Don't know what is wrong..

I'm at a weird place right now.. I just feel weird... Danny got his Pera check yesterday.. $32,000 and some change. I can't believe it actually got here that fast and was more than we expected. I should be happy knowing that we will be saving over 900 dollars a month.. NOT paying debt... But I find my self stressed?? We are getting me a new car.. exactly what I want.. ordered from the factory no miles except what I put on it.. Crazy. I'm getting the Ford Edge. But at the same time I feel bad because I shouldn't be doing this..we should relish in having extra money a month.. We still will but.. you know.. we've never had over 600 sitting in the bank at one time... for over a week.. its weird.. to not be freaking out about money going 'Oh we only have 30 bucks to last us 2 weeks till I get pd'

   Yeah.. we went and bought our tile for the floor and the 180 bucks didn't break the bank. Because we still have money in their.. WEIRD. After living this way for almost 7 years.. its just plain WEIRD. Tomorrow we are getting up early.. depositing the check.. going to Pueblo to pay off One main and our Debt consolidation loan.. That in itself is almost 600 dollars a month in savings..  How on earth did we get there?  Crazy to think that we will only have one maybe 2  bills left after we pay off everything and get rid of my car. Of course we will still have house, cars and insurance and normal utility bills. I'm just in shock.. We can actually save up for things and do what we would like to do.. have a decent Christmas and actually AFFORD a Baby. Now.. we just need one.. That is something else we will be doing when he gets back from Georgia.


I honestly think... we are going thru the 7 year itch.. I mean I don't want to leave.. but we just need to rekindle what we had.. I feel as if we are on repeat nothing exciting ever happens.. romance is like.. NIL we need to get away even for just a weekend. But that won't be happening anytime soon. He goes back to Monday Tuesday off so we only have Mondays together.. I wish I knew stuff to make us feel like us again.. I just don't know where to start. Maybe getting my house out of a state of shambles will help.. OMG I'm going to go insane. Our bedroom looks like  a war zone.. I'll leave it at that.

Danny asked me last night if there is anything I WANT with the money besides a car.. I couldn't think of anything last night.. except he should know.. I really want a Dyson.. How lame is that ... I can choose anything and I pick a vacuum..?! A vacuum for pete's sake!!! I should have said a puppy LMAO.. Yeah thats asking for stress x1000 J/K Not for another few years hahahah

Now that I threw my self in to an anxiety attack.. and that this post is ALL OVER the place (sorry) I need to go vacuum.. and dust.. BADLY.

~Nicki

Some 'soul' Searching...

I think is in order.. Not sure where this road called life is taking me right now..But its been pretty difficult to say the least. It just seems some people I considered as friends .. good friends once we've just drifted apart.. People get married have kids and life goes on.. You only get stuck with a few good ones throughout your life.

  I posted a post on facebook last night
 I always feel like I try to hard at friendships...and you shouldn't have to. You should always pick up where you left off as if you haven't spoken in 20 years. I only have a few friends like this.... you know who you are. ♥
 On of the people I figured would like or comment on the post.. Didn't.. Granted I probably made her mad in an early text but still.. Its never been an issue till recently. Make me wonder if i'm even still considered a friend.. even tho I'm her son's Godmother... Which I don't think means what it should to her. A godmother should have a special bond with her godson.. Which I don't have. Her other friend is more of a godmother than me. Yeah I may not have to time to spend time with him every weekend but.. I sure try... Living over 2 hours apart and only 2 days a week off in the time I have to get things done around the house and might have some time to spend with my husband.. I hardly get to ever see Kayla because.. well we are adults now and work and have personal lives.. Its easier to see friends when they live close.. put distance in that factor and it becomes hard. I hardly even get to see my parents on a monthly basis.. heck i'm lucky to see them every 3 months!!

I've heard from someone that I don't try to spend time with them.. That is not the case.. just like her we have a money budget as well and can't go everywhere we would like when we want.. Maybe sometimes it would be nice if people would come see us? We can do things.. there are lots of outdoor things to do here that would be awesome for a kid to learn about, heck they might even go home tired!  But I guess i'll just keep doing what i'm doing and keep getting talked about behind me back.. at how horrible of a friend I am.

Also.. I'm not scared to be around other peoples kids.. Sure It might hurt a little bit..but if I can enrich a kids life and make them feel loved by someone other than their mommy and daddy I feel pretty good.. It gives me hope that one day I might be a mom.. Plus hearing that I will make a good mommy one day.. makes me feel pretty darn good. Just because  i'm infertile doesn't mean I don't  like kids.. I love and adore kids.. it pains me to see kids getting mistreated, sure pregnant belly's make my heart hurt.. but I love squishing munchkins cheeks and giving baby kisses and tickles. So don't assume I don't like being around kids.. It helps me learn what not to do as a mommy and what to do to succeed.

So I think I need to figure out where i'm at in life.. I sure don't like to get drunk all the time anymore every once in a while a few drinks is nice.. but not all the time. I love to go shopping with girl friends.. make my home look and smell pretty :) I love doing crafts, try new recipes and make my husband happy.We are more than happy to go to a friends house and eat some dinner and watch some television :) thats our idea of a good time nowadays LOL.!! We are constantly working to make our relationship better everyday. Some days are of course worse than others.. where you're just not sure what you want out of life but then you realize you have everything you could ever want and need (minus a baby in our case). I take back all I said to Danny yesterday.. after I realized I am happy.. I just have sad moments where life just comes to a head and I can't take it anymore I focus on all the bad thins that make my life seem miserable.

I have 2 wonderful doggies and 3 wonderful kitties ( I still can't stop thinking about that kitten) and a husband who love me for who I am and that's all that matters

~Nicki

Super BLAH.

Ugh.. Wish is was October already.. (i'm going to regret posting that) But I do... I still am not sure if we will get approved or not.. but I can hope. We argued back and fourth between getting me a new car.. we almost did it but the payments were just out of reach. SO. Yeah.. plus they didn't.. well couldn't find what I wanted in the Year or color.. Then a few days later I found 2.. I was pretty peeved. So.. I kept pestering Danny but he didn't say or do anything.. so I gave up.

Just so frustrating.. after driving a new car and thinking that I might just get one. Nope Danny decided that we should wait.. So once again I have to choose.. Baby or Car.. Its either wait try to get reapproved, or get a new car.. Its stupid. I hate life sometimes.

My house is a mess. I have no urge to clean...My parents are coming tomorrow to start redoing our floor... Its hotter than hell in my house.. because the swamp cooler pump went out.. FML.

PS: I almost brought home a cute little grey and white kitten <3 p="p">
~Nicki

Do not pass go do not collect $200

So.. we got officially denied.. we only got approved for 6 thousand..Um.. Yeah sure let me pull a little over 10 grand out of my ass. Here yah go. I kinda laughed.. its like I'm not apply for this because I can afford the other half here people!! SO... I was pretty upset.. but then reality set in and we can try again in Oct/Nov when we have 2 major bills paid off.

Everyone thinks Danny is stupid cashing out his PERA.. well here's the thing.. he's not going back to the state... SO why leave 30 grand we can use for things sitting until he's 60? Yeah so.. I don't care how much taxes I have to pay.. we need that money now.. to make our life better. IE paying off our debt consolidation and one of my husbands loans and a few smaller things.. all while putting away money for the taxes.

We were thinking of paying off my car.. but April and Mike came over last night with their new truck LOL. I'm going with them today to see about the possibility of trading in my car for an SUV. I don't think I'll do it unless they get me a super sweet deal with a payment I can  handle. I love that working with Wal-Mart I can get employee pricing as if I work for the dealership its pretty sweet :) So we will see.. If not we're waiting.. impatiently for September. It seems SO far away. Next thing I know It will be Christmas..Ha. 

PS: I don't really want to get rid of my car.. because I love it.. Its the car I always wanted.  BUT its getting up there in miles..and if we end up with munchkins later down the  road.. its just too tiny ( i'd hate to cram a a car seat in it) But... such is life.. Plus I don't owe very much on it.

UGH.. Such is life.. I know everything is going to work out the way it needs to go.. But i'm so over everything not going the way I want it too.

That's it in our neck of the woods.. I can't remember if I posted about the bathroom floor fiasco.. So not looking forward to that.

~Nicki

When anxiety attacks.

My chest gets heavy and its hard to breathe.. and I become very shaky and jittery. These just started 2 days ago when we learned our initial loan did not get approved for our IVF.. We were devastated... Our hopes of having a child just go ripped out of our hand. While texting a good friend that this had just happened.. they offered to cosign with us.. How could we ever accept that, how could we ever thank them? My parents had already said no.. don't even know why I asked. Me and Danny took a while to think it over since Saturday Sunday they aren't open. We just reapplied taking their gracious offer.. and are just waiting.. I'm praying with everything I have right now that it works.. we couldn't go with the actual offer we wanted which was 2 fresh and 2 frozen.. we had to go with 1 fresh and 1 frozen..


If this doesn't work we have to wait.. until after the start of the new year to reapply. After more bills are paid. I just don't think I have the patience to wait this long.. but I guess I will have to make it work in my head.. I can't imagine what some women feel like waiting longer than 4 years.


Waiting is horrible.. Yesterday before they came over I thought something was wrong with me.. I've never had and anxiety attack before.. sometimes I feel super anxious but never have any physical symptoms before. Well yesterday I thought I was having a serious problem with my Birth Control.. IE Blood clot, heart attack, because my test was feeling kind of tight and  I had to keep taking deep breaths... and I couldn't stop shaking as if my blood sugar was low. I was on the verge of calling my RE.. BUT my Nurse called and I explained it to here and everything that is happening. She said it sounds like anxiety but would talk to the Dr and get back to me.. well she never did so I'm assuming all is ok since i've been on BC for over a week.


On top of all of this horrible news.. We discovered where a leak from our bathroom is coming from.. when our hot water heater went out the one pipe we didn't replace.. failed.. and has been leaking.. for quite some time.. so we will be shelling out $200-300 to re do my entire floor.. including the sub floor.. and tile.. Danny had to get under the house to turn off the main water to fix the leak.. and it was a mud pit and the floor was soaking wet and dripping.. I about died. So.. yeah.. there is a ton of anxiety in my life right now.. I can feel the attacks coming on.. and try to reassure myself that everything will work out in God's time.. and that it will all be ok in the end.. And they start to subside.. sometimes.. Work should be interesting.

Thats what happening in my life.. besides.. my garden doing WONDERFUL. Life has been ok.. just trying to chug along... Now I have to go make breakfast and finish my lunch and check on my ornery furchild...

PS: I actually made myself a decent cup of coffee....:)

~Nicki

Uh..

So.. I start Birth control tomorrow.. what? How did that happen!? Where did the time go !?  Yeah.. Now i'm going crazy because we have to get the financing in order and all that good stuff. Danny starts his new job monday.. OMG OVERLOAD.

I need to figure out some stress relief ...i'm hoping with BC that some weight will fall off because my hormones will balance out.. I've lost about 10lbs since Mayish.. so this might be the little jumpstart I need!

Just need to take a deep breath.. everything will work out just fine.

Just a quick update.. I can't believe we are finally here!

~Nicki

Wits end...?

I think I may be approaching this.. THANK GOD my vacation.. well more or less..Staycation starts tomorrow at 4. For 9 glorious days I will not have to work.. Then Danny starts his job with the Feds.. YES FINALLY!!! On Monday the 16th :) Here's a run down of whats been going on in our neck of the woods...

- Ornery Puppy. I think I might go crazy with Rocky just by himself. I think I found something that doesn't understand the word NO or his name.

-Waiting for my next period.. in hopes of starting IVF.. We are still totally in limbo.. We just don't have a date on when he will go to Georgia.. is has to be with in his first 60 days.. So.. Yeah  If we do it and then he gets his date after his 2 weeks.. we will SO be screwed. I kinda need him here.. LOL and want him here!

-My house is falling apart.. we have decided to fix/spruce it up and sell.. Refinancing did not go as planned...Our 2nd mortgage (that we were told was not going to exist) pretty much screwed us over!

- My house is such bad shape.. I really just need to pack crap up and be done with it LOL but I have attachment issues.. yeah.. 8 yrs later and I still have clothes from HS and think I will fit into them again one day?

- I stopped working out.. almost 2 weeks.. didn't even see results not even a 1lb. even tho the RE's office said so? Clothes still fit the same if not worse! But I haven't gained any back.. even tho.. I have the worst/ longest craving ever for BURGERS.. The only thing I think of eating for dinner.. is a Burger.. don't care where its from.. just a BURGER.

- I get to watch Chloe on Sunday and Monday because he sil is camping :) we watched her last Monday too.. I sure hope we don't get Miss Cranky Chloe again on Sunday!  I would like Happy Chloe :)


- Um.. Its actually rained.. More than 5 seconds! 


-My garden is doing lousy.. its huge and green but hardly any veggies...Need to fertilize on Vacay!

-Can I hire a maid?

- The plan while we're off is to redo the kitchen cabinets.. repaint my door trim from shit brown to white.. then we have to repaint the walls eventually too. Um and maybe clean the house lmao.

Thats about it in my world.. besides my horrible cranky mood, snapping at everything and everyone... and super sleepyness and craving.

~Nicki

PS: I think I may loose it.. I hope not hahah I have alot to get done in 9 days! With out over doing it!