Can I go hide in a hole??

So since we got back everything has just gone down hill.. Danny works for Department of Justice.. which is part of the federal government.. So that means NO paycheck for us! Which really blows.. it comes at a rough time of year... we're just scraping by.. and then this whole baby boom..is just depressing. I just can't handle this anymore...

I'm over trying for a baby.. last month we had sex alot even on my fertile days and NOTHING... It just SUCKS.  Everyone else is getting pregnant and moving on and having more babies.. Just found or April is preggers with number 2.

This road just seems like its getting harder and harder, and uphill climb and were no where near the end.  We can't even start trying again because of the no money thing.. nothing in savings.. bad shape.. and its only going to get worse before it gets better. I just can't put it into words how frustrated I am and how I hurt..

I hurt all the time.. every time I see a baby and just wish I could have just one.. and give it my unconditional love.. I want to adopt so bad but we have no money to do that either..  I wish something would happen for the good.. we have been ready to be parents for over 5 years.. and in that 5 years we have barely had a glimmer of hope.. 1 positive pregnancy test and 1 miscarriage all in the same week.. I honestly don't know what we have done to deserve this.. I just wish I knew so we could change it..


~Nicki

Busy Busy.

That is what we are going to be this summer. In ordered to even let a social worker in my home for a home study.. I need to have my home presentable LOL. It is far from that in my mind.

So.. we have a huge list of a bunch of little things to get done before we move ahead! But we will get there eventually!!

-Finish the master bathroom, it needs ceiling paint. baseboards, and to spackle the wall the old cabinet came out of and trim around the new one.

- Finish the spare bathroom, it needs paint, new trim around tub, floor, new towel rods etc, and secure the new vanity.. oh and put the toilet back on LOL and get new color scheme in towels, shower curtain etc.

- Paint the door trims, I think this will be our first project as we have everything.. but the weather needs to be nice to have the windows open!!

- Paint the Kitchen cabinets, need paint and hinges as we already have the door and drawer pulls. This will be sooo time consuming but I hope and pray it will look awesome in the end!

- Redo the front porch.. some of the board are rotting.. so this will be a slow one. we will get a few boards at a time and go from there.

- Make a back patio.. my mom has a stone template that we will pour self leveling concrete in them to make it flat so my patio furniture will sit flat :) a few bags at a time.. it will get done!

-Make grass grow.. LOL

- Make a raised flower bed in front of the new porch.

- Fix/ or get new trim around the windows and around the base of the house. Its starting to show its age.

- Get new carpet. Hoping we get just a bit of extra on our loan *praying hard we get what we need* to get this done.

-We are also looking it to getting a 'garage' to store dannys tools and an area of storage for me because if we're going to stay here.. we're going to need it!

I think thats about it.. of course still trying to save for Disney.. its been a rough few months money wise.. Hoping thats over! On word! We will get there, slow but sure!!

~Nicki

Hmm..

Today is Danny's 29th birthday! LOL we're getting old around here! I found several gray hairs on my head.. EEK! They will promptly get plucked.. I refuse to dye my hair lol cause I like my hair color!


So I think me and Danny have finally decided to do adoption.. We are either going to do a home equity loan or a home equity line of credit. It just feels right.. I am happy with this home.. just wish it was a little bigger but for a family of 3 it will be just fine for now! We can add on or something LOL! Just need to fix up a few things before we take that leap.. IE finish my cabinets , bathroom and redo the porch. Those are the major things and then of course.. always need a fresh coat of paint! I REALLY would like new carpet.. but we will see LOL. Someone throw  a HUGE deal on it please!!!

Anyways.. Danny asked me about IVF.. I said I want to do it again.. but right now I just want a baby in my arms.. and adoption is a guarantee. Somewhere down the road, if it doesn't happen naturally we will do IVF again. Adoption just feels right.. and I know we will not have any problem or any one in my family for that matter, Spoiling that baby to death and loving it with all our hearts!! I just want to share the love and everything else my heart is aching to share with another little human being that needs to be nurtured, loved and taught!


That is where we are right now and feel pretty good about it right now. It just feels right.   Almost like I'm being called to start my family this way first. So now we just have to get our duckies in a row and get everything straightened out around the house so it looks presentable LOL then send in the application and get approved for what ever amount they will give us :) of course we have to find the right bank with the right rate LOL. Its not going to happen super fast I will say that! We have our trip coming up in September so around there is when we will get everything going *hopefully* because we don't want to get a call before our trip saying come get your baby! We were told by the guy we talked to that we would probably get picked fast because of our age, I can only hope! But I do know it takes a while to get everything together and approved so I will gladly wait any amount of time!

~Nicki

SO Overwhelmed!!!!

OMG.. The emotions I have been experiencing the past week have been nothing short of ridiculous. Happy, Upset, Stressed, Can't concentrate, just plain old completely OVERWHELMED.

I don't have any clue what my next step is.. we are for adoption, but I'm still a little reserved. But am willing to proceed.. I think it's because I'm not totally over having my own child. My whole thing is if we go thru with adoption.. can we still try?? Of course we can, but my brain thinks we can't.. so I need to get over it!

With the WTF fast approaching Monday, I have a slew of questions to ask.. some of which are probably not even worth asking.. But.. yeah. I want to know if we can go backwards!  Weird huh? We conceived on our first ever IUI with Femera.. If my problem is egg quality.. It helps.. cause you don't develop so fast as you do with injectables.  I'm also taking my CoQ10.. which the pills are GINORMOUS by the way. I'm going to order DH Fertility Blend for me, because well it can't hurt.  I don't know. I just want it to be here so I can get some answers!!!

My mom wants me to get a 2nd opinion.. while I would love one.. I have no where to go.. CCRM ( one of the leading clinics in the US) yeah I live where they are located...but they do not and will not accept my insurance. They will not even bill them. Even tho I have Diagnostic coverage! So Frustrating. That is the only place I would even think of going for a 2nd opinion. Because they are the next best thing next to a university clinic.. don't you think?  UGH.


Now That I have made my self get another tension headache.. I'm off to get ready for work and bang my head on a wall.

~Nicki