A rough go...

Lately I have been struggling with infertility lately.. its really biting at me to start trying again. We just never have the stupid money to try.. I'm thinking of switching insurance.. to see if there is better coverage out there. I also want a second opinion.. I really love my RE and the nurse staff.. they are so nice.. its been over a year since we did any sort of treatment.. we did one IUI after the failed IVF. It was of course a no go.. and then we just stopped.. we haven't even TRIED to get preggo.. and still nada.

We are just almost a week away from out 7 year anniversary.. It seems soo crazy that we have been married almost 7 years.. it seems like we are in a rut.. its been just us 2 for 8 years... we have gained one furbaby that hasn't been with us since we have been together.. all of my other animals are 7 or older.. I really want to share the feeling of family with him.. our own little family. After finishing the nursery all I can think about is how I want no one else but our baby in that nursery.. I'm sure I will feel differently when we get a placement.. if that ever happens. But right now.. with it empty that is how I feel.

I'm feeling lost.. I don't know what direction to go... do I get a second opinion now.. or just wait and let my ovaries get older and unused?? I want nothing more that to carry just ONE child.. Just one. Its all I want and nothing more.. I guess its too much to ask of anyone..

I really feel that something is wrong.. and which is why I feel strongly about a 2nd opinion.. Maybe I just need to go for it?? I'm loosing hair again.. not as bad but its noticeable.. I'm all of a sudden having a psoriasis break out, totally out of the blue they just started appearing.

The house hunt is no where near over.. we've had 3 people look at it.. no offers.. we have one tomorrow.. we think we have found our house.. but the bedroom size is the only thing that bugs me, everything else is perfect. Of Course. It is not on the market our realtor works with a couple of investors and one bought that house.. so he would fix what we wanted fix new carpet, paint etc. and of course what we want done.. and in our budget.. Both have been out of town and we haven't heard anything yet.. maybe tomorrow. I guess I should go clean for tomorrow and catch up on some shows!

~Nicki

Super Duper Lazy.

Oops I slept till almost 10 today!! I woke up at 8 intended to sleep for just a few more min.. guess I was tired!!

So... lately I've been dwelling on whether or not to do another IVF or embryo adoption.. Part of me says just go 100% for embryo adoption.. its easier on my body vs. another IVF. Embryo adoption we get all their left over embryos, IVF unless my eggs cooperate we get nothing after wards.. Sooo.. yeah my whole thing i'm stuck on is.. a Biological child.. Granted I could love any child like its my own.. But the fact that I may have to explain to a child one day.. I carried you but you aren't really mine? I probably could in the future.. but the thought of it right now scares the daylights out of me.. I guess if I wasn't scared tho i'd be weird ;)

Not to mention after I get another lap.. Danny says we should do it when we get back from Disney. Not against it but..its in the middle of the Holiday season.. and we now have a new leave process at work. Ew. It does not sound like fun.. so i'll have to get information on that! We will do a few IUIs and maybe a miracle will occur??

I started supplements again this time a few different ones. Started Vitamin E, Evening Primrose oil and a vitamin for my hair and such! I will add Red Clove and Red Raspberry Leaf  ( when I find them!) and then CoQ-10 again! And gotta get Danny his again too.

I need to get cleaning the spare room today.. I'm itching to sew my pillows for my couch!! Plus have a bunch of other stuff I need to attempt! Carpet in living room and dining room gets replaced on Wednesday and then next weekend I can go get my China Hutch from my moms!

When Danny gets home were going to go to Wally in Pueblo West and see if they have the blender I want and the pot Danny broke that I JUST bought and it was our last one. Sad day...

On a random note.. me and Danny just had our 6 year anniversary.. Um.. Wow. Really!? Crazy to think how long we have been together!  We have made quite the life here in our little house :) 2 lazy dogs and  3 even lazier kitties.. ( I want another kitten.. yeah I know i'm crazy.. call it my mothering instinct). << Danny doesn't know that yet LOL!

Well seeing as how its 12:40 I guess I should get cracking and do something besides eat breakfast and do the dishes and play Farmville 2.  Its just a lazy day.. Maybe I'll go check the garden to see if there is any yummy ready to eat!

~Nicki

So Lost.

I hate not knowing where everything is going.. how its going to turn out.. where to go next. Just lost and confused.. I want to move on SO bad.. but we have to get things done in order to move on.

~We need a garage. Period. Dot. End of story.

~Painting. ( yeah i'm the person who paints after new carpet is installed haha)

~Finish the Kitchen ( this is the only major thing left)

~Railing on the porch and finish back patio

~ Now apparently we need to get base boards.. because of the new carpet...Which by the way has a hole in it!! How awesome is THAT!?

~Get everything organized and put back.. which cannot happen until the carpet in living room with hole is replaced. Hopefully in the next couple weeks.

~A ton of little crap..

~Vacation.. is it September yet?

~After vacation.. see about getting equity out of our house for SOMETHING. Either more IUIs, IVF or Embryo Adoption.

~I want another lap done.. like today. It is eating at me to know if this is truly my problem.

I have so much more I want to say  but its a giant jumble in my head and I never have enough time to write it! We've been busy and when we are ... I'm not on the computer. I need to post some pictures of whats been going on.. I feel like I love my house again with everything that has been going on and getting done.

Now I just need a vacation. Pronto.

~Nicki

Hmm..

Today is Danny's 29th birthday! LOL we're getting old around here! I found several gray hairs on my head.. EEK! They will promptly get plucked.. I refuse to dye my hair lol cause I like my hair color!


So I think me and Danny have finally decided to do adoption.. We are either going to do a home equity loan or a home equity line of credit. It just feels right.. I am happy with this home.. just wish it was a little bigger but for a family of 3 it will be just fine for now! We can add on or something LOL! Just need to fix up a few things before we take that leap.. IE finish my cabinets , bathroom and redo the porch. Those are the major things and then of course.. always need a fresh coat of paint! I REALLY would like new carpet.. but we will see LOL. Someone throw  a HUGE deal on it please!!!

Anyways.. Danny asked me about IVF.. I said I want to do it again.. but right now I just want a baby in my arms.. and adoption is a guarantee. Somewhere down the road, if it doesn't happen naturally we will do IVF again. Adoption just feels right.. and I know we will not have any problem or any one in my family for that matter, Spoiling that baby to death and loving it with all our hearts!! I just want to share the love and everything else my heart is aching to share with another little human being that needs to be nurtured, loved and taught!


That is where we are right now and feel pretty good about it right now. It just feels right.   Almost like I'm being called to start my family this way first. So now we just have to get our duckies in a row and get everything straightened out around the house so it looks presentable LOL then send in the application and get approved for what ever amount they will give us :) of course we have to find the right bank with the right rate LOL. Its not going to happen super fast I will say that! We have our trip coming up in September so around there is when we will get everything going *hopefully* because we don't want to get a call before our trip saying come get your baby! We were told by the guy we talked to that we would probably get picked fast because of our age, I can only hope! But I do know it takes a while to get everything together and approved so I will gladly wait any amount of time!

~Nicki

Snowing and a dead tree...

Its snowing outside and our poor Christmas tree has already died and it looks pretty sad :( . Not sure what happened.. but I almost want to go get another one.. but its way to late and the thought of decorating it again LOL.

I POAS at 6dp3dt.. way to early I know but I did anyways.. Then again 8dp3dt and it was neg.. I will admit I lost a little bit of hope. Still early but I was hoping that there would be some sort of a line. My blood test is Friday. I don't think I'll POAS again. I did pee 5 thousand times last night at work.. not sure what happened there. I guess I just keep looking for symptoms and I have none.. My boobs hurt last night but I'm blame progesterone and being in bra the whole day!

Plus one day of being back to work.. and I have HUGE bags under my eyes.. and I woke up at 9.. really...wtf? I go from looking all rested to crap instantaneously. Not cool.


I'm still tired it seems.. but I haven't worked in almost 2 weeks.. so thats probably why..I'm really hoping i'm in denial like our first IUI and i'm preggo.. I do keep talking to my belly.

Me and Danny are talking about what our next step will be.. he mentioned fostering/ fostering to adopt.. I don't even know where to start..Its very overwhelming..  I have never been around children for along periods of time.. I don't know how to talk to them or anything. An infant would be awesome . because well I can learn.. Danny on the other hand is like the child master.. I know your thinking why does this woman even want kids if she doesn't even know how to interact with them? I never grew up with younger cousins or younger siblings.. i'm the baby.. Danny got to experience it all.. The only interaction i've ever had is with Gideon and now Chloe.. and occasionally other kids.. but never for very long. Just makes it tough for me to make these kids of decisions.

We will continue talking if the outcome is negative.. I just don't have that feeling that it worked. I'm trying to stay positive.. Yesterday my first day back to work was almost to much.. all the questions and people saying they are crossing their fingers or do this do that, do you have any symptoms.. Yeah.. About to go insane.

I have to go finish my cookies and then eat some lunch before work.. will have to leave super early today cause i'm grandma driver in the snow ;)

Praying very hard that one little baby hung on.. I would hate to be talking to an empty uterus.

~Nicki

Thoughts

You've been warned! Before I get going for the day.. even tho is 10:35am... I'd figured i'd update this thing!!


I POAS( Peed on a stick) this morning.. even tho 6dp3dt is WAY to early LOL.. I had to.. Just that over whelming urge. So I did... and it was stark white. So.. Just hoping and praying a line will appear in a few days. I have that strong gut feeling this didn't work.. I asked Danny today if I was like this with our first IUI that did.. and he said yes.. so maybe that translates to it did work but I don't want to think it did?? I swear... If I have triplets I will not complain.. hell if I have one I won't.. I just pray that one embaby snuggled in. We want this soooo bad its killing us.. I don't know what will happen if it doesn't work.

 The people supporting us thru this.. I just don't think they understand the financial, emotional and physical aspect of this tiring process... Four years of this is way too much for anyone to bear.. I honestly don't know how some couples go thru many more years of this. I just can't fathom another 4 years. I mean I'm glad we started when we did.. but how much longer can we keep going?? We're seriously going to have to cut everything back in order to continue with anything.


Danny made the car payment the other day.. we have 49 payments left.. Why can't it be like 12 LOL? Life would be better if that was the case! It will be hard to figure out where to cut from because.. we'll we don't do much as it is..

Christmas this year.. doesn't even feel like Christmas. I haven't baked a single thing. I just finished Christmas shopping.. well expect some little stuff.. This it the earliest its happened LOL. But i'm not even excited about whats under the tree.. I don't even know how we are gonna do Christmas this year... Since we are both off. My mom told me she hasn't even done a tree or anything.. Our tree is dead already.. How sad is that? I'm going to try to do some baking today... We will see how that goes LOL.

I'm trying to finish Gideon's scrapbook. Sad. But i need to get it done and get it out so its out of my way. Its taken me since September to even look at it. Plus we've been busy.

I love scrap booking.. wish I had more time for it.. Well I do I just need to make myself do it.. Plus it would be nice to have something to scrap book about.

I should have never taken this much time off.. I have literally gone insane.. all by myself all day.. No one will let me do anything like I'm going to fall apart!  I BEGGED Danny to take me outta the house 3 days ago.. and have gone out every night since.. Because I'm ready to kill an animal or something by the time Danny gets home at 3. The First night we just went to dinner up in Pueblo at Chipotle because mexican is the only thing that sounds good. The 2nd night we went and saw The Hobbit and had dinner.. and last night we finished Christmas shopping in Pueblo. Wow Was I tired after all that walking LOL. I felt weird.

So maybe today i'll be content at home baking and scrap booking. Have to call the office again tomorrow and get them to send in a release for Tuesday so I can go back to work.. OMG.. I WANT to go back to work.

Well  I think i've babbled enough.. I hope that my miracles for this months haven't run out and in a few days I get a positive preg test.. My actual Beta test is Friday. Praying soooo hard..

~Nicki

Sorry for the delay!

Well we had our Embryo transfer yesterday.. With a 6,7,8 cell embryos :) we decided on all 3 because they said with the rescue ISCI that not all 3 would likely take.


We had to leave 4 hours early.. because we got snow pretty much ALL day on Sunday!! I was excited but it was super icy and crappy roads. So we left at 630 am on Monday. We stopped twice, once right passed Ft. Carson.. because I had to pee and get something to eat. Then we stopped at 9 at the Park Meadows mall in Denver so I could empty my bladder.. then drink 32 oz of water.. Because you have to have a full bladder OMG. I shouldn't have started drinking so early.. Our appt wasn't till 11. So.. By the time we get there 2 hrs early.. we went to Panera Bread across from all the medical pavilions and the Hospitals ( there is University Colorado Hospital and Children's). Had some more water and a bagel to eat.. (mmm Cinnamon Crunch bagel) By the time we get over to the hospital its not even 10.. OMG.. It drug on and on.. I had to pee SO BAD.

By the time the nurse came and got us.. I could barely walk cause my bladder hurt so bad. She did let me pee a little because it can be too full! Well it sure as hell felt like it. So I felt a little better.. We got all undressed and Danny in scrubs teehee :)  We went back to the OR room and I was complemented on my full bladder. I felt a little embarrassed because there was like 7 people in the room. Talk about AWKWARD. Crotch on display for all to see.. I think there was 4 Dr.s, the embryologist, and 2 u/s techs.

It was a pretty surreal experience to see the embryos going in.. which is why you have to have a full bladder. I started crying.. well trying not too LOL afterwards me and Danny both broke down. It really didn't take all that long but it felt like forever because I had to pee so bad.. I had the option of afterwards to use a bedpan or wait.. I opted to wait.. then started freaking out cause I had to pee SO bad.

Then I freaked out thinking they would fall out LOL. That was the most uncomfortable ride ever. We stopped at Red Robin for lunch.. I think I did too much.. but I was sitting. I was reclined.. my neck hurt then I came home and laid down for a while tried napping.. then say up and messed around on the computer.. Still think I did to much.. But if its going to work its going to work. I'm off till the 18th.

Everyone thinks i'm going to fall apart!! I'm pretty sure I can stand to shower and get up to pee and maybe get myself some snack and drinks! Which by the way the progesterone is making me super hungry all the time and my boobs sore!

We are praying .. I have alot of people praying this works for us.. I really want our little miracle or miracles. We MAY get 2 frosties.. Didn't have an update today so hopefully soon they will let me know either way. They said yesterday the other 2 are still growing :)

I'll leave you with a picture of our embabies!! I hope a few snuggle in..If we do get triplets.. we will cross that bridge when we get there.. but we are hoping for 2 or 1 :)

~Nicki

Numb.

Yesterday was Retrieval day.. So very nervous and excited.. They got 17 eggs...  I should be happy right?

Well no. Because this is the call I got this morning..

12 had no eggs.. and the other 5 did not fertilize.

They will be doing rescue ICSI ( hail mary) but chance of pregnancy from them is slim.

What do you do when you learn you may not have children because you don't have eggs, or the ones you do have.. won't let the sperm in?

I haven't figured this out yet..

Got a call a little while later saying they ICSI'd the 5 and then 4 more popped up in the incubator.. so they did them as well. Danny's sperm is apparently fantastic.

I cried and cried.. E-mailed Danny and said I needed him to call me.. needless to say we are both home.. and both a mess.

We are devastated and don't know where to go from here.  I want a bio child so bad.. But do we move on to Donor embroys? Do we try IVF again and automatically do ICSI? Do we adopt? Or do we live child free.. because right now all of those options are not options.. because well.. You need and obscene amount of money to do any. Right now we need another 2000 just for ICSI.. Because we were told we didn't need it.. Should have done it anyways.

So lost and numb right now.. Praying SO hard that God will give us just one embryo.

Spent.

I am just pure exhausted.. I think the Lupron is sucking the life out of me.. I am constantly tired and have no motivation and a constant non stop headache.. Tylenol makes it go away for a few hrs then its right back. Its almost over.. Will hopefully be triggering Monday or Tuesday!! I had to add menopur with the follistim because I was not responding like I should. My e2 on day 5 was a whopping 149...Not very good for day 5 of stims. I will only be getting about 6 or 7 eggs out of this.. was totally hoping for more.. but I guess thats what you get with DOR. She said its not bad, but its not great.

I'm so thankful for my office.. I didn't  have to pay for any menopur and just in case I run out of Follistim.. they gave me another 300 :) I've only had to order another 900 vial.. 742 dollars later.. Ack. So a little over 3 grand for meds. But the Menopur is doing what it should my follies are catching up, will ask for my e2 tomorrow since I have to go back.. again.  In one week i've been to Springs 4 times.. and tomorrow will make 5.. then i'm sure i'll be there again Monday.

I think my emotions are about to explode between being tired and hopped up on hormones.. Its not a pretty sight.. Oh and my poor tummy looks like a pin cushion! It will all be worth it in the end.. It just has to be.

Retrieval will be either Wednesday or Thursday and I will be off for a week and a half.. Can I get and amen there!? Mini Vacay .Woot.

~Nicki

Why does...

  This season always seemed rushed?? Today we are having Thanksgiving with my parents. Danny started Day shift today for the next 2 months, not cool. So right after he gets home and changed we will be on our way! My first Pumpkin pie is done and cooling, green bean casserole is ready for the oven when we get there and deviled eggs are ready.  Hope the pie tastes good LOL it doesn't look pretty.. I need to find a new crust recipie.. its just never enough OR maybe I should use it all instead of cutting it in half like it says to do.

I've been super tired and sluggish lately I just can't get going.. Unless I'm in a rush then its go, go, crash. I think Its the Lupron. I get little headaches here and there and hot flashes and then I'm so tired. It will be worth it in the end.. I know that for sure. One thing I'm worried about that never dawned on me until a few weeks ago.. What if this works and I get pregnant with twins and something happens and I can't work?? We'd be totally screwed.. i've never applied for any insurance thru my work.. and the offer things like short and long term disability. Ugh.. and open enrollment has passed. I'm at a loss! I don't know what to do.. also I want to take time off after Transfer so i'm not jostling things around.. but I have to take it off at the time of retrieval too. I think I'll take 2 weeks and have to call it good! Ugh.. so much to think about.

I have my appt wed and will start stimming shortly after that! Getting close.. and praying everyday that this will work.


I think I might take a nap.. before Danny gets off at 3.

~Nicki

PS: I finally am below 230.. Now I will totally ruin that this evening haha.

Mixed Feelings.

I'm feeling stressed and anxiety all at the same time.. I'm not digging it. I just want everything to get here and be done with and oddly be in the 2ww.. and find out at the end that we are pregnant.

Right now i'm battling a cold.. Not fun. Between clogged ears, nose, sneezing, millions tissues and fatigue.. I don't seem to be getting any better.. I just want to SLEEP.

I've been trying to get the energy and I can't think of a word for it.. to finish Gideon's baby book. I just can't bring myself to do it. I have the pictures and everything.. I just need to do it. Maybe Danny needs to be home with me while he plays video games or something? I Don't know.. but when I'm by myself I can't do it.. I almost did a little while ago.. but I made Kettle corn and plopped down on the couch. Once I get going it won't take me long.. Maybe before Christmas.

Speaking of. There is only 52 DAYS before Christmas! I want to have everything done EARLY.  But I know that won't happen LOL. I made Danny put my countdown outside ;) he was very reluctant hahah I said but its a COUNTDOWN! Hahah he has to learn to live with it :). Also I get to have Thanksgiving with my Parents.. not my brother tho.. as he will be overseas this year. But I'll take it.. haven't had Thanksgiving with them in um like forever. I can't even remember its been THAT long. It will be the Sunday before because me and Danny have to work.. but we will take it!


Now i'm going to go Pin my little heart away on Pinterest! Need Decorating Ideas!!

~Nicki

Alot.

Those are all my meds that I am going to need for IVF... Yikes!! To include 2 vials of 900 iu of Follistim, 2 350 iu of Follistim, Lupron, HCG Trigger, Endometrin, Vivelle Patch ( totally don't know what this is for), pain meds and  Ginormous Prenatal pills, plus tons of needles and such LOL. Just a a waiting game right now. Have our first appt on the 8th! It's coming up fast!

Weight watchers is going good this time around :) had a few bad days but who doesn't! I can't complain i've only lost about 3lbs but hey you gotta start somewhere! Plus got a new scale LOL our old one weighed at least 3 lbs more than the Drs office. Now we're even!

Rocky got weighed today at almost 7 months he weighs 56.4 lbs! He' so skinny I don't know where it's all at! Probably in his noggin hahah. He's gotten so big and is such a joy to have around :)!

Well Off to get things ready for work and get some sleep!!

Whew!

Well AF Finally showed up Yesterday, with some horrible awful cramps!!  BUT I didn't have to get anything to get her to show up so that makes me happy!!!

All of my meds will be here today.. Yikes.. its starting to feel real!! I will start birth control tonight. Getting nervous and excited!

Well in other news.. these past few months have gone by in a blur!! The garden is long gone, my  puppy is huge and my house is staying clean.. we have money in the bank and life is just good!

Still don't have a new car for me.. Its all up in the air lol but after the first of the year we will start looking hard.. specially if there is a bun in the oven! We are thinking of selling my car to my sister in law.. She's all for it lol. So we will see. it just seems like a pain in the ass to trade my car in.. even when its pd off! I'd rather just have money down. They keep low balling me on my car.. Ugh. I really.. really want the Ford Edge still.. But also now I like the Toyota Highlander... BUT with all these recalls over the years.. not so sure!!

So thats about all thats exciting going on around here lol! Its kinda nice not to have drama in the life right now :) You get to enjoy more! I def don't feel stressed at all anymore lol except work.. but hey such is life!

~Nicki

O.M.G

Like.. really did that just happen. We got a loan.. for IVF. A personal loan.. but a loan. Thank you lord.. So we currently have 16,000. Sitting in our saving account.. I'm waiting for the call to see how much my meds total are going to cost.. then I will call my nurse Jodi again and get going aging.. Please AF Don't be late!!

If my cycles stay the way they are going we will find out right BEFORE Christmas or Shortly after if it worked.. If we get that far.  I'm praying hard.  And Weight Watchers online is in my near future. Fo' real lol!

Me and Danny are pretty estatic right now. I officially have no more stress.. well unless you wanna count the waiting to see if this is gonna work ;)

~Nicki

Keeping Busy!

That's what we are doing around here! Rocky finished up his classes :) and he did great! Gotta figure out where to start the duck thing LOL. Its all new to us!

Keeping the house clean.. well cleaner than it ever has been LOL. Just need to put the finishing touches on the bathroom.. But we need to be home to do that. Which it seems we haven't been...  Its kinda driving me nuts. Like i'll be by myself today but have plenty to keep me busy and then tomorrow we have an appt at the bank in springs to see about getting and actual loan for IVF. Again.. not some over the phone company.. so it will be a one try for us.. Maybe a FET. Kinda sucks but.. such is life.. and I don't know if I want to tell any one about it this time around.. Haven't told Danny that tho.

Finding a new car for me is becoming a pain.. I've even test drove stuff other than the Ford Edge. I really want it.. So i'm going to get one.. eventually I've even knocked stuff out of it I want just to get the payments where we want them. We walked away from a really good deal on a Toyota Venza all because we didn't know what kinda payments the IVF loan would give us. So we will see where tomorrow puts us.. We just don't want to be back to where we were as far as money.. we are able to enjoy things now.. or buy stuff just because we can.. If we wanted to. We did splurge on one thing... a 47" TV :) our old one is only a 32 which is now in the bedroom.. I think we did pretty good.. Our 32 was 500 something.. the new TV was 548.. I think we're doing good! LOL, Early Christmas for us :)!

Well off to do stuff for the day! Some cleaning, laundry, dishes, catch up on shows and some scrap booking!

~Nicki

Super BLAH.

Ugh.. Wish is was October already.. (i'm going to regret posting that) But I do... I still am not sure if we will get approved or not.. but I can hope. We argued back and fourth between getting me a new car.. we almost did it but the payments were just out of reach. SO. Yeah.. plus they didn't.. well couldn't find what I wanted in the Year or color.. Then a few days later I found 2.. I was pretty peeved. So.. I kept pestering Danny but he didn't say or do anything.. so I gave up.

Just so frustrating.. after driving a new car and thinking that I might just get one. Nope Danny decided that we should wait.. So once again I have to choose.. Baby or Car.. Its either wait try to get reapproved, or get a new car.. Its stupid. I hate life sometimes.

My house is a mess. I have no urge to clean...My parents are coming tomorrow to start redoing our floor... Its hotter than hell in my house.. because the swamp cooler pump went out.. FML.

PS: I almost brought home a cute little grey and white kitten <3 p="p">
~Nicki

Do not pass go do not collect $200

So.. we got officially denied.. we only got approved for 6 thousand..Um.. Yeah sure let me pull a little over 10 grand out of my ass. Here yah go. I kinda laughed.. its like I'm not apply for this because I can afford the other half here people!! SO... I was pretty upset.. but then reality set in and we can try again in Oct/Nov when we have 2 major bills paid off.

Everyone thinks Danny is stupid cashing out his PERA.. well here's the thing.. he's not going back to the state... SO why leave 30 grand we can use for things sitting until he's 60? Yeah so.. I don't care how much taxes I have to pay.. we need that money now.. to make our life better. IE paying off our debt consolidation and one of my husbands loans and a few smaller things.. all while putting away money for the taxes.

We were thinking of paying off my car.. but April and Mike came over last night with their new truck LOL. I'm going with them today to see about the possibility of trading in my car for an SUV. I don't think I'll do it unless they get me a super sweet deal with a payment I can  handle. I love that working with Wal-Mart I can get employee pricing as if I work for the dealership its pretty sweet :) So we will see.. If not we're waiting.. impatiently for September. It seems SO far away. Next thing I know It will be Christmas..Ha. 

PS: I don't really want to get rid of my car.. because I love it.. Its the car I always wanted.  BUT its getting up there in miles..and if we end up with munchkins later down the  road.. its just too tiny ( i'd hate to cram a a car seat in it) But... such is life.. Plus I don't owe very much on it.

UGH.. Such is life.. I know everything is going to work out the way it needs to go.. But i'm so over everything not going the way I want it too.

That's it in our neck of the woods.. I can't remember if I posted about the bathroom floor fiasco.. So not looking forward to that.

~Nicki

When anxiety attacks.

My chest gets heavy and its hard to breathe.. and I become very shaky and jittery. These just started 2 days ago when we learned our initial loan did not get approved for our IVF.. We were devastated... Our hopes of having a child just go ripped out of our hand. While texting a good friend that this had just happened.. they offered to cosign with us.. How could we ever accept that, how could we ever thank them? My parents had already said no.. don't even know why I asked. Me and Danny took a while to think it over since Saturday Sunday they aren't open. We just reapplied taking their gracious offer.. and are just waiting.. I'm praying with everything I have right now that it works.. we couldn't go with the actual offer we wanted which was 2 fresh and 2 frozen.. we had to go with 1 fresh and 1 frozen..


If this doesn't work we have to wait.. until after the start of the new year to reapply. After more bills are paid. I just don't think I have the patience to wait this long.. but I guess I will have to make it work in my head.. I can't imagine what some women feel like waiting longer than 4 years.


Waiting is horrible.. Yesterday before they came over I thought something was wrong with me.. I've never had and anxiety attack before.. sometimes I feel super anxious but never have any physical symptoms before. Well yesterday I thought I was having a serious problem with my Birth Control.. IE Blood clot, heart attack, because my test was feeling kind of tight and  I had to keep taking deep breaths... and I couldn't stop shaking as if my blood sugar was low. I was on the verge of calling my RE.. BUT my Nurse called and I explained it to here and everything that is happening. She said it sounds like anxiety but would talk to the Dr and get back to me.. well she never did so I'm assuming all is ok since i've been on BC for over a week.


On top of all of this horrible news.. We discovered where a leak from our bathroom is coming from.. when our hot water heater went out the one pipe we didn't replace.. failed.. and has been leaking.. for quite some time.. so we will be shelling out $200-300 to re do my entire floor.. including the sub floor.. and tile.. Danny had to get under the house to turn off the main water to fix the leak.. and it was a mud pit and the floor was soaking wet and dripping.. I about died. So.. yeah.. there is a ton of anxiety in my life right now.. I can feel the attacks coming on.. and try to reassure myself that everything will work out in God's time.. and that it will all be ok in the end.. And they start to subside.. sometimes.. Work should be interesting.

Thats what happening in my life.. besides.. my garden doing WONDERFUL. Life has been ok.. just trying to chug along... Now I have to go make breakfast and finish my lunch and check on my ornery furchild...

PS: I actually made myself a decent cup of coffee....:)

~Nicki

Uh..

So.. I start Birth control tomorrow.. what? How did that happen!? Where did the time go !?  Yeah.. Now i'm going crazy because we have to get the financing in order and all that good stuff. Danny starts his new job monday.. OMG OVERLOAD.

I need to figure out some stress relief ...i'm hoping with BC that some weight will fall off because my hormones will balance out.. I've lost about 10lbs since Mayish.. so this might be the little jumpstart I need!

Just need to take a deep breath.. everything will work out just fine.

Just a quick update.. I can't believe we are finally here!

~Nicki

Wits end...?

I think I may be approaching this.. THANK GOD my vacation.. well more or less..Staycation starts tomorrow at 4. For 9 glorious days I will not have to work.. Then Danny starts his job with the Feds.. YES FINALLY!!! On Monday the 16th :) Here's a run down of whats been going on in our neck of the woods...

- Ornery Puppy. I think I might go crazy with Rocky just by himself. I think I found something that doesn't understand the word NO or his name.

-Waiting for my next period.. in hopes of starting IVF.. We are still totally in limbo.. We just don't have a date on when he will go to Georgia.. is has to be with in his first 60 days.. So.. Yeah  If we do it and then he gets his date after his 2 weeks.. we will SO be screwed. I kinda need him here.. LOL and want him here!

-My house is falling apart.. we have decided to fix/spruce it up and sell.. Refinancing did not go as planned...Our 2nd mortgage (that we were told was not going to exist) pretty much screwed us over!

- My house is such bad shape.. I really just need to pack crap up and be done with it LOL but I have attachment issues.. yeah.. 8 yrs later and I still have clothes from HS and think I will fit into them again one day?

- I stopped working out.. almost 2 weeks.. didn't even see results not even a 1lb. even tho the RE's office said so? Clothes still fit the same if not worse! But I haven't gained any back.. even tho.. I have the worst/ longest craving ever for BURGERS.. The only thing I think of eating for dinner.. is a Burger.. don't care where its from.. just a BURGER.

- I get to watch Chloe on Sunday and Monday because he sil is camping :) we watched her last Monday too.. I sure hope we don't get Miss Cranky Chloe again on Sunday!  I would like Happy Chloe :)


- Um.. Its actually rained.. More than 5 seconds! 


-My garden is doing lousy.. its huge and green but hardly any veggies...Need to fertilize on Vacay!

-Can I hire a maid?

- The plan while we're off is to redo the kitchen cabinets.. repaint my door trim from shit brown to white.. then we have to repaint the walls eventually too. Um and maybe clean the house lmao.

Thats about it in my world.. besides my horrible cranky mood, snapping at everything and everyone... and super sleepyness and craving.

~Nicki

PS: I think I may loose it.. I hope not hahah I have alot to get done in 9 days! With out over doing it!