Argh!

So... I've realized.. that I am SO at the bitter/angry stage of this whole infertility thing.. Such as.. why can't it be me... If my 350lb + cousing can get preggo.. why the fuck can't I? I'm not THAT over weight seriously!?! My sister is having her 2nd due in January.. and Here I am.. 2 years and some odd months.. still no baby.. Do I not deserve to be a mom? Or do I have to be in my 40s just to have ONE!?

We have never thought of adoption.. everyone keeps telling me there are plenty of kids out there who need homes.. Yes I know. Thanks. I just don't think its for us. But we will cross that bridge when we get there.. We're not even close yet.

I'm just so fustrated.. Money seems to be tight as always.. even getting rid of bills.. WTF!? We still have no heater... its getting colder.. Joy. Car needs tags.. still have NOT gotten the paper too see how much they are.. They are due in 9 days.. Not cool. So fustrating.. all we have to eat in my house is Chicken and Deer.. and NO sides... Pretty bland.

Argh.. I'm pretty sure this cycle is a bust. I'm very irritable which usually means i'm Super PMSy... joy! Oh well.. only 9dpo so far.. few more to go.

~Nicki ( yes i know this post was negative.. So sue me.. Its MY blog!)

*sigh*

Haven't been in the mood to blog lately.. not much going on.. 8dpo right now.. first cycle temping and my temps have been up for 8 days straight! Which means I have ovulated :)

Just been plugging along working funky hours.. making me really tired. I'm trying not to overanyalze or over think everything such as symptoms and such. Im just trying to let things take its course. Its kinda working haha but sometimes I'm like I hope I am I wish it was our time.. etc.

As far as the weight thing.. It kinda went out the window like it always does.. But I am trying to watch what I eat. I did buy some Special K granola cereal.. I cannot believe that the serving size is 1/2 cup.. That is WAY too much!! I barely had that and was full in a few bites.


Today is just chilling watching TV and doing some house work.. My spare room has a floor again! Woot! My house is clean :) Its exciting.. now for some laundry!

~Nicki

I'm tired...

I'm tired of hearing.. just wait it will happen...

I'm tired of hearing...your young.. You try for 2 years or longer and then tell me how you feel...

I'm tired of hearing... it will happen.. Yeah when i'm old and can only give birth to one child and not give them a sibling...

I'm tired of being tired with this journey.. We are at the same place we were 2 years ago.. only difference 4 medicated cycles.. and a surgery.. and No baby.

I had an inckling when I was getting older that I would have problems having kids.. this goes to show.. Never underestimate a woman intuition.. here we are.. having problems.. And its ALL ME. I feel useless.. broken and unfixable...

I know other ladies try longer before even achieving pregnancy.. but I can't help but feel like its been so long... I wonder what would have happend if we never used condoms and just BC? Would I have a 3 or 4 year old and be working on my 2nd with this problem? What would have happend if I never would have used that morning after pill because I was too scared of becoming pregnant at the time because I was too young at 21? What if.. why does life have a ton of what ifs? It sucks.. let me tell you...

I want a Dr that is going to want me to have a baby as bad I want to have one NOW. I Have yet to find this Dr.. apparently I might not be being proactive enough??

I want to take herbal supplements.. every where it says wait 3 months. Well you know what if your body needs it.. it will use it. So I say screw 3 months I'm going to still try anyways.. taking the vitamins or not.. It shouldn't kill me.

Thats how i've been feeling.. TIRED OF WAITING.

~Nicki

Why is it...

That a really hot country singer that looks so awesome in Wranglers and a Cowboy hat.. can totally just make my day?

Yes.. if I could just meet Jason Aldean.. I would be set for life.. He gives me the chills.. and when my husband wears his Levi's he does the same thing ;)

Hearing him sing "Heaven" With Bryan Adams.. Oh My God.. I just melt.. everything goes away.. just for a little while...it acoustic to beat..which makes it even better. This song should be on his next album.. even tho I know it won't be.. Which will be out in November. Two good things come in November.. Harry Potter and Jason's new CD :)


As you can tell.. I'm not having a good day.. Today is a crappy day.. I got hit on by some creepy dude.. I was helping him out with the lawn mower he just bought.. when I hear from behind me ' You look good behind that' I'm thinking OMG.. did you just say that.. BYE Hope to NEVER see you again!!! *GAG* THEN after lunch.. I Totally got farted on by some lady.. I CLEARLY heard her while I was down putting something on a shelf.. it was pretty audiable.. She didn't even apologize.. How Rude!

Then.. my mom called.. I want to go back to school SOOO BAD... Walmart sucks..But its a job... I screwed up my life royally by loosing that permit on base to be a dental assitant.. I'm always going to regret that. So I'm stuck at walmart.. no way to pay for any type of schooling.. It sucks.. I want a baby.. It seems like I can't have anything..

UGH.. I'm done for the night.. going to cry away a few boxes of tissues.. and call it good...

~Nicki

Experiment

I am going to attempt a weight loss experiment.. Going to start with Just eating the recommended serving that is listed on what I eat.. while staying a little under 1900 claories a day.. Since I've already eaten today with out looking hahah! ( it says that if I stay at a certian amount of calories I'll loose about a 1lb a week, which is healthy :) )

I'll start tomorrow! And then If that doesn't go to well.. I'm going to buy a new weight watchers calculator.. because sadly mine has lived its last breath :( BUT amazon.com I can get a used one for 25 bucks!! SCORE! Instead of like 40.. Thank you Stacey and ladies on my fourm that you can get the same stuff cheaper online :) Woot!

Can you tell i'm excited? Also need to start getting up and working out.. even if its for only 10 Min.. i'll work my way up.

ALSO going to look into herbal supplements for boosting fertility or possibly balancing out hormones :) I know of about 3 evening primrose, bee pollen and royal jelly. SO That is that..

I am finally getting motivation to get this ball rolling.. I would like not to set a goal for myself BECAUSE then I feel like I can't do it.. Whatever I lose I lose! To me this is realistic, because I always think goals are hard and unatainable.. thanks to my negative nature. Boo.

Danny hates that.. Hahah I always tell him we can't plan for things and such cause you never know what will happen or come up etc. Same thing with attempting to loose weight.. It would be awesome to have someone close by to try this with.. but hate to admit it... I don't Oh well! I will trudge along on my own.. Tomorrow starts a fresh start.. and I hope somewhere along the way a Baby will pop in !

~Nicki

Deflated....

Well...our appt did not go as planned.. we hoped to hear fantastic news! Instead we didn't.. We heard that my endo was severe... apparently you could not see my left ovary or tube when he went in. But it was all cleaned up and the kink was in my right tube.. SO I was just F'd up all the way around! I hope that this increases our chances.. as he is not willing to do medicated cycles until I get a 2nd opinion.

Why may you ask? Well apparently he wants to see if giving me Lupron Depot for 6 months.. (If I chose too) would be the best way to go.. or what treatment would be best for me. Joy huh? Yeah no. I've read some things about Lupron Depot.. AND have not heard of anyone with taking this drug.. plus the side effects are not appealing.. If I wanted to go thru menopause i'd ask to. Plus.. its supposed to 'reset' your hormones.. but all of my bloodwork came back great?


On Danny's side... He has 'over achievers' in the motility and volume department... BUT not in the morphology department, he's the lowest there. But the Dr. that did the analysis said that with his motilty and morphology being so high that it should not affect fertility. But Dr. R would like to get him checked out too see if it could possibly be fixed. We're cool with that...


So I was a mess.. I'm lost I don't know what to do or think.. I had a few break downs after that. But as the day wore on I'm thinking.. He never mentioned trying naturally.. or anything.. he said that I probably don't ovulate.. but I get post OPKs? And I have a period every month? I was confused on that one.. Any thoughts??

But we're going to try this month and see what happens.. I'm on CD 10 so just about right. We will make his appt and probably wait on mine incase this month gives me a rare Postive on a preggo test. After all I am cleaned out and unkinked.. After my worst period EVER. I passed a lot of tissue.. I'm hoping thats a good thing... We will see.. I'm trying not to think about it.. he did mention that does apparently cause issues... being stressed about the situation.. Well.. Sorry I can't help but think about it! I'm going to try this month... try not think about it.. Overly much. But I cannot make any garuntees.. I need to loose weight..i'm working on Gideons scrapbook... That and loosing weight I would hope help me keep my mind off of it.. and leave it in Gods hands to see if he will bless us with our miracle we so desperatly want.

Its killing me to see how wonderful my husband is with kids... babies and the like. I wish for nothing more for me to give him a child of his own.

~Nicki taking it one day at a time...