't find another man in the world like this. He is truly a gem. Danny did get spoiled this Christmas.. and with the giant Disney Store box that came in the mail a few weeks ago... So did I ;) 

Danny did say one thing.. We might go to Disney depending on Taxes.*Maybe* in July, Aug, Sept! I am totally NOT opposed to this :) I miss it.. and we need to get away just the 2 of us.. Maybe even see my sister and Niece and Nephew. So I will gladly save and look forward to that. As well as saving for future treatments :)

Disney World 2013?? Sure!! Why not!?

~Nicki

PS: Having the worst period ever.. OMG.. I took 2 Tylenol 3 with codeine last night and woke up feeling like a million bucks.. haven't had a sleep like that in a long time. It was lovely.   

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!