A rough go...

Lately I have been struggling with infertility lately.. its really biting at me to start trying again. We just never have the stupid money to try.. I'm thinking of switching insurance.. to see if there is better coverage out there. I also want a second opinion.. I really love my RE and the nurse staff.. they are so nice.. its been over a year since we did any sort of treatment.. we did one IUI after the failed IVF. It was of course a no go.. and then we just stopped.. we haven't even TRIED to get preggo.. and still nada.

We are just almost a week away from out 7 year anniversary.. It seems soo crazy that we have been married almost 7 years.. it seems like we are in a rut.. its been just us 2 for 8 years... we have gained one furbaby that hasn't been with us since we have been together.. all of my other animals are 7 or older.. I really want to share the feeling of family with him.. our own little family. After finishing the nursery all I can think about is how I want no one else but our baby in that nursery.. I'm sure I will feel differently when we get a placement.. if that ever happens. But right now.. with it empty that is how I feel.

I'm feeling lost.. I don't know what direction to go... do I get a second opinion now.. or just wait and let my ovaries get older and unused?? I want nothing more that to carry just ONE child.. Just one. Its all I want and nothing more.. I guess its too much to ask of anyone..

I really feel that something is wrong.. and which is why I feel strongly about a 2nd opinion.. Maybe I just need to go for it?? I'm loosing hair again.. not as bad but its noticeable.. I'm all of a sudden having a psoriasis break out, totally out of the blue they just started appearing.

The house hunt is no where near over.. we've had 3 people look at it.. no offers.. we have one tomorrow.. we think we have found our house.. but the bedroom size is the only thing that bugs me, everything else is perfect. Of Course. It is not on the market our realtor works with a couple of investors and one bought that house.. so he would fix what we wanted fix new carpet, paint etc. and of course what we want done.. and in our budget.. Both have been out of town and we haven't heard anything yet.. maybe tomorrow. I guess I should go clean for tomorrow and catch up on some shows!

~Nicki

Super Duper Lazy.

Oops I slept till almost 10 today!! I woke up at 8 intended to sleep for just a few more min.. guess I was tired!!

So... lately I've been dwelling on whether or not to do another IVF or embryo adoption.. Part of me says just go 100% for embryo adoption.. its easier on my body vs. another IVF. Embryo adoption we get all their left over embryos, IVF unless my eggs cooperate we get nothing after wards.. Sooo.. yeah my whole thing i'm stuck on is.. a Biological child.. Granted I could love any child like its my own.. But the fact that I may have to explain to a child one day.. I carried you but you aren't really mine? I probably could in the future.. but the thought of it right now scares the daylights out of me.. I guess if I wasn't scared tho i'd be weird ;)

Not to mention after I get another lap.. Danny says we should do it when we get back from Disney. Not against it but..its in the middle of the Holiday season.. and we now have a new leave process at work. Ew. It does not sound like fun.. so i'll have to get information on that! We will do a few IUIs and maybe a miracle will occur??

I started supplements again this time a few different ones. Started Vitamin E, Evening Primrose oil and a vitamin for my hair and such! I will add Red Clove and Red Raspberry Leaf  ( when I find them!) and then CoQ-10 again! And gotta get Danny his again too.

I need to get cleaning the spare room today.. I'm itching to sew my pillows for my couch!! Plus have a bunch of other stuff I need to attempt! Carpet in living room and dining room gets replaced on Wednesday and then next weekend I can go get my China Hutch from my moms!

When Danny gets home were going to go to Wally in Pueblo West and see if they have the blender I want and the pot Danny broke that I JUST bought and it was our last one. Sad day...

On a random note.. me and Danny just had our 6 year anniversary.. Um.. Wow. Really!? Crazy to think how long we have been together!  We have made quite the life here in our little house :) 2 lazy dogs and  3 even lazier kitties.. ( I want another kitten.. yeah I know i'm crazy.. call it my mothering instinct). << Danny doesn't know that yet LOL!

Well seeing as how its 12:40 I guess I should get cracking and do something besides eat breakfast and do the dishes and play Farmville 2.  Its just a lazy day.. Maybe I'll go check the garden to see if there is any yummy ready to eat!

~Nicki

So Lost.

I hate not knowing where everything is going.. how its going to turn out.. where to go next. Just lost and confused.. I want to move on SO bad.. but we have to get things done in order to move on.

~We need a garage. Period. Dot. End of story.

~Painting. ( yeah i'm the person who paints after new carpet is installed haha)

~Finish the Kitchen ( this is the only major thing left)

~Railing on the porch and finish back patio

~ Now apparently we need to get base boards.. because of the new carpet...Which by the way has a hole in it!! How awesome is THAT!?

~Get everything organized and put back.. which cannot happen until the carpet in living room with hole is replaced. Hopefully in the next couple weeks.

~A ton of little crap..

~Vacation.. is it September yet?

~After vacation.. see about getting equity out of our house for SOMETHING. Either more IUIs, IVF or Embryo Adoption.

~I want another lap done.. like today. It is eating at me to know if this is truly my problem.

I have so much more I want to say  but its a giant jumble in my head and I never have enough time to write it! We've been busy and when we are ... I'm not on the computer. I need to post some pictures of whats been going on.. I feel like I love my house again with everything that has been going on and getting done.

Now I just need a vacation. Pronto.

~Nicki

Used to it...

But.. its still always hurts. IUI was a bust.. of course. I don't even know why I thought it would work. I'm pretty sure my eggs are total crap.. but there is no way of knowing.. because they can't take an egg and hold it to a light or something weird like that.. I wish there was.

So anyways.. me and Danny have been super busy getting things done around the house.. we ordered our carpet.. it was more expensive than we expected, but the carpet we're getting has a 25 yr warranty and some other good stuff including stain padding and all that good stuff... plus we got our new deck out front.. like holy crap.. we actually did something we said we were gonna do. And we have to do it.. because if we don't the wood won't be any good.  My parents came down yesterday to help make sure everything was level etc... THANK GOD they did.. or we would have royally fucked it up to put it lightly. We are halfway done.. just the rest of the top boards to put on and then to figure out railing.

I don't even know how to thank my parents for all they have done for us..

~ Bought and help put up our 6ft privacy fence.
~Bought and put in my new kitchen floor.
~Bought and put in a new side door.
~Helped put in our master bath floor and new pluming and bought supplies we didn't have enough of.
~Paid for my car to get fixed ( I paid back half)
~Put in subfloor and backer board in the spare bathroom
~Help fix the swamp on and occasion
~Help fix the seal around our NEW skylights.
~Help put up our new porch and bought stuff we didn't have enough of ( we will pay them back for this)

And the next thing i'm sure is helping with my cabinets and bracing my long set to sit straight and painting them...

I love them so much and cannot thank them enough... I wish I  knew of something to repay them but cannot think of anything...The only thing I can remember ASKING for help with.. was my car.. the rest they have just volunteered for and given their time... its so nice to get to learn all these skills.. my dad is awesome at everything.. I'm trying to train Danny to be awesome too ;) he just doesn't see this LOL.

So..on the fertility front.. I just don't even want to talk about it.. I think I want another lap done.. that way if we ever do embryo donation.. it won't hinder anything and hopefully give me a better chance.. so timing would have to be just right 6-9 months after is supposedly the best time after a lap for success.  Haven't talked to the Dr about this yet.. but I will. Right now I want to just mourn that I won't be having bio kids right now. Unless we have a miracle.. We will of course be doing this the 'old fashioned' way until we figure out whats going on.  I'm just so lost, confused, hurt and mad.

PS: I have another month of Nutrisystem on the way anyday I'm pretty excited.
PPS:  Our house payment went down.. so now we are saving 110 bucks a month!
~Nicki

Already?

June.. Already?? Seriously this year is FLYING by!  We have just about 3 months left till Disney.. We actually made it to our goal of $1000 dollars for spending money! I'd say that's a miracle, plus we're over that by 10 dollars woo!! So anything else is bonus!! Looks like i'll be getting my dishes and silverware!!

In other news... this 2ww went by fairly fast.. of course the last few days before testing are going slow.  Trigger was out 9 days after trigger. I'm not having symptoms like last time.. although its 6:30 and I could take a nap. I've been the moody bitch from hell.. totally unintentional I think Danny wants to murder me. I don't know if its PMS or the Crinone, only doing it once a day.  Oi..

How is it that during the hottest part of the day its about 75 in the house.. but as the sun starts setting it gets up to 81!?! Ugh.. need new swamp cooler belt AGAIN. Thank goodness for AC and the portable swamp.

My brother made is home from his 2nd deployment yesterday :) we will hopefully get to see him soon! As I get older I miss my brother.. I hate not being so close.. Just have to enjoy our time together as we get older and don't get to see each other often because of him being in the military now.

In other news... we have someone coming Tuesday to come measure for CARPET!!! Omg I'm so excited!! Like .. I didn't know you could be so excited for such a thing. We will get all the stuff for the porch and spare bathroom too. Now.. just to get it all done!!


I think thats about it.. not much besides work going on here.. me and danny are on different schedules for now.. I don't have my Jetta anymore *sob*  Such is life one day i'll get it back.

Now off to do something.. maybe laundry and vacuum.

~Nicki

Sometimes its nice...

To have a walk in a park.. That's what I'm comparing this cycle too.. Was definitely low key, because  unless you were Danny, the Doctors Office, and my Mother in law ( danny let it slip, but thats ok she doesn't pester!) you didn't know.. yeah I didn't tell ANYONE.. I wanted to, but it was for the better as much as I love my family and friends.. they pester and keep asking questions, which is just added stress. The cycle went so smooth and stress free.. for the most part.. Been a bumpy month money wise of course but when is it not? Next thing I knew I was triggering and then going in this morning at 930 am for the IUI.

 Thats where we hit the glitch.. lol, Danny went and gave his sample at 730am, then we went for breakfast and grabbed a couple of things and went back. So we wait... and wait.. oh its gonna be about 30 more min.. insert panic. So we just sit there.. 10 rolls around.. Jodi comes out and tells me everything will be fine, there is a 4 hr window.. so I was like ok and felt a little better!  We didn't go back till almost 1030 and then about 10 min later we had the IUI. It went smooth, we talked with Jodi for a few min and then laid there for another 15. I gave my Follistim back I have 2 300 vials from our IVF, frankly I don't think it worked well for me unless I have Menopur to go with it.. and I don't like it cause it burns!! So I got Crinone in return ;) since all mine expired in March UGH!  So thankful I love that office :)

Anyways.. Now onto the 2ww.. feeling a little crampy this time around.. we had 18.8 million swimmers by the way :).  Always on the way home I feel nauseous its weird. not sure how the wait is gonna go.. hopefully fast. We're both praying hard that this works, like for real.. I wanna be buying baby furniture and doing a nursery after we come back from Disney.. like for real I don't care if I'm preggo at Disney. You can still have fun!  We seriously.. just want one baby now.. the road we have traveled has not been easy and all we could ever ask for now is just one baby to give our unconditional love, if another one came after that.. it would be just as much a blessing.

It was nice to have a day off kinda straightened up the house and catching up on shows and whatnot. Not much else has been going on around here besides getting the garden planted, and working on the patio in back and planting some flowers up front. Just chugging along, its getting hotter and the days are getting longer.. we have our first wildfire of the season.. stupid wind and dry weather! Hoping they get it contained soon, its not near here but it still affects us and our air quality yuck.

Think thats about it.. Monday our only day off together is going to be super busy.. Yikes. Hopefully productive busy.

~Nicki

So uhh...

Remember when I said we wanted to do a couple more IUIs before actually moving onto Adoption process of some sort. The months just kinda ticked by and I really didn't think it would actually happen. Well me and Danny were talking wed night...brain running 90 miles per hr... we decided to just do it.. Aunt Flo was due in a few days, so the next morning I called and said I'd call when I start etc.  Well.. Guess who had an exactly 32 day period!? ME.. Like holy crap!  Um... never happens!

Sooo CD 3 u/s will be on Sunday, got my meds.. here I was expecting to spend 145 dollars for some little pills... (we're doing Letrozole again) I get the voice mail from the pharmacy  listen to it and it tells me the total.. I was like oi here we go.. it was only 12.42.. I'm like that is not my prescription.. Just then Lisa who works in the Pharmacy says you have to kiss Dawn and give her a hug, she found a discount for it. I was soooo shocked! It totally made my day! Been having a shitty PMSy week. So Pretty excited about that :)

Thats it fow now.. gotta work at 7 am tomorrow.. Boo.

Sometimes.. It just makes it all better.

Jason Aldean that is. I have CMT Crossroads with him and Bryan Adams recorded and when he sings 'Heaven'  acoustically it makes me cry and makes everything melt away. For a little while anyways.

It was a rough weekend... Honestly I don't even remember what we did on Sunday.. Or wait..we tore up our OTHER bathroom floor!! I seriously wanted to cry and yesterday I had just had enough. That stupid clog caused us an unnecessary problem.. if  we would have just rented a freaking snake in the first place we wouldn't have had this problem.. or maybe we would have?? The wax ring was like.. done like there wasn't even one there.. Every time I did dishes, ran the dishwasher or laundry it backed up into the spare tub and apparently out of the bottom of the toilet.. Yeah. I noticed the floor starting to bow and tiles cracking.. YAY.

Not cool.. It smelled SOOO musty and horrible. I finally had it.. I needed to do laundry and dishes piling up everywhere, had to be to work @ 4 am today, I told Danny to call plumbers there it was at 4pm.. Mike.. thank god he used to be a plumber. Told us.. well Danny how to cut the wood around the toilet flange so we wouldn't have to get a new one and said.. just rent a snake.. well DUH. The shit you always forget you can do.. With in the next hour the clog was gone. All was right in the world.. well sort of..

Now.. I love my husband.. but dear lord this man cannot cut a straight line to save his soul. The patch job on the sub floor.. needs to be RECUT and REDONE.. Or we will have more problems.. because nothing its supported.. on the main part of the floor.. Oh lord. I was a bad wife.. and said how horrible it looked. Now he feels horrible.. this is why he was made a mechanic. I however.. grew up with a father who did EVERYTHING.. So Danny thinks i have this perfectionist mind that everything has to look and be like everything my dad does or did. No. Not true. I was just the girl who always watched what he did and helped. My brother on the other hand.. lived in front of a screen playing games. I'm better with a saw than he is.. Hammers no so much ( I have Horrible aim).. Drills yay!


So.. yeah.. thats it in the world of the home.. Being a homeowner sucks.

On the umm..baby front?? My BBT was all out of whack.. I just quit. My temp dropped and rose 3 times! Then dropped as if my period was going to come and it never did. Been crampy on and off she's due sometime next week. So who knows anymore.. I'm about to throw it all out the window.. I'm totally at a standstill with my weight no idea whats going on.. I'm sure the I NEED SWEETS NOW week last week I had didn't help. I'm just SO frustrated anymore.. nothing ever goes right it seems.. something always comes up.. its like really?? Can we just catch a freaking break !?! I just have to laugh anymore..

Sleeping has sucked lately.. like seriously I will lay in bed for at least 2 hrs before I fall a sleep and I KNOW i'm tired.. last night was a little easier cause the pluming was resolved. One night I got 4 hrs because I just.. couldn't sleep! I tried everything before taking 2 tylenol 3s... which it still took forever to fall asleep.. OMG.  BLAH. I have to go put dishes away, get my lunch ready and take stuff out for dinner tomorrow.. Work again at 4 tomorrow.. The whole week actually.. because  I get to help set mods :) yay.

~Nicki

Haha

So I don't know if I wrote about this on here.. but my mom gave us an awesome coffee pot a long time ago.. it has a grinder in it.. Made by Mr. Coffee! They don't make them anymore.. we thought it was dead.. cause the brew button.. well any button worked.. but the time always did.. So we figured it just pooped out.. well before I threw it out oh 5 months ago? I plugged it in.. and low and behold it worked! So we didn't get a new one.. Well guess what its doing it again..So.. I don't know if its a simple thing like last time.. as put the lid down or its just done.. LOL Good thing we have a tiny one, but it leaks coffee grounds all over the place cause we don't have the right filters hahah .. It did this the last time I wanted my morning coffee.. which I don't have everyday!  So.. I'll will try cleaning it and making sure the lid is CLOSED. I swear.

Plumbing problems.. still there.. the water that comes up smells HORRIBLE I Spent a few time scooping it out.. hoping it was just standing water..nope what ever it's backing up on to is making it smell.. When you get to plunging either the tub or toilet it leaks out the bottom of the toilet.. UGH. I do NOT need to replace another floor! Its weird cause we replaced the wax ring about a year after we moved in.. I can't see why it would have gone bad so fast! But we have a plan.. (Can you tell we REALLY don't wanna call a plumber??) we are gonna replace the ring on the toilet.. again.. and while its off danny is gonna run the snake.. and or we will pour this gel cleaner down the hole lol. I still think danny is gonna have to try to get under the house haha.

I worked out yesterday.. and Jillian kicked my ass.. I did kind of an improvised workout today.. since I woke up late. Mostly to stretch out. Plus its getting to be busy season at work where I move and lift a ton! Still gotta step it up tho! Had a Banana for breakfast, 1/2 cup mini wheat crunch (which is super tasty) and my cup of coffee! Only 5 pts for breakfast :). I've been bad about taking my medicine! The weekend always throws me off.. My metformin is in my work bag because I take it after dinner. Whoops.

Gotta work at one all this week I think. I can't remember lol. But excited to work. because we will be setting the new mods soon!! So exciting! Means spring and summer are coming around the corner!


Ugh.. SO I added a Disney Ticker.. and then me and Danny after our 4 hour grocery shopping trip.. ! Thought.. what happens if we get pregnant.. I can't go.. I said.. if we got preggo this month or next.. it would be cutting it close.. then I was thinking.. should I do more IUIs? I really don't want to have to go thru the intermittent leave paperwork again.. it ends in June. I hate all the hypothetical questions you have to ask.. SO frustrating! I think i'm gonna stick to my plan.. if by some chance we get preggo this month or next We will have to try to change the dates.. cause we've already got our flight tickets. Part of me doesn't care if I'm preggo at Disney.. I'll be buying baby stuff GALORE. Then another part it sad. Cause I can't ride the rides.. But honestly I'll be SO ecstatic that we finally have our baby on the way. But me being Miss pessimist.. says it won't even happen. Big Sigh... I'm still thinking IUIs for April, May and June depending on where my cycles fall.

Weekends.

Sometimes I look forward to them and sometimes I don't... Lately I have been because work is just something I do during the week, even after having 5 days off I was soo looking forward to go back! Then.. you get there and remember why I was excited to have days off LOL. I just do my 8 and go home.. I don't stress out like I used to saying oh I forgot to do this.. or I didn't get this done.. I'm only one person and can only do what I can do! Unlike some of my other co-workers who worry about that place 24/7, no thanks!
  Times I like being at work .. When we start getting new stuff in for the new season! I work in the area everyone wants to be ;) and I don't plan on moving! Garden Center is AWESOME!  I do love where I work.. its the whole micro management thing I hate!  We are getting everything in for Spring.. and of course its BEAUTIFUL outside today!! Just makes me so excited :)!

  So.. On a not so fun note. Its made me kinda bummed out.. but there is nothing I can do about it.. There are 7 girls at work SEVEN pregnant.. all due around the time I would have been.. Seriously.. I must have some sort of vendetta around me. Ugh.. And then to top it off.. Everyone is still telling me to relax.. like seriously?? I didn't know not trying wasn't relaxing? My OPKs I found.. they are bad.. So I was like eh whatever.. not important.. I'm taking my BBT.. but so not at the same time everyday.. I think i've ovulated.. but my CM is so not corresponding.. So eh if it happens it happens.. I'm thinking end of April, May  we will call and start on the run for IUI's again. So until then.. we are just living life.. plain and simple not trying. Also.. Kae says she is going to try and help by researching some stuff about infertility.. Seriously? Pretty sure in 4 1/2 years of this... i've read just about everything. End Rant.


So.. still having plumbing problems..The clog has just migrated.. so now when I do the dishes.. this horrible nasty smelling water backs up into the spare tub. Ew. Gotta get root killer.. its some pretty powerful stuff LOL and hope it moves el cloggo.

Got our fed money back.. and ordered our flight tickets! So exciting! Gotta tag the ford now.. and get a new windshield for my car. And then.. who knows lol... I do know we need to go Grocery shopping!  Danny should be home in and hour.. and we gotta go up to Springs so I can return a few things. Thats about it in our neck of the woods!!

~Nicki

SO Overwhelmed!!!!

OMG.. The emotions I have been experiencing the past week have been nothing short of ridiculous. Happy, Upset, Stressed, Can't concentrate, just plain old completely OVERWHELMED.

I don't have any clue what my next step is.. we are for adoption, but I'm still a little reserved. But am willing to proceed.. I think it's because I'm not totally over having my own child. My whole thing is if we go thru with adoption.. can we still try?? Of course we can, but my brain thinks we can't.. so I need to get over it!

With the WTF fast approaching Monday, I have a slew of questions to ask.. some of which are probably not even worth asking.. But.. yeah. I want to know if we can go backwards!  Weird huh? We conceived on our first ever IUI with Femera.. If my problem is egg quality.. It helps.. cause you don't develop so fast as you do with injectables.  I'm also taking my CoQ10.. which the pills are GINORMOUS by the way. I'm going to order DH Fertility Blend for me, because well it can't hurt.  I don't know. I just want it to be here so I can get some answers!!!

My mom wants me to get a 2nd opinion.. while I would love one.. I have no where to go.. CCRM ( one of the leading clinics in the US) yeah I live where they are located...but they do not and will not accept my insurance. They will not even bill them. Even tho I have Diagnostic coverage! So Frustrating. That is the only place I would even think of going for a 2nd opinion. Because they are the next best thing next to a university clinic.. don't you think?  UGH.


Now That I have made my self get another tension headache.. I'm off to get ready for work and bang my head on a wall.

~Nicki