Just when you think...

Life is going smooth.. a wrench or two..or three..or four get thrown in for good measure! So let's see.. where are we umm April? The 3rd of February our house went under contract.. I went into a complete panic! We didn't have a house and we were both feeling conflicted about actually moving now and thought about taking the house off the market.. we apparently the lord had other plans! We accepted.. and got to looking.. looked at what seemed like every house. The house we chose isn't exactly the perfect house.. smaller really than what we had.. but omg the yard, and a garage.. and a DRIVEWAY! Yeah.. it needs some work.. but what doesn't? It had only been on the market 4 days.. I knew it wouldn't last.. the first house that we had originally thought of that was still available.. i'm glad we didn't pick it even for the size.. its just not where we wanted it! We decided to just go for it! Then the wait.. and packing began.. our house passed inspection and the new house did too.. The guy we dealt with who bought our home was really nice and let us stay a few extra days after they closed. I was really upset.. and at that point had really mixed feelings about the new house and moving..

That was wrench number one so to speak... here's wrench number two.. On February 9th... we got a call from Mick.. our certification worker wanting to know if we wanted to take the placement of a 4 1/2 month old little girl.. Uhhh....Well we gotta talk about this LOL I was floating either way.. it was danny having the issues committing.  Moving, baby yah know its a lot!? Well we talked about it and said what the hell. My schedule at work changed to where we could accommodate child care with Danny's mom. We were thinking of course that the good lord won't give us more than we can handle.. So little Miss S Came into the picture.. and she is such a good baby :) But i'm not gonna lie.. we thought.. what were we thinking.. We can't do this.. we're not meant to be parents.. we have no time to do anything.. you name it we probably thought it. Arguments galore.. stress... wanting to be at work.. and not at home.. Yeah.. it was rough.. Being a foster parent... and a first time parent are ummm lets say not a good combo!! We are finally getting into a routine.. Miss S is now 7 1/2 months old.. with 5 teeth and almost crawling!  She can be very demanding.. but we are learning to roll with the punches :)

So.. here's wrench number 4. February 24th...  I was only 4 days late for my period which isn't unusual.. was only on Cycle day 34.. but not having any symptoms of my period coming.. at all not one. So I finally broke down and had Danny go get me a test while I was at work and I would take it that night or in the morning.. It's one of those days I won't forget.. I didn't tell Danny I was taking it, it was like 8 at night, didn't think anything of it.. I literally about passed out when clear as day two lines appeared no faint.. two dark lines.. I walked out and handed it to  Danny and said I think i'm going to die. So lets move, have a foster baby and have  a baby!?  Yeah.. on the verge of loosing my mind after that one. I called my RE but since it was natural they wouldn't do a beta.. I'd have to get a normal OB.. So I called April the only person I could think of and let the cat out of the bag and asked for her OB number.. So began beta hell.. my first number sounded promising.. at 178.. then the worst vacation ever started. Lets just say.. I got a sinus infection that wouldn't quit and little Miss got sick too.. we were all at our wits end.. My symptoms started fading.. I just wanted to know if there was really a baby in there.. Waiting for my 2nd set of numbers to come in.. which they apparently send off to another state!? Due to the weather it was delayed 3 DAYS. I missed my RE where I would have numbers that afternoon or the next morning. My Numbers hadn't even doubled.. they went up to 280 something? So that Sunday since I wasn't feeling better and about to go back to work, we went to the ER.. Where they did a beta and had results in less than 40 min... and they did an ultrasound.. Where I'm pretty sure it was just an empty sack. My beta had gone down so I knew the miscarriage was on the way.. it took about a week for my body to realize that it wasn't pregnant anymore..

We moved March 16th.. and are still getting settled.. we have a new kitchen already almost finished anyways just need toe kicks and countertops.. A lot has happened since we got Sofia.. its all too much to write about.. maybe one day i'll get caught up. Lots of ups and downs but we're making it work and getting better. But i'm tired and need to go to bed taking care of a busy girl and a new house and working full time is a lot of work!

If your still out there We're alive and kicking in the blogosphere :). Maybe an update on little Miss S Soon when I get some more free time!

~Nicki

Never enough...

Time in  a month, week, year to accomplish what you want too! Sorry for the Hiatus.. kinda needed. We have been trying to keep busy, i'll try to recap everything that has happened since September...!

I seriously cannot believe it is December.. After Disney, where we had a blast with my family!!! Getting to spend time with my brother, sister and her family plus my mom and dad was a blast! It had  been too long, I wanna go back now.. but it will be a few years till our next visit! Of course..my period showed up.. and I forgot to pack enough necessary items.. I will say.. tampax.. in cardboard applicators.. OMG Worst ever. Travel on the way back was a disaster.. Almost like our trip down on our honeymoon stuck  for 10 hours in  Dallas.. Only this time.. We never left Orlando.. Because that was the day someone caught the air traffic control center on fire in Chicago.
   We had boarded the plane, luggage and ALL. Only to be told to deboard as well as our luggage.. and go to the help desk to try and get another flight..no one is going thru Chicago.. AWESOME. That took about and hour.. only our lady didn't pay attention and our next flight plane was coming FROM Chicago.. Delay number 1,2,3 and 4. We were supposed to leave Orlando at 8 am.. we had been up since 4:45am? We left Orlando around 4:30pm, yeah for real. We miss BOTH the connecting flights  she gave us.. the last seriously by 5 MINUETS. We were put on a standby flight to Denver... Mind that our car is in Colorado Springs..that plane was to leave at 9pm.. we prayed that we would get on. Thank god we did.. Danny's mom came and got us in Denver.. drove us to Springs airport and we got our car and drove home.. Got home at 2am. Ugh.. Then got up the next day and got our luggage in springs lol.

   October just kinda flew by.. Danny's grandmother passed away.. that took all of October.. hardly ever home. Had a serious Indian summer... its still going.. Been in the 60s :( ! We had a potential placement... it fell thru. We started attending a church and we love it! We go to life group on Tuesdays  and just enjoy it very much :) its so nice to have support and someone to go to when we need some help with anything! I had my pap.. and then talked about anxiety.. and started some medicine for that.. cause I had enough.. thankfully its a low dose and not an antidepressant. So far so good, of course some anxiety is still there, but it's so much better!  That about sums up October, very BLAH and Drama filled to say the least.

November.. My brother came for Thanksgiving. which was wonderful :) our visit wasn't long enough :(. He deploys again in January for his 3rd deployment over seas.  Work was crazy busy and exhausting...We got a call for a placement.. a new born and a 4 year old.. Yeah... We said yes.. and then it just was NOT going to work.. She was terrified of Rocky.. Sorry they are my babies too... I am not the type of person to shove them outside or leave them in a kennel all day.. Because she's fine when he is in there.. Nope sorry.. ( she had been bit by a dog and his exciting nature scared her to the point of screaming tears and running from him) She was A OK with Wrangler.. cause he's old and gentle.. Rocky is 2 1/2 years old full of puppy. Also.. my anxiety went thru the roof.. like physically ill anxiety.. NO sleep at all that night.. for the fact I don't know how to parent a 4 year old.. Infant.. I can learn with them, 4 yr old's already have some sort of routine and language barriers.. Ugh. Yeah we were a mess. This brought up a host of problems that me and danny are trying to work thru!  The lord said they were not to be our kiddos... Back to square one. Not much else but running errands and all the normal things.. don't think we had but two days at home that month LOL

And then BAM December.. Wait what!?!  Yeah holy moly.. Christmas shopping will be done  Tuesday... and then I need to start baking my goodies.. cause um year i'm gonna loose my mind LOL The month is quickly passing.. We will get our tree Tuesday too lol We just got decorated... I don't know where this year has gone.  Gotta get packages in  the mail.. and I don't think were doing Christmas cards again this year.. But that isn't the end of the world.. Although it seems like it sometimes! We will survive.. If only I could find a company that will print address on the envelopes LOL!

That's all for now! Off to go order furbabies Christmas presents...!

~Nicki

Some 'soul' Searching...

I think is in order.. Not sure where this road called life is taking me right now..But its been pretty difficult to say the least. It just seems some people I considered as friends .. good friends once we've just drifted apart.. People get married have kids and life goes on.. You only get stuck with a few good ones throughout your life.

  I posted a post on facebook last night
 I always feel like I try to hard at friendships...and you shouldn't have to. You should always pick up where you left off as if you haven't spoken in 20 years. I only have a few friends like this.... you know who you are. ♥
 On of the people I figured would like or comment on the post.. Didn't.. Granted I probably made her mad in an early text but still.. Its never been an issue till recently. Make me wonder if i'm even still considered a friend.. even tho I'm her son's Godmother... Which I don't think means what it should to her. A godmother should have a special bond with her godson.. Which I don't have. Her other friend is more of a godmother than me. Yeah I may not have to time to spend time with him every weekend but.. I sure try... Living over 2 hours apart and only 2 days a week off in the time I have to get things done around the house and might have some time to spend with my husband.. I hardly get to ever see Kayla because.. well we are adults now and work and have personal lives.. Its easier to see friends when they live close.. put distance in that factor and it becomes hard. I hardly even get to see my parents on a monthly basis.. heck i'm lucky to see them every 3 months!!

I've heard from someone that I don't try to spend time with them.. That is not the case.. just like her we have a money budget as well and can't go everywhere we would like when we want.. Maybe sometimes it would be nice if people would come see us? We can do things.. there are lots of outdoor things to do here that would be awesome for a kid to learn about, heck they might even go home tired!  But I guess i'll just keep doing what i'm doing and keep getting talked about behind me back.. at how horrible of a friend I am.

Also.. I'm not scared to be around other peoples kids.. Sure It might hurt a little bit..but if I can enrich a kids life and make them feel loved by someone other than their mommy and daddy I feel pretty good.. It gives me hope that one day I might be a mom.. Plus hearing that I will make a good mommy one day.. makes me feel pretty darn good. Just because  i'm infertile doesn't mean I don't  like kids.. I love and adore kids.. it pains me to see kids getting mistreated, sure pregnant belly's make my heart hurt.. but I love squishing munchkins cheeks and giving baby kisses and tickles. So don't assume I don't like being around kids.. It helps me learn what not to do as a mommy and what to do to succeed.

So I think I need to figure out where i'm at in life.. I sure don't like to get drunk all the time anymore every once in a while a few drinks is nice.. but not all the time. I love to go shopping with girl friends.. make my home look and smell pretty :) I love doing crafts, try new recipes and make my husband happy.We are more than happy to go to a friends house and eat some dinner and watch some television :) thats our idea of a good time nowadays LOL.!! We are constantly working to make our relationship better everyday. Some days are of course worse than others.. where you're just not sure what you want out of life but then you realize you have everything you could ever want and need (minus a baby in our case). I take back all I said to Danny yesterday.. after I realized I am happy.. I just have sad moments where life just comes to a head and I can't take it anymore I focus on all the bad thins that make my life seem miserable.

I have 2 wonderful doggies and 3 wonderful kitties ( I still can't stop thinking about that kitten) and a husband who love me for who I am and that's all that matters

~Nicki

Day 20 and 21

 Day 20 - Discuss how you found your way into the ALI ( Adoption, Loss and Infertility) community, and what being part of it has meant to you – good and bad.
   I wandered into this community in August of 2008, after only 4 months of trying. Growing up I just had that womanly intuition, I call it, that I would have trouble trying to conceive. The good: Low and Behold in October 2009 we went to our first OB where I got the diagnosis that I had PCOS ( Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome). I went home and googled like crazy and stumbled upon my 2nd home, Fertility Community . The ladies on there have helped me through so much, knowing that there are other couples out their experiencing what we are going through  helps me more than just having a diagnosis. Which by the way is PCOS and DOR (Diminished Ovarian Reserve) OR you could say, I came across this early today.. Not so farm fresh eggs hahah!   The Bad: Being apart of other couples lives who are enduring the pain of ALI, what hurts is the ones who get the joy of becoming parents before some other ladies.. like in my case we're still waiting for our turn and hope that it will come soon.


 Day 21 - If you had gotten pregnant that first month you started trying, how would you have been a different parent? What changes have you made to your parenting style (either current or future) in the time you spent trying to conceive?
       Well.. considering I don't have a kid.. I can't really change parenting styles? I don't have a parenting style so to speak.. But when we do have kids i'm sure we will have our issues on which way is better.. All I know is that if I have a daughter, I will tell her everyday how beautiful she is, I will never tell her she needs to loose weight.. Plain and simple. My mother does tell me i'm beautiful... but on the other side.. I am heavier and always tells me I need to loose weight.
    One thing my parents did with me and my brother I will follow when I have kids. I never had a curfew. As long as my parents knew where we were and we checked in, they never asked or said a time. (Now granted when Dating Danny the 4 am time wasn't something my mom liked) Hahah but other times I had enough common sense to come home at a reasonable hour.
  Since it has taken it so long to conceive... I feel like I will win the mother of the year award *lmao* because I see what NOT to do with kids.. and learn from people who have some awesome kids.. and get their secrets ;)  Also.. Working in retail helps.. Like.. Don't give your kids something to hold and then take it away from them because.. Oh wait we aren't buy it.. Bring your own crap. Or take the UPC off if your buying it.. then you won't have and upset child.
  I do hear alot i'm going to be a great mother.. Well Can I get my turn then??  I think I will be too.. I'm ready to put my knowledge to the test. Even tho I may not be the best diaper and clothes changer, I'm BEYOND ready and so is Danny.