Never enough...

Time in  a month, week, year to accomplish what you want too! Sorry for the Hiatus.. kinda needed. We have been trying to keep busy, i'll try to recap everything that has happened since September...!

I seriously cannot believe it is December.. After Disney, where we had a blast with my family!!! Getting to spend time with my brother, sister and her family plus my mom and dad was a blast! It had  been too long, I wanna go back now.. but it will be a few years till our next visit! Of course..my period showed up.. and I forgot to pack enough necessary items.. I will say.. tampax.. in cardboard applicators.. OMG Worst ever. Travel on the way back was a disaster.. Almost like our trip down on our honeymoon stuck  for 10 hours in  Dallas.. Only this time.. We never left Orlando.. Because that was the day someone caught the air traffic control center on fire in Chicago.
   We had boarded the plane, luggage and ALL. Only to be told to deboard as well as our luggage.. and go to the help desk to try and get another flight..no one is going thru Chicago.. AWESOME. That took about and hour.. only our lady didn't pay attention and our next flight plane was coming FROM Chicago.. Delay number 1,2,3 and 4. We were supposed to leave Orlando at 8 am.. we had been up since 4:45am? We left Orlando around 4:30pm, yeah for real. We miss BOTH the connecting flights  she gave us.. the last seriously by 5 MINUETS. We were put on a standby flight to Denver... Mind that our car is in Colorado Springs..that plane was to leave at 9pm.. we prayed that we would get on. Thank god we did.. Danny's mom came and got us in Denver.. drove us to Springs airport and we got our car and drove home.. Got home at 2am. Ugh.. Then got up the next day and got our luggage in springs lol.

   October just kinda flew by.. Danny's grandmother passed away.. that took all of October.. hardly ever home. Had a serious Indian summer... its still going.. Been in the 60s :( ! We had a potential placement... it fell thru. We started attending a church and we love it! We go to life group on Tuesdays  and just enjoy it very much :) its so nice to have support and someone to go to when we need some help with anything! I had my pap.. and then talked about anxiety.. and started some medicine for that.. cause I had enough.. thankfully its a low dose and not an antidepressant. So far so good, of course some anxiety is still there, but it's so much better!  That about sums up October, very BLAH and Drama filled to say the least.

November.. My brother came for Thanksgiving. which was wonderful :) our visit wasn't long enough :(. He deploys again in January for his 3rd deployment over seas.  Work was crazy busy and exhausting...We got a call for a placement.. a new born and a 4 year old.. Yeah... We said yes.. and then it just was NOT going to work.. She was terrified of Rocky.. Sorry they are my babies too... I am not the type of person to shove them outside or leave them in a kennel all day.. Because she's fine when he is in there.. Nope sorry.. ( she had been bit by a dog and his exciting nature scared her to the point of screaming tears and running from him) She was A OK with Wrangler.. cause he's old and gentle.. Rocky is 2 1/2 years old full of puppy. Also.. my anxiety went thru the roof.. like physically ill anxiety.. NO sleep at all that night.. for the fact I don't know how to parent a 4 year old.. Infant.. I can learn with them, 4 yr old's already have some sort of routine and language barriers.. Ugh. Yeah we were a mess. This brought up a host of problems that me and danny are trying to work thru!  The lord said they were not to be our kiddos... Back to square one. Not much else but running errands and all the normal things.. don't think we had but two days at home that month LOL

And then BAM December.. Wait what!?!  Yeah holy moly.. Christmas shopping will be done  Tuesday... and then I need to start baking my goodies.. cause um year i'm gonna loose my mind LOL The month is quickly passing.. We will get our tree Tuesday too lol We just got decorated... I don't know where this year has gone.  Gotta get packages in  the mail.. and I don't think were doing Christmas cards again this year.. But that isn't the end of the world.. Although it seems like it sometimes! We will survive.. If only I could find a company that will print address on the envelopes LOL!

That's all for now! Off to go order furbabies Christmas presents...!

~Nicki

A rough go...

Lately I have been struggling with infertility lately.. its really biting at me to start trying again. We just never have the stupid money to try.. I'm thinking of switching insurance.. to see if there is better coverage out there. I also want a second opinion.. I really love my RE and the nurse staff.. they are so nice.. its been over a year since we did any sort of treatment.. we did one IUI after the failed IVF. It was of course a no go.. and then we just stopped.. we haven't even TRIED to get preggo.. and still nada.

We are just almost a week away from out 7 year anniversary.. It seems soo crazy that we have been married almost 7 years.. it seems like we are in a rut.. its been just us 2 for 8 years... we have gained one furbaby that hasn't been with us since we have been together.. all of my other animals are 7 or older.. I really want to share the feeling of family with him.. our own little family. After finishing the nursery all I can think about is how I want no one else but our baby in that nursery.. I'm sure I will feel differently when we get a placement.. if that ever happens. But right now.. with it empty that is how I feel.

I'm feeling lost.. I don't know what direction to go... do I get a second opinion now.. or just wait and let my ovaries get older and unused?? I want nothing more that to carry just ONE child.. Just one. Its all I want and nothing more.. I guess its too much to ask of anyone..

I really feel that something is wrong.. and which is why I feel strongly about a 2nd opinion.. Maybe I just need to go for it?? I'm loosing hair again.. not as bad but its noticeable.. I'm all of a sudden having a psoriasis break out, totally out of the blue they just started appearing.

The house hunt is no where near over.. we've had 3 people look at it.. no offers.. we have one tomorrow.. we think we have found our house.. but the bedroom size is the only thing that bugs me, everything else is perfect. Of Course. It is not on the market our realtor works with a couple of investors and one bought that house.. so he would fix what we wanted fix new carpet, paint etc. and of course what we want done.. and in our budget.. Both have been out of town and we haven't heard anything yet.. maybe tomorrow. I guess I should go clean for tomorrow and catch up on some shows!

~Nicki

Can I go hide in a hole??

So since we got back everything has just gone down hill.. Danny works for Department of Justice.. which is part of the federal government.. So that means NO paycheck for us! Which really blows.. it comes at a rough time of year... we're just scraping by.. and then this whole baby boom..is just depressing. I just can't handle this anymore...

I'm over trying for a baby.. last month we had sex alot even on my fertile days and NOTHING... It just SUCKS.  Everyone else is getting pregnant and moving on and having more babies.. Just found or April is preggers with number 2.

This road just seems like its getting harder and harder, and uphill climb and were no where near the end.  We can't even start trying again because of the no money thing.. nothing in savings.. bad shape.. and its only going to get worse before it gets better. I just can't put it into words how frustrated I am and how I hurt..

I hurt all the time.. every time I see a baby and just wish I could have just one.. and give it my unconditional love.. I want to adopt so bad but we have no money to do that either..  I wish something would happen for the good.. we have been ready to be parents for over 5 years.. and in that 5 years we have barely had a glimmer of hope.. 1 positive pregnancy test and 1 miscarriage all in the same week.. I honestly don't know what we have done to deserve this.. I just wish I knew so we could change it..


~Nicki

Rough times...

Just wanted to let you all know who ever reads this :) I'm still here.. Most of Feb and March have been rough. This whole baby thing has gotten me really depressed and angry.. as well as my weight.. I'm stuck and cannot get out of the mud.

My mom gave me  a week worth of Nutrisystem Sucess.. So we will see how that goes and I might order a month worth myself.. So far the food actually isn't bad! The Chocolate Chocolate chip muffin I had for breakfast was pretty darn tasty. I had my first egg since November (when I was stimming) and cross your fingers so far so good.

Its been pretty hectic around here.. redoing another bath, trying to keep my house..from um falling to shambles.. right now it looks like dog hair, paper and clothes explosion. Don't judge. Depression makes you not wanna do squat.

Got outta the house yesterday and drove to Nebraska LOL went to Cabelas and spent money.. that we actually had it was pretty awesome LOL. We went with Mike and April :) Pretty good day.

We went from no money 8 days ago for Disney to almost 200!  Pretty sweet :) also got our tickets and meal plan yay!

I cannot wait for the warmer weather so I can start sprucing up my yard and flowerbeds. Its supposed to be 77 on Friday..

I have way more to say but am out of time! Hope to update SOON when I find some motivation and time!

~Nicki