Frustrated and Stressed.

This is so not the blog post I had in mind.. Needless to say Doc and Volt got into it on Wednesday evening and are spending a little while apart.. Volt has no issues with Bean... Volt got Doc on the eye and Volt is having issues with a back paw.. So hopefully its off to the vet tomorrow.. UGH! NOT what I needed right now!!! Just when things were getting better :(

Also.. my nose has been causing me issues for the past week and a half...I literally wake up not being able to breath. So therefore I stay awake for the next Hour to two hours trying to get at least one clear nostril.. Its making me very irritable and grouchy.. I think an appt to my Dr or and ENT is in order.. I'm so sick of this...  (

 Then today.. we took Wrangler to the dog park and a while later after we were hanging out at Stacey's he wouldn't stop throwing up!  That was around 3:30.. he threw up once on the way home.. then 4 times in the house and 4 times outside.. Ugh.. Stace said try some rice.. we've been ok since then.. So  I dunno what happened!

I have 4 ugly cold sores to prove the stress that has been happening. Please go away.. i'd like to be normal again and not look like a scary monster.

~Nicki

Little Face lift :)

Figured I'd make things a little springy around here. Today was so gorgeous outside! Then as soon as I got out of work it got all cloudy and cold. I hope to have an actual life update soon. This weekend is gonna be pretty busy I think.

And i'm already tired to start. ugh!

~Nicki

Sorry to Fall of the face of the earth

I just haven't had the energy to even think of posting on here even tho I have things I want to write about going thru my head on a daily basis.

One thing that is irking me right now... is I was following a private adoption blog. I asked for an invite etc.. and now all of a sudden I'm not. wtf?  If you're going to give someone permission to read then take it away after months of reading.. (because apparently I don't comment enough) at least let the person know. So when I go to read said blog I'm not left hanging on a string. I'm a private person.. I don't share information about people that I read about on blogs.. hell my family doesn't even know I have this!


Anyways. I have been feeling very lost lately... trying to understand why everyone else gets to feel and experience the joy of mother hood. Here I am.. waiting patiently for 4 1/2 years to become a mother. My marriage is still going strong but the one thing we are missing is a child. I swear If I hear ' Why don't you just adopt' one more time I might scream.. Don't you think if I could afford it I would be doing it already? IVF cost 15,000 on up.. Adoption is almost twice that.
  I don't even know if I could go through that roller coaster of emotions.. miscarriage is hard enough. I wonder how many i've really had? If I hadn't of miscarried i'd be on the verge of birth right now.  I'm starting to think kids may not be in our future. When you go this long with out anything happening you start to wonder what you are really here for.
 I don't have a college education, I don't have a trade, I'm not good at a lot of things. Why am I here? I could have sworn I was made to be a mom.. Everyone keeps saying I will be such a good mom.. Yet no one trusts me with their kids? I can't even watch one for a few hours.. let alone have a sleep over.

  Being around kids and learning of new pregnancies are really starting to bother me.. I can't say hi to a new baby with out tears welling up in my eyes anymore.. I look a baby things and clothes longingly.. when will I get to have them in my house? Will I ever get that chance? Will I ever get to a paint a nursery, change my own child's diaper?

I think I've lost hope.  I don't want to make any appt for an IVF consult because i'm afraid of the answer.. Weight. Its my biggest issues.. I should have been careless like so many other girls and not cared weather or not I got pregnant right away. I used to weigh 165 when I met my husband.. when we got married I weighed 185. Now.. 245. I don't know what happened. I honestly don't.. now i'm miserable. I have a closest full of clothes that don't fit.. but i'm keeping for the day I might. 165 is a long ways away.  I have no one to help me through that journey anymore.


I guess that's enough tears for one night.. Off to bed.

~Nicki