Just when you think...

Life is going smooth.. a wrench or two..or three..or four get thrown in for good measure! So let's see.. where are we umm April? The 3rd of February our house went under contract.. I went into a complete panic! We didn't have a house and we were both feeling conflicted about actually moving now and thought about taking the house off the market.. we apparently the lord had other plans! We accepted.. and got to looking.. looked at what seemed like every house. The house we chose isn't exactly the perfect house.. smaller really than what we had.. but omg the yard, and a garage.. and a DRIVEWAY! Yeah.. it needs some work.. but what doesn't? It had only been on the market 4 days.. I knew it wouldn't last.. the first house that we had originally thought of that was still available.. i'm glad we didn't pick it even for the size.. its just not where we wanted it! We decided to just go for it! Then the wait.. and packing began.. our house passed inspection and the new house did too.. The guy we dealt with who bought our home was really nice and let us stay a few extra days after they closed. I was really upset.. and at that point had really mixed feelings about the new house and moving..

That was wrench number one so to speak... here's wrench number two.. On February 9th... we got a call from Mick.. our certification worker wanting to know if we wanted to take the placement of a 4 1/2 month old little girl.. Uhhh....Well we gotta talk about this LOL I was floating either way.. it was danny having the issues committing.  Moving, baby yah know its a lot!? Well we talked about it and said what the hell. My schedule at work changed to where we could accommodate child care with Danny's mom. We were thinking of course that the good lord won't give us more than we can handle.. So little Miss S Came into the picture.. and she is such a good baby :) But i'm not gonna lie.. we thought.. what were we thinking.. We can't do this.. we're not meant to be parents.. we have no time to do anything.. you name it we probably thought it. Arguments galore.. stress... wanting to be at work.. and not at home.. Yeah.. it was rough.. Being a foster parent... and a first time parent are ummm lets say not a good combo!! We are finally getting into a routine.. Miss S is now 7 1/2 months old.. with 5 teeth and almost crawling!  She can be very demanding.. but we are learning to roll with the punches :)

So.. here's wrench number 4. February 24th...  I was only 4 days late for my period which isn't unusual.. was only on Cycle day 34.. but not having any symptoms of my period coming.. at all not one. So I finally broke down and had Danny go get me a test while I was at work and I would take it that night or in the morning.. It's one of those days I won't forget.. I didn't tell Danny I was taking it, it was like 8 at night, didn't think anything of it.. I literally about passed out when clear as day two lines appeared no faint.. two dark lines.. I walked out and handed it to  Danny and said I think i'm going to die. So lets move, have a foster baby and have  a baby!?  Yeah.. on the verge of loosing my mind after that one. I called my RE but since it was natural they wouldn't do a beta.. I'd have to get a normal OB.. So I called April the only person I could think of and let the cat out of the bag and asked for her OB number.. So began beta hell.. my first number sounded promising.. at 178.. then the worst vacation ever started. Lets just say.. I got a sinus infection that wouldn't quit and little Miss got sick too.. we were all at our wits end.. My symptoms started fading.. I just wanted to know if there was really a baby in there.. Waiting for my 2nd set of numbers to come in.. which they apparently send off to another state!? Due to the weather it was delayed 3 DAYS. I missed my RE where I would have numbers that afternoon or the next morning. My Numbers hadn't even doubled.. they went up to 280 something? So that Sunday since I wasn't feeling better and about to go back to work, we went to the ER.. Where they did a beta and had results in less than 40 min... and they did an ultrasound.. Where I'm pretty sure it was just an empty sack. My beta had gone down so I knew the miscarriage was on the way.. it took about a week for my body to realize that it wasn't pregnant anymore..

We moved March 16th.. and are still getting settled.. we have a new kitchen already almost finished anyways just need toe kicks and countertops.. A lot has happened since we got Sofia.. its all too much to write about.. maybe one day i'll get caught up. Lots of ups and downs but we're making it work and getting better. But i'm tired and need to go to bed taking care of a busy girl and a new house and working full time is a lot of work!

If your still out there We're alive and kicking in the blogosphere :). Maybe an update on little Miss S Soon when I get some more free time!

~Nicki

Never enough...

Time in  a month, week, year to accomplish what you want too! Sorry for the Hiatus.. kinda needed. We have been trying to keep busy, i'll try to recap everything that has happened since September...!

I seriously cannot believe it is December.. After Disney, where we had a blast with my family!!! Getting to spend time with my brother, sister and her family plus my mom and dad was a blast! It had  been too long, I wanna go back now.. but it will be a few years till our next visit! Of course..my period showed up.. and I forgot to pack enough necessary items.. I will say.. tampax.. in cardboard applicators.. OMG Worst ever. Travel on the way back was a disaster.. Almost like our trip down on our honeymoon stuck  for 10 hours in  Dallas.. Only this time.. We never left Orlando.. Because that was the day someone caught the air traffic control center on fire in Chicago.
   We had boarded the plane, luggage and ALL. Only to be told to deboard as well as our luggage.. and go to the help desk to try and get another flight..no one is going thru Chicago.. AWESOME. That took about and hour.. only our lady didn't pay attention and our next flight plane was coming FROM Chicago.. Delay number 1,2,3 and 4. We were supposed to leave Orlando at 8 am.. we had been up since 4:45am? We left Orlando around 4:30pm, yeah for real. We miss BOTH the connecting flights  she gave us.. the last seriously by 5 MINUETS. We were put on a standby flight to Denver... Mind that our car is in Colorado Springs..that plane was to leave at 9pm.. we prayed that we would get on. Thank god we did.. Danny's mom came and got us in Denver.. drove us to Springs airport and we got our car and drove home.. Got home at 2am. Ugh.. Then got up the next day and got our luggage in springs lol.

   October just kinda flew by.. Danny's grandmother passed away.. that took all of October.. hardly ever home. Had a serious Indian summer... its still going.. Been in the 60s :( ! We had a potential placement... it fell thru. We started attending a church and we love it! We go to life group on Tuesdays  and just enjoy it very much :) its so nice to have support and someone to go to when we need some help with anything! I had my pap.. and then talked about anxiety.. and started some medicine for that.. cause I had enough.. thankfully its a low dose and not an antidepressant. So far so good, of course some anxiety is still there, but it's so much better!  That about sums up October, very BLAH and Drama filled to say the least.

November.. My brother came for Thanksgiving. which was wonderful :) our visit wasn't long enough :(. He deploys again in January for his 3rd deployment over seas.  Work was crazy busy and exhausting...We got a call for a placement.. a new born and a 4 year old.. Yeah... We said yes.. and then it just was NOT going to work.. She was terrified of Rocky.. Sorry they are my babies too... I am not the type of person to shove them outside or leave them in a kennel all day.. Because she's fine when he is in there.. Nope sorry.. ( she had been bit by a dog and his exciting nature scared her to the point of screaming tears and running from him) She was A OK with Wrangler.. cause he's old and gentle.. Rocky is 2 1/2 years old full of puppy. Also.. my anxiety went thru the roof.. like physically ill anxiety.. NO sleep at all that night.. for the fact I don't know how to parent a 4 year old.. Infant.. I can learn with them, 4 yr old's already have some sort of routine and language barriers.. Ugh. Yeah we were a mess. This brought up a host of problems that me and danny are trying to work thru!  The lord said they were not to be our kiddos... Back to square one. Not much else but running errands and all the normal things.. don't think we had but two days at home that month LOL

And then BAM December.. Wait what!?!  Yeah holy moly.. Christmas shopping will be done  Tuesday... and then I need to start baking my goodies.. cause um year i'm gonna loose my mind LOL The month is quickly passing.. We will get our tree Tuesday too lol We just got decorated... I don't know where this year has gone.  Gotta get packages in  the mail.. and I don't think were doing Christmas cards again this year.. But that isn't the end of the world.. Although it seems like it sometimes! We will survive.. If only I could find a company that will print address on the envelopes LOL!

That's all for now! Off to go order furbabies Christmas presents...!

~Nicki

Official.

We are finally licensed foster parents in the State of Colorado! Only took forever!! So excited and nervous.. we will hopefully get a placement after coming back from vacation :) or it could take another few months.. all depends on what situations arise!!

I am quite frankly going bonkers.. Work tomorrow and then we're off and i'm super grouchy.. Aunt Flo is bound to show up any day.. Hows that for vacation!!?!?  UGH. oh well.. such is life.. I just want to go!  Right now.. Its bed for me because i'm so tired.

~Nicki

PS:I have lots to say but no brain function to do so.. an update blog soon I hope!

A rough go...

Lately I have been struggling with infertility lately.. its really biting at me to start trying again. We just never have the stupid money to try.. I'm thinking of switching insurance.. to see if there is better coverage out there. I also want a second opinion.. I really love my RE and the nurse staff.. they are so nice.. its been over a year since we did any sort of treatment.. we did one IUI after the failed IVF. It was of course a no go.. and then we just stopped.. we haven't even TRIED to get preggo.. and still nada.

We are just almost a week away from out 7 year anniversary.. It seems soo crazy that we have been married almost 7 years.. it seems like we are in a rut.. its been just us 2 for 8 years... we have gained one furbaby that hasn't been with us since we have been together.. all of my other animals are 7 or older.. I really want to share the feeling of family with him.. our own little family. After finishing the nursery all I can think about is how I want no one else but our baby in that nursery.. I'm sure I will feel differently when we get a placement.. if that ever happens. But right now.. with it empty that is how I feel.

I'm feeling lost.. I don't know what direction to go... do I get a second opinion now.. or just wait and let my ovaries get older and unused?? I want nothing more that to carry just ONE child.. Just one. Its all I want and nothing more.. I guess its too much to ask of anyone..

I really feel that something is wrong.. and which is why I feel strongly about a 2nd opinion.. Maybe I just need to go for it?? I'm loosing hair again.. not as bad but its noticeable.. I'm all of a sudden having a psoriasis break out, totally out of the blue they just started appearing.

The house hunt is no where near over.. we've had 3 people look at it.. no offers.. we have one tomorrow.. we think we have found our house.. but the bedroom size is the only thing that bugs me, everything else is perfect. Of Course. It is not on the market our realtor works with a couple of investors and one bought that house.. so he would fix what we wanted fix new carpet, paint etc. and of course what we want done.. and in our budget.. Both have been out of town and we haven't heard anything yet.. maybe tomorrow. I guess I should go clean for tomorrow and catch up on some shows!

~Nicki

Working on my tan....

So to speak.. Today was weeding day  out in the garden.. Didn't get the front ones done but hey tomorrow is another day.. A lot has happened since my last post.. its been crazy.


We should be done with our training by now.. but um we kinda hit a speed bump. We put our house on the market. Yeah.. Basically we had been toying with the idea forever but nothing was moving.. and all of a sudden.. BAM House market starts moving.. so the ball went rolling! We had several projects to finish and declutter the house... omg I was having panic attacks and stress out the wazoo, So much so that my hair started falling out again :/ Such is life.

 I feel like we do everything backwards.. Now everyone is asking WHY we put it on the market.. Don't get me wrong I LOVE our house.. But its just to small there is no extra space for storage because we don't have a garage.. only the shed. If it comes down to it we will stay here and pay off our 2nd and then refi and put a garage in. It was a now or never kinda thing. So we just did it. If  it sells it sells if it doesn't its just meant we are supposed to be here longer! Plus I got a finished nursery out of it :).
   We put it on the market at the first of June.. and haven't had one single one single person look at it. Kinda disheartening... But I guess time will tell..

We are very close to starting the home study process.. our certification worker wants us certified by the end of next month.. We literally have to initial some packets and get our physicals turned in and then we can start... Honestly i'm scared to death.. I hardly have anything we need, toys, clothes and im sure a bunch of other little things!! Yeah.. ensue more panic there. I know everything will come together its just a matter of time. I'm worried about things like child care and how that will all come together.. me and Danny are hardly ever gonna see each other because of different days off so we can cover child care.. Ugh.. I guess this is normal for parents?

I just have to keep saying to myself.. this is the path that we are meant to go on, when the path changes is only up to the lord :).

Thats whats been up in our neck of the woods.. Crazy.. work and life is a crazy journey.. and we are learning more everyday to say the least! I'm dealing with a super annoying immature co worker lately.. OMG whole 'nother subject there!  To say the least i'm always sure there is more to put in the post but I can't think of any LOL but this should bring you up to speed :)

~Nicki

PS: 35 days till vacation in July and 96 days to  Disney World!

Yes I'm alive...

Just very busy with this thing we call life!


~Still doing training for Foster.. is only took them forever to get it to us and get everything situated... omg.. They were 'changing' things at the department.. thanks for the heads up.. guess its a taste of things to come.

~Doing CPR class this next wed.. Woo?

~Still getting crap done around house.. talked to a realtor..about maybe selling.. its still up in the air.. but doesn't look feesable .. We have out grown this house.. I have literally gone thru all of my belongings and everything I have.. I want to keep.. We need a garage hands down. But we're broke go figure.

~Have everything for the nursery just need to put it together.. Wishing it was for our own... Feeling pretty upset about that lately but I guess its normal..

~Wishing I could be doing treatments.. maybe soon?

~We literally spent all weekend outside.. it was beautiful.. PS: Grass in garden beds suckkkssss.

~Garden is planted and flower beds look pretty! Tree is trimmed lol.. Junk mostly hauled off!

~Disney in 138 days or so!  So busy.. life is defiantly getting in the way of all things :)


~Nicki

PS: Pretty sure i've missed a bunch! Hope a real update soon!!

Can I go hide in a hole??

So since we got back everything has just gone down hill.. Danny works for Department of Justice.. which is part of the federal government.. So that means NO paycheck for us! Which really blows.. it comes at a rough time of year... we're just scraping by.. and then this whole baby boom..is just depressing. I just can't handle this anymore...

I'm over trying for a baby.. last month we had sex alot even on my fertile days and NOTHING... It just SUCKS.  Everyone else is getting pregnant and moving on and having more babies.. Just found or April is preggers with number 2.

This road just seems like its getting harder and harder, and uphill climb and were no where near the end.  We can't even start trying again because of the no money thing.. nothing in savings.. bad shape.. and its only going to get worse before it gets better. I just can't put it into words how frustrated I am and how I hurt..

I hurt all the time.. every time I see a baby and just wish I could have just one.. and give it my unconditional love.. I want to adopt so bad but we have no money to do that either..  I wish something would happen for the good.. we have been ready to be parents for over 5 years.. and in that 5 years we have barely had a glimmer of hope.. 1 positive pregnancy test and 1 miscarriage all in the same week.. I honestly don't know what we have done to deserve this.. I just wish I knew so we could change it..


~Nicki

I guess I could update this thing!

Sorry for the lack of updates.. been busy around here working and not seeing my husband.. which is really starting to take its toll.. we are at each others throats lately and I do not like it :( not to mention the 'spark' has kinda gone away... We're gonna try and work on it... but its hard when we hardly see each other except when we are sleeping or saying Hi and Bye. We really need to get away.. September cannot get here fast enough.. I'm at the burnt out stage at work.. I need a break. Like NOW. Before the craziness of the Holidays get here.

Carpet goes in tomorrow!!!  As things go back in place we are going to rearrange and purge.. I have so much stuff.. like alot. Especially clothes! Holy moly the clothes! I just need to let go.. alot is outdated.. at least for my age.. Most is from HS which next year will be 10 YEARS. OMG *die*  Plus we are going to move the cats room into the spare bed room and then just rearrange furniture in between rooms and such. So.. if we ever have kids... its not covered in hair, smelly and and barfy lol!  I do have rugs for the cats room and under my dining table.  They are indoor/ outdoor but I got them at half off  ;) so 60 bucks for TWO rugs instead of 1 is awesome. I've been good with that this year!!

I want a child so bad.. I'm just not sure its going to happen... At least not at this point in my life. I really want to have another Lap done and then go from there but I just don't know. I hope after everything gets finished which in all reality its just little things now.. one big thing left is the cabinets. ( I would love new ones) we will finally have a plan.. that will get going soon. Its just depressing to think about right now. One thing that pisses me off is all these girls here just have babies.. It so frustrating. One at work just got married and like was preggo before it even happened and one girl is throwing her an 'emergency baby shower ' Because he has like nothing and is due in 5 weeks.. WEEKS. She said oh I don't know if I want the baby.. Um girl you go married if you didn't want it you know how to prevent it. She doesn't even have a crib or anything for it to sleep in.. all she does is bitch about how hot it is and eats nothing but crap. UGH.. Makes me SO mad!

I think i'm done for now.. gotta finish laundry, mother in law and her friend are coming over to help up rip up the rest of the old carpet.. which by the way.. Never think you vacuum gets all the dust/dirt.. OMG there was an insane amount of dust/ dirt under my carpet I could have died....


~Nicki

Rough times...

Just wanted to let you all know who ever reads this :) I'm still here.. Most of Feb and March have been rough. This whole baby thing has gotten me really depressed and angry.. as well as my weight.. I'm stuck and cannot get out of the mud.

My mom gave me  a week worth of Nutrisystem Sucess.. So we will see how that goes and I might order a month worth myself.. So far the food actually isn't bad! The Chocolate Chocolate chip muffin I had for breakfast was pretty darn tasty. I had my first egg since November (when I was stimming) and cross your fingers so far so good.

Its been pretty hectic around here.. redoing another bath, trying to keep my house..from um falling to shambles.. right now it looks like dog hair, paper and clothes explosion. Don't judge. Depression makes you not wanna do squat.

Got outta the house yesterday and drove to Nebraska LOL went to Cabelas and spent money.. that we actually had it was pretty awesome LOL. We went with Mike and April :) Pretty good day.

We went from no money 8 days ago for Disney to almost 200!  Pretty sweet :) also got our tickets and meal plan yay!

I cannot wait for the warmer weather so I can start sprucing up my yard and flowerbeds. Its supposed to be 77 on Friday..

I have way more to say but am out of time! Hope to update SOON when I find some motivation and time!

~Nicki

Sometimes.. It just makes it all better.

Jason Aldean that is. I have CMT Crossroads with him and Bryan Adams recorded and when he sings 'Heaven'  acoustically it makes me cry and makes everything melt away. For a little while anyways.

It was a rough weekend... Honestly I don't even remember what we did on Sunday.. Or wait..we tore up our OTHER bathroom floor!! I seriously wanted to cry and yesterday I had just had enough. That stupid clog caused us an unnecessary problem.. if  we would have just rented a freaking snake in the first place we wouldn't have had this problem.. or maybe we would have?? The wax ring was like.. done like there wasn't even one there.. Every time I did dishes, ran the dishwasher or laundry it backed up into the spare tub and apparently out of the bottom of the toilet.. Yeah. I noticed the floor starting to bow and tiles cracking.. YAY.

Not cool.. It smelled SOOO musty and horrible. I finally had it.. I needed to do laundry and dishes piling up everywhere, had to be to work @ 4 am today, I told Danny to call plumbers there it was at 4pm.. Mike.. thank god he used to be a plumber. Told us.. well Danny how to cut the wood around the toilet flange so we wouldn't have to get a new one and said.. just rent a snake.. well DUH. The shit you always forget you can do.. With in the next hour the clog was gone. All was right in the world.. well sort of..

Now.. I love my husband.. but dear lord this man cannot cut a straight line to save his soul. The patch job on the sub floor.. needs to be RECUT and REDONE.. Or we will have more problems.. because nothing its supported.. on the main part of the floor.. Oh lord. I was a bad wife.. and said how horrible it looked. Now he feels horrible.. this is why he was made a mechanic. I however.. grew up with a father who did EVERYTHING.. So Danny thinks i have this perfectionist mind that everything has to look and be like everything my dad does or did. No. Not true. I was just the girl who always watched what he did and helped. My brother on the other hand.. lived in front of a screen playing games. I'm better with a saw than he is.. Hammers no so much ( I have Horrible aim).. Drills yay!


So.. yeah.. thats it in the world of the home.. Being a homeowner sucks.

On the umm..baby front?? My BBT was all out of whack.. I just quit. My temp dropped and rose 3 times! Then dropped as if my period was going to come and it never did. Been crampy on and off she's due sometime next week. So who knows anymore.. I'm about to throw it all out the window.. I'm totally at a standstill with my weight no idea whats going on.. I'm sure the I NEED SWEETS NOW week last week I had didn't help. I'm just SO frustrated anymore.. nothing ever goes right it seems.. something always comes up.. its like really?? Can we just catch a freaking break !?! I just have to laugh anymore..

Sleeping has sucked lately.. like seriously I will lay in bed for at least 2 hrs before I fall a sleep and I KNOW i'm tired.. last night was a little easier cause the pluming was resolved. One night I got 4 hrs because I just.. couldn't sleep! I tried everything before taking 2 tylenol 3s... which it still took forever to fall asleep.. OMG.  BLAH. I have to go put dishes away, get my lunch ready and take stuff out for dinner tomorrow.. Work again at 4 tomorrow.. The whole week actually.. because  I get to help set mods :) yay.

~Nicki

Holy Mood Swings..*edited*

I'm a bear to live with right now.. Poor Danny :( I don't know where its coming from! We aren't TTC.. so where is all the stress coming from !!? Ugh.. I am just feeling so out of sorts.. Still no AF.. I'm almost on CD 40.. EEK! Haven't had a long cycle like that since.. forever. I was due around the 22nd usually one or 2 days off. I have no feelings of her coming either.. No headaches.. nothing. Had some cramping but nothing happened.. We did the deed today.. Curious to see if that gets the boat going.. Because I  really wanna get the blood work boat moving..

Heres the thing.. I'm thinking we haven't had a whole lotta sex this month to me just being 'blah' I'm like there is no way I could possibly be preggo.. I have absolutely NO symptoms.. that I'm aware of.. I looked at my Womany Log calendar ( yeah I keep track, with my horrible memory LOL) CD 5,9 and 18. we had sex. Ovulation forcast was supposedly the next day( Jan 8th).. Didn't do OPKs nothing. I thought I ovulated sometime the week after that due to all the CM I was having.. Like.. GOBS. But we didn't do anything. Does it even seem possible for me to be preggo?? I have no clue.. I have no tests.. but will probably go get some after I watch Chloe this afternoon.. and see what happens.. Totally not holding my breath.. Honestly . I think I have a cyst, which is where I think the random pain and cramping is coming from on my left side.

Sooo.. Thats about it.. other than me just feeling completely not myself.  BLAH.


Sooo.. I spent the afternoon at Mike and Aprils watching Chloe. And then spent some time talking to Aprill cause both the hubbys are at work and we do nothing but sit at home bored... She said that her and Mike are expecting number 2.. she's almost 10 weeks.. They got pregnant the same time we did IVF.. Hello Low ball to the Ovaries. Sure I'm happy but at the same time.. so so very sad :(  Also..another blow to my pathetic ovaries.. BFN on the preggo test. As I figured.

If I don't start in a few days i'll call Jodie and see what I can do.. Maybe she can get me provera. UGH.

~Nicki

Ugh.. Just UGH

So I started metformin.. No real side effects.. besides gas.. and the ones NOT mentioned on the sheet.. I have excessive hunger for SWEET things and my blood sugar was all screwy for a few days.. That was not fun. The excessive hunger has not gone away.. OMG.. it is NOT helping the whole weight issue and is reflecting on the scale.. SOB.  Needless to say I am not a happy camper.. hope it doesn't last too long I'm up to 2 pills now, started tonight.. Have to get up to 3. Really hoping everything subsides after I'm on the 3 pills and used to it.

So... My co-workers think i'm pregnant...!?!?!?!?!? Just because i'm having these cravings.. for things like Fruity Pebbles and 8:45 at night.. does NOT mean i'm pregnant.. just freaking hungry for shit from this medicine!! Nor does my incessant hair loss mean i'm pregnant either!! I just had a period  on the 21st of December.. I'm in the middle of my freaking cycle!! I had a BLOOD TEST thats Said NOPE sorry your 16 grand for IVF didn't work.  Pretty fucking sure i'm not pregnant. I don't care if you have some form of  'pregnancy guswabba' that you know someone is preggo before they do.. Sorry after 4 1/2 years of this shit.. I don't buy it.  I seriously wanted to  SCREAM.

Which by the way.. this whole hair loss thing.. needs to like end. Like. Now. I have lost so much hair.. I goggled it and came up with some weird term for rapid loss of hair.. and did not like what I found.. I pray that this reverses and I get my hair back. I'm summing it up to stress, shock to my body from all the IVF meds.. and Birth Control.. anyone of these things can cause sudden loss of hair.. But its pretty scary seeing the difference in your hair.. Not being as thick.. falling out in more than 50 strands at a time. I can see a difference and feel it. I am so sad  :(. I'm praying that my blood test that I will get done soon.. as soon as AF shows up again, it will either reveal something.. if not and it doesn't slow down.. I'm calling a dermatologist.


Ugh.. End rant and sadness.. Off to bed before I eat the couch..

~Nicki

SO Overwhelmed!!!!

OMG.. The emotions I have been experiencing the past week have been nothing short of ridiculous. Happy, Upset, Stressed, Can't concentrate, just plain old completely OVERWHELMED.

I don't have any clue what my next step is.. we are for adoption, but I'm still a little reserved. But am willing to proceed.. I think it's because I'm not totally over having my own child. My whole thing is if we go thru with adoption.. can we still try?? Of course we can, but my brain thinks we can't.. so I need to get over it!

With the WTF fast approaching Monday, I have a slew of questions to ask.. some of which are probably not even worth asking.. But.. yeah. I want to know if we can go backwards!  Weird huh? We conceived on our first ever IUI with Femera.. If my problem is egg quality.. It helps.. cause you don't develop so fast as you do with injectables.  I'm also taking my CoQ10.. which the pills are GINORMOUS by the way. I'm going to order DH Fertility Blend for me, because well it can't hurt.  I don't know. I just want it to be here so I can get some answers!!!

My mom wants me to get a 2nd opinion.. while I would love one.. I have no where to go.. CCRM ( one of the leading clinics in the US) yeah I live where they are located...but they do not and will not accept my insurance. They will not even bill them. Even tho I have Diagnostic coverage! So Frustrating. That is the only place I would even think of going for a 2nd opinion. Because they are the next best thing next to a university clinic.. don't you think?  UGH.


Now That I have made my self get another tension headache.. I'm off to get ready for work and bang my head on a wall.

~Nicki

Numb.

Yesterday was Retrieval day.. So very nervous and excited.. They got 17 eggs...  I should be happy right?

Well no. Because this is the call I got this morning..

12 had no eggs.. and the other 5 did not fertilize.

They will be doing rescue ICSI ( hail mary) but chance of pregnancy from them is slim.

What do you do when you learn you may not have children because you don't have eggs, or the ones you do have.. won't let the sperm in?

I haven't figured this out yet..

Got a call a little while later saying they ICSI'd the 5 and then 4 more popped up in the incubator.. so they did them as well. Danny's sperm is apparently fantastic.

I cried and cried.. E-mailed Danny and said I needed him to call me.. needless to say we are both home.. and both a mess.

We are devastated and don't know where to go from here.  I want a bio child so bad.. But do we move on to Donor embroys? Do we try IVF again and automatically do ICSI? Do we adopt? Or do we live child free.. because right now all of those options are not options.. because well.. You need and obscene amount of money to do any. Right now we need another 2000 just for ICSI.. Because we were told we didn't need it.. Should have done it anyways.

So lost and numb right now.. Praying SO hard that God will give us just one embryo.

Spent.

I am just pure exhausted.. I think the Lupron is sucking the life out of me.. I am constantly tired and have no motivation and a constant non stop headache.. Tylenol makes it go away for a few hrs then its right back. Its almost over.. Will hopefully be triggering Monday or Tuesday!! I had to add menopur with the follistim because I was not responding like I should. My e2 on day 5 was a whopping 149...Not very good for day 5 of stims. I will only be getting about 6 or 7 eggs out of this.. was totally hoping for more.. but I guess thats what you get with DOR. She said its not bad, but its not great.

I'm so thankful for my office.. I didn't  have to pay for any menopur and just in case I run out of Follistim.. they gave me another 300 :) I've only had to order another 900 vial.. 742 dollars later.. Ack. So a little over 3 grand for meds. But the Menopur is doing what it should my follies are catching up, will ask for my e2 tomorrow since I have to go back.. again.  In one week i've been to Springs 4 times.. and tomorrow will make 5.. then i'm sure i'll be there again Monday.

I think my emotions are about to explode between being tired and hopped up on hormones.. Its not a pretty sight.. Oh and my poor tummy looks like a pin cushion! It will all be worth it in the end.. It just has to be.

Retrieval will be either Wednesday or Thursday and I will be off for a week and a half.. Can I get and amen there!? Mini Vacay .Woot.

~Nicki

Why does...

  This season always seemed rushed?? Today we are having Thanksgiving with my parents. Danny started Day shift today for the next 2 months, not cool. So right after he gets home and changed we will be on our way! My first Pumpkin pie is done and cooling, green bean casserole is ready for the oven when we get there and deviled eggs are ready.  Hope the pie tastes good LOL it doesn't look pretty.. I need to find a new crust recipie.. its just never enough OR maybe I should use it all instead of cutting it in half like it says to do.

I've been super tired and sluggish lately I just can't get going.. Unless I'm in a rush then its go, go, crash. I think Its the Lupron. I get little headaches here and there and hot flashes and then I'm so tired. It will be worth it in the end.. I know that for sure. One thing I'm worried about that never dawned on me until a few weeks ago.. What if this works and I get pregnant with twins and something happens and I can't work?? We'd be totally screwed.. i've never applied for any insurance thru my work.. and the offer things like short and long term disability. Ugh.. and open enrollment has passed. I'm at a loss! I don't know what to do.. also I want to take time off after Transfer so i'm not jostling things around.. but I have to take it off at the time of retrieval too. I think I'll take 2 weeks and have to call it good! Ugh.. so much to think about.

I have my appt wed and will start stimming shortly after that! Getting close.. and praying everyday that this will work.


I think I might take a nap.. before Danny gets off at 3.

~Nicki

PS: I finally am below 230.. Now I will totally ruin that this evening haha.

Don't know what is wrong..

I'm at a weird place right now.. I just feel weird... Danny got his Pera check yesterday.. $32,000 and some change. I can't believe it actually got here that fast and was more than we expected. I should be happy knowing that we will be saving over 900 dollars a month.. NOT paying debt... But I find my self stressed?? We are getting me a new car.. exactly what I want.. ordered from the factory no miles except what I put on it.. Crazy. I'm getting the Ford Edge. But at the same time I feel bad because I shouldn't be doing this..we should relish in having extra money a month.. We still will but.. you know.. we've never had over 600 sitting in the bank at one time... for over a week.. its weird.. to not be freaking out about money going 'Oh we only have 30 bucks to last us 2 weeks till I get pd'

   Yeah.. we went and bought our tile for the floor and the 180 bucks didn't break the bank. Because we still have money in their.. WEIRD. After living this way for almost 7 years.. its just plain WEIRD. Tomorrow we are getting up early.. depositing the check.. going to Pueblo to pay off One main and our Debt consolidation loan.. That in itself is almost 600 dollars a month in savings..  How on earth did we get there?  Crazy to think that we will only have one maybe 2  bills left after we pay off everything and get rid of my car. Of course we will still have house, cars and insurance and normal utility bills. I'm just in shock.. We can actually save up for things and do what we would like to do.. have a decent Christmas and actually AFFORD a Baby. Now.. we just need one.. That is something else we will be doing when he gets back from Georgia.


I honestly think... we are going thru the 7 year itch.. I mean I don't want to leave.. but we just need to rekindle what we had.. I feel as if we are on repeat nothing exciting ever happens.. romance is like.. NIL we need to get away even for just a weekend. But that won't be happening anytime soon. He goes back to Monday Tuesday off so we only have Mondays together.. I wish I knew stuff to make us feel like us again.. I just don't know where to start. Maybe getting my house out of a state of shambles will help.. OMG I'm going to go insane. Our bedroom looks like  a war zone.. I'll leave it at that.

Danny asked me last night if there is anything I WANT with the money besides a car.. I couldn't think of anything last night.. except he should know.. I really want a Dyson.. How lame is that ... I can choose anything and I pick a vacuum..?! A vacuum for pete's sake!!! I should have said a puppy LMAO.. Yeah thats asking for stress x1000 J/K Not for another few years hahahah

Now that I threw my self in to an anxiety attack.. and that this post is ALL OVER the place (sorry) I need to go vacuum.. and dust.. BADLY.

~Nicki

Some 'soul' Searching...

I think is in order.. Not sure where this road called life is taking me right now..But its been pretty difficult to say the least. It just seems some people I considered as friends .. good friends once we've just drifted apart.. People get married have kids and life goes on.. You only get stuck with a few good ones throughout your life.

  I posted a post on facebook last night
 I always feel like I try to hard at friendships...and you shouldn't have to. You should always pick up where you left off as if you haven't spoken in 20 years. I only have a few friends like this.... you know who you are. ♥
 On of the people I figured would like or comment on the post.. Didn't.. Granted I probably made her mad in an early text but still.. Its never been an issue till recently. Make me wonder if i'm even still considered a friend.. even tho I'm her son's Godmother... Which I don't think means what it should to her. A godmother should have a special bond with her godson.. Which I don't have. Her other friend is more of a godmother than me. Yeah I may not have to time to spend time with him every weekend but.. I sure try... Living over 2 hours apart and only 2 days a week off in the time I have to get things done around the house and might have some time to spend with my husband.. I hardly get to ever see Kayla because.. well we are adults now and work and have personal lives.. Its easier to see friends when they live close.. put distance in that factor and it becomes hard. I hardly even get to see my parents on a monthly basis.. heck i'm lucky to see them every 3 months!!

I've heard from someone that I don't try to spend time with them.. That is not the case.. just like her we have a money budget as well and can't go everywhere we would like when we want.. Maybe sometimes it would be nice if people would come see us? We can do things.. there are lots of outdoor things to do here that would be awesome for a kid to learn about, heck they might even go home tired!  But I guess i'll just keep doing what i'm doing and keep getting talked about behind me back.. at how horrible of a friend I am.

Also.. I'm not scared to be around other peoples kids.. Sure It might hurt a little bit..but if I can enrich a kids life and make them feel loved by someone other than their mommy and daddy I feel pretty good.. It gives me hope that one day I might be a mom.. Plus hearing that I will make a good mommy one day.. makes me feel pretty darn good. Just because  i'm infertile doesn't mean I don't  like kids.. I love and adore kids.. it pains me to see kids getting mistreated, sure pregnant belly's make my heart hurt.. but I love squishing munchkins cheeks and giving baby kisses and tickles. So don't assume I don't like being around kids.. It helps me learn what not to do as a mommy and what to do to succeed.

So I think I need to figure out where i'm at in life.. I sure don't like to get drunk all the time anymore every once in a while a few drinks is nice.. but not all the time. I love to go shopping with girl friends.. make my home look and smell pretty :) I love doing crafts, try new recipes and make my husband happy.We are more than happy to go to a friends house and eat some dinner and watch some television :) thats our idea of a good time nowadays LOL.!! We are constantly working to make our relationship better everyday. Some days are of course worse than others.. where you're just not sure what you want out of life but then you realize you have everything you could ever want and need (minus a baby in our case). I take back all I said to Danny yesterday.. after I realized I am happy.. I just have sad moments where life just comes to a head and I can't take it anymore I focus on all the bad thins that make my life seem miserable.

I have 2 wonderful doggies and 3 wonderful kitties ( I still can't stop thinking about that kitten) and a husband who love me for who I am and that's all that matters

~Nicki

Super BLAH.

Ugh.. Wish is was October already.. (i'm going to regret posting that) But I do... I still am not sure if we will get approved or not.. but I can hope. We argued back and fourth between getting me a new car.. we almost did it but the payments were just out of reach. SO. Yeah.. plus they didn't.. well couldn't find what I wanted in the Year or color.. Then a few days later I found 2.. I was pretty peeved. So.. I kept pestering Danny but he didn't say or do anything.. so I gave up.

Just so frustrating.. after driving a new car and thinking that I might just get one. Nope Danny decided that we should wait.. So once again I have to choose.. Baby or Car.. Its either wait try to get reapproved, or get a new car.. Its stupid. I hate life sometimes.

My house is a mess. I have no urge to clean...My parents are coming tomorrow to start redoing our floor... Its hotter than hell in my house.. because the swamp cooler pump went out.. FML.

PS: I almost brought home a cute little grey and white kitten <3 p="p">
~Nicki

Do not pass go do not collect $200

So.. we got officially denied.. we only got approved for 6 thousand..Um.. Yeah sure let me pull a little over 10 grand out of my ass. Here yah go. I kinda laughed.. its like I'm not apply for this because I can afford the other half here people!! SO... I was pretty upset.. but then reality set in and we can try again in Oct/Nov when we have 2 major bills paid off.

Everyone thinks Danny is stupid cashing out his PERA.. well here's the thing.. he's not going back to the state... SO why leave 30 grand we can use for things sitting until he's 60? Yeah so.. I don't care how much taxes I have to pay.. we need that money now.. to make our life better. IE paying off our debt consolidation and one of my husbands loans and a few smaller things.. all while putting away money for the taxes.

We were thinking of paying off my car.. but April and Mike came over last night with their new truck LOL. I'm going with them today to see about the possibility of trading in my car for an SUV. I don't think I'll do it unless they get me a super sweet deal with a payment I can  handle. I love that working with Wal-Mart I can get employee pricing as if I work for the dealership its pretty sweet :) So we will see.. If not we're waiting.. impatiently for September. It seems SO far away. Next thing I know It will be Christmas..Ha. 

PS: I don't really want to get rid of my car.. because I love it.. Its the car I always wanted.  BUT its getting up there in miles..and if we end up with munchkins later down the  road.. its just too tiny ( i'd hate to cram a a car seat in it) But... such is life.. Plus I don't owe very much on it.

UGH.. Such is life.. I know everything is going to work out the way it needs to go.. But i'm so over everything not going the way I want it too.

That's it in our neck of the woods.. I can't remember if I posted about the bathroom floor fiasco.. So not looking forward to that.

~Nicki