Little Face lift :)

Figured I'd make things a little springy around here. Today was so gorgeous outside! Then as soon as I got out of work it got all cloudy and cold. I hope to have an actual life update soon. This weekend is gonna be pretty busy I think.

And i'm already tired to start. ugh!

~Nicki

Sorry to Fall of the face of the earth

I just haven't had the energy to even think of posting on here even tho I have things I want to write about going thru my head on a daily basis.

One thing that is irking me right now... is I was following a private adoption blog. I asked for an invite etc.. and now all of a sudden I'm not. wtf?  If you're going to give someone permission to read then take it away after months of reading.. (because apparently I don't comment enough) at least let the person know. So when I go to read said blog I'm not left hanging on a string. I'm a private person.. I don't share information about people that I read about on blogs.. hell my family doesn't even know I have this!


Anyways. I have been feeling very lost lately... trying to understand why everyone else gets to feel and experience the joy of mother hood. Here I am.. waiting patiently for 4 1/2 years to become a mother. My marriage is still going strong but the one thing we are missing is a child. I swear If I hear ' Why don't you just adopt' one more time I might scream.. Don't you think if I could afford it I would be doing it already? IVF cost 15,000 on up.. Adoption is almost twice that.
  I don't even know if I could go through that roller coaster of emotions.. miscarriage is hard enough. I wonder how many i've really had? If I hadn't of miscarried i'd be on the verge of birth right now.  I'm starting to think kids may not be in our future. When you go this long with out anything happening you start to wonder what you are really here for.
 I don't have a college education, I don't have a trade, I'm not good at a lot of things. Why am I here? I could have sworn I was made to be a mom.. Everyone keeps saying I will be such a good mom.. Yet no one trusts me with their kids? I can't even watch one for a few hours.. let alone have a sleep over.

  Being around kids and learning of new pregnancies are really starting to bother me.. I can't say hi to a new baby with out tears welling up in my eyes anymore.. I look a baby things and clothes longingly.. when will I get to have them in my house? Will I ever get that chance? Will I ever get to a paint a nursery, change my own child's diaper?

I think I've lost hope.  I don't want to make any appt for an IVF consult because i'm afraid of the answer.. Weight. Its my biggest issues.. I should have been careless like so many other girls and not cared weather or not I got pregnant right away. I used to weigh 165 when I met my husband.. when we got married I weighed 185. Now.. 245. I don't know what happened. I honestly don't.. now i'm miserable. I have a closest full of clothes that don't fit.. but i'm keeping for the day I might. 165 is a long ways away.  I have no one to help me through that journey anymore.


I guess that's enough tears for one night.. Off to bed.

~Nicki

Busy Bee.

Ugh.. Well between my my allergies acting up, loving on Miss Chloe, getting ready for inventory at work and now Danny hurting his wrist. I haven't had much time to blog. Trying to think of how to start this!

Well for one thing i've been kinda bummed out lately about me and danny's relationship. We've kinda lost the romance in our relationship. I think most of it is when we go over to Mike and April's I see them being all lovey and mushy toward each other and I notice that me and Danny don't do that. Possibly because we've been together 6 yrs... Crazy. Maybe we are approaching the 7 yr itch? We will be married 5 years. 5 years in July! Crazy thoughts.. but we're doing ok.. Danny is trying harder... ( He used to spoil me with Flowers all the time and little things like that)  And i'm trying to try harder too.

Work has been tiring to say the least.  Inventory was yesterday thankfully that is all over with!  Now we will get our NEW assistant.. Thank God no more Don. He is horrible.. We call him a little hitler.. yeah I know.. its bad but he is so rude! Ugh.. Spring is around the corner..Yay!

Taxes finally came in.. My 250 is burning a hole in my pocket!! But it has to wait for Girls Day with Kayla :). My DVR is bursting at the seems.. I haven't watched shows in like 2 weeks. We're always over at Mike and April's or somewhere (Mostly over there loving on Chloe!) She is the sweetest little thing.. Makes me sad at the same time.. But I think we just might get to babysit the little munchkin once in a while! Of course when she gets a bit older.. But i'm a diaper changing pro now hahah and getting better at dressing munchkins!

I think it was last Thursday.. Danny called me at work.. 15 min before I left work... I only worked a 4 hr shift! Saying he was on his way to the hospital because he hurt his wrist.. Well he had Friday and Saturday Off, then our 2 days off. At the appt on Monday they scheduled him to start Physical Therapy on thursday.. Then Yesterday he called me at work saying he was on his way back to the workmans comp Dr. .. Goody. So they are going to schedule him for an MRI on his wrist to make sure nothing is torn, or anything.

So thats the haps here around the house... Ugh I can't wait for my 4 day weekend coming up soon.

 Also.. turning 26 sucked. I don't wanna get older!!! *whine* I need to call RE we're so ready for the next step.

~Nicki

The rest of the Challenge!

Sorry we have been fairly busy with life lately :)  But here is the final few days of the 30 day blog post challenge!


Day 27 - Talk about a time when you made someone in your life understand more about infertility.
 I try to do this anytime I get the chance.. So its not just once in my life.. its an everyday occurrence!

 Day 28 - What do you use the “nursery” for right now? If you already had a baby, what did you use it for before pregnancy? It is used as the Cats room right now :) They are pretty spoiled.


 Day 29 - If you had known that you would have trouble conceiving, what would you have done differently in life? If you already knew, did that knowledge affect your other life choices? I would have tried to been healthier, been more active.. Never went on BC. Knowing that these things I have done may have made Endometriosis grow.

Day 30 -Tell us about a friendship you lost or a relationship that changed for the worse because of infertility. I'm not sure i'm at this point yet.. But my relationship with my mom has become a bit rocky because its very hard to make her understand infertility. Only because she says 'well i've never gone thru this so I don't know' and then just drops the subject. So it kinda hurts.

I promise I will have an actual update soon! Hopefully tonight!

~Nicki

Sigh... Sorry Been a bit.. Blah.

Day 22 - What was the first baby or pregnancy-related purchase you ever made? Was it before or after you started trying to conceive? Or was it after you were already pregnant? Why did you choose that particular item to buy first? If you haven’t purchased anything yet, why not?
 I bought a Winnie the Pooh Blanket, about a month after starting TTC. I Chose it because it was soft and cuddly and just knew in a few months or so it would have a baby snuggled in it. Now it sits in a bag with clothes and other blankets....just waiting.


 Day 23 - Talk about how you chose your RE. I really didn't have much of a choice.. it was just a chore getting a referral... Thankfully I love her :)


 Day 24 - If a very observant stranger were to walk into your house, what clues could lead them to believe that you have struggled with infertility? I keep everything pretty much hidden away. Except prenatal vitamins when I have them. But if they were to dig around they would find Pre-seed lubraciant in my drawer and OPKs under the sink *lol* Other than that I don't have anything

 Day 25 - Have you ever bonded with someone IRL over infertility? Nope.. No one I know personally have gone thru this. Except my one of my many cousins and I don't talk to her.

  And for Tomorrow...

 Day 26 - Were you the product of infertility? Was anyone you know the product of infertility? How do you know? Or do you just suspect based on circumstances like age differences between siblings, time between marriage and conception, etc. Nope and Nope.. I know no one who was... nor was I.

Day 20 and 21

 Day 20 - Discuss how you found your way into the ALI ( Adoption, Loss and Infertility) community, and what being part of it has meant to you – good and bad.
   I wandered into this community in August of 2008, after only 4 months of trying. Growing up I just had that womanly intuition, I call it, that I would have trouble trying to conceive. The good: Low and Behold in October 2009 we went to our first OB where I got the diagnosis that I had PCOS ( Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome). I went home and googled like crazy and stumbled upon my 2nd home, Fertility Community . The ladies on there have helped me through so much, knowing that there are other couples out their experiencing what we are going through  helps me more than just having a diagnosis. Which by the way is PCOS and DOR (Diminished Ovarian Reserve) OR you could say, I came across this early today.. Not so farm fresh eggs hahah!   The Bad: Being apart of other couples lives who are enduring the pain of ALI, what hurts is the ones who get the joy of becoming parents before some other ladies.. like in my case we're still waiting for our turn and hope that it will come soon.


 Day 21 - If you had gotten pregnant that first month you started trying, how would you have been a different parent? What changes have you made to your parenting style (either current or future) in the time you spent trying to conceive?
       Well.. considering I don't have a kid.. I can't really change parenting styles? I don't have a parenting style so to speak.. But when we do have kids i'm sure we will have our issues on which way is better.. All I know is that if I have a daughter, I will tell her everyday how beautiful she is, I will never tell her she needs to loose weight.. Plain and simple. My mother does tell me i'm beautiful... but on the other side.. I am heavier and always tells me I need to loose weight.
    One thing my parents did with me and my brother I will follow when I have kids. I never had a curfew. As long as my parents knew where we were and we checked in, they never asked or said a time. (Now granted when Dating Danny the 4 am time wasn't something my mom liked) Hahah but other times I had enough common sense to come home at a reasonable hour.
  Since it has taken it so long to conceive... I feel like I will win the mother of the year award *lmao* because I see what NOT to do with kids.. and learn from people who have some awesome kids.. and get their secrets ;)  Also.. Working in retail helps.. Like.. Don't give your kids something to hold and then take it away from them because.. Oh wait we aren't buy it.. Bring your own crap. Or take the UPC off if your buying it.. then you won't have and upset child.
  I do hear alot i'm going to be a great mother.. Well Can I get my turn then??  I think I will be too.. I'm ready to put my knowledge to the test. Even tho I may not be the best diaper and clothes changer, I'm BEYOND ready and so is Danny.

I knew this would happen!

Day 17,18,19 and 20

Day 17 - Discuss the most ridiculous thing you ever heard about conception. Where did you hear it? Did it work for someone else? Did you try it? Standing on your head.. I heard it from numerous fertile myrtles. I have never heard it working for anyone.. and NO have have not tried that.

 Day 18 - Besides Mothers Day, what is the hardest holiday for you as an infertile? The Holidays. Plain and simple... watching joy in other kids faces and knowing that Christmas morning.. I don't get to see it.. Or all the family coming over for Thanksgiving playing with cousins.. we don't get to experience that.. And would so love to.

 Day 19 - Write a letter (one that you never have to send) to a fertile in your life. Did they hurt you? Support you? Tell them how you feel, all the things you can’t bring yourself to say in person.  Hate to break it to you.. But i'm skipping this one.. as I do not have someone in my life that I know this well and that is a Fertile.

I'll do Day 20 and the 21 tomorrow. I'm just to tired.. Aunt Flo show up completely unannounced on the 1st. Awesome.

~Nicki