I wish I could scream.

I just want to scream and cry and throw a big fit. Instead.. I'm just pouting and not talking except in short sentences... Just drew a blank...


So I'm so over trying for a baby... I'm just at that point I have no hope left.. when you have put everything you have into something and get nothing in return. Everytime you see that negative staring back at you, you just get a little more deflated each time.. Well i've been delfated so much I just have no air left to deflate... That's how i'm feeling right now.. Deflated.. beyond deflatedness.. If thats possible.

I'm going to go to try and have a good weekend and drink a massive amount of wine... (hopefully hahah ) See my brother for our once a year visit.. which sucks, and try not to argue with my mom or be in a bad mood.. this should be interesting. Gotta go finish laundry then bed.

Disconnected.

That's how i'm feeling right now.. Very disconnected.. from work, from my marriage, from everything. Not sure how to get it back to where it was. I haven't talked to Danny yet.. I was going to.. but he decided to have a few drinks after taking his meds for his back.. and well He's asleep in bed after I told him to not fall asleep on the couch.. it would probably not help his back. SO.. That will have to wait.. and probably not till tomorrow night. Having our Thanksgiving tomorrow early afternoon.

I feel a giant meltdown coming on. Don't think its gonna be very pretty! I'm just sick of everything need a change massive.. BUT we all know that won't happen. Ugh.. Not looking forward to cooking a bunch tomorrow in a rush like always.

I need a double oven.

In the meantime while I dream of that.. Gonna watch Dancing with the Stars then maybe do my floor and go to bed.. I'm tired too slept like SHIT last night!!! Took a nap.. but i'm still tired.. Ugh..

~Nicki

Desicions Decisions...

So.. this cycle didn't work.. Which goes to show me it doesn't matter HOW positive you are... Now me and Danny have a decison to make... Do a few more IUIs or Move onto IVF. After thinking so long that its gonna be the only thing that works for me.. The thought of it freaks me out.. Its a big process...requires alot of time... If I get preg My vacation time I wouldn't be able to use.. plus using my sick and personal for LOA to take off at transfer time. Its alot to think about.. hopefully we're on the road to better money. So we could have a few months worth of saving after having a munchkin.

We're looking into a company that my clinic works with to finance IVF.. its says everyones approved.. so we'll have to see about that and there is a refund garuntee program if you don't bring home a baby. You can purchase 1 (fresh, frozen),2 (2 fresh, 2 frozen), or 3(3 fresh, 3 frozen) IVfs. I think we would go for the 2 or 3?? Depends on the clinic tho which ones they offer..

I have SO many questions.. and don't even know where to start! How many would my RE transfere? Am I poor responder? Are my eggs worth it? It is worth it to us to do more IUIs? I need to call and make an appt for an IVF consult.. I need to find out their stats too..

One thing that really bugs me.. is we have one of the best IVF clinics in the country (CCRM) .. in the state I live in.. But as far as I know they do not do any financing options that i'm aware of... and I think its all the way in Denver. The sister clinic to my clinic I go to is in Auoura.

So.. thats whats going on in our neck of the woods.. We did say after 4 our 5 IUIs we'd move onto IVF. If we have a consult we probably wouldn't start cycling till February or March. I'm GOING to loost some weight..

IN other news.. SO READY for this year to be over.. I swear we've spent every month BROKE. So sick of doing advances on our bank, living pay check to pay check. My mom dropped of Bailey last night and left a check for watching him.. it was 300 dollars.. Way more than I expected. We're just gonna sit on it, cept for a few things we need form the store.. like Eggs hahah. Then hopefully after the new year we can start working on medical bills from RE.

The good stuff that happend this year was pretty minimal.. and the bad that happend well.. was just bad. I think the Chemical right before we left for our anniversary was the worst.. It just hasn't been our year. I'm ready to start fresh. I'm sure Danny is too. Please Lord let 2012 be our Year!

Also.. I need some reassurance.. which.. I don't know where to get.. I wish there was thing that told you the right and wrong decision! Oh well.. Dannys at training.. and I need to feed myself.. cause i'm hungry.. and maybe do some pinning.. Its only the best thing ever invented.

~Nicki

Slacker.

Yep thats me.. I've been slacking.. I'm blaming it on the weather.

Well the rest of the cycle went smooth sailing.. So to speak! I ended up with 1 maybe 2 follicles.. Biggest being around 17mm. On my left ovary non the less! It shocked us all! So I am in the dreaded Two week wait... I finally did't have a natural surge and actually got to trigger! Dannys numbers improved from 5.3 million to 20.5 mill this cycle :) We have discovered his boys don't recover that fast haha ( due to freak out of O'ing early last cycle we BD'd 2 days before IUI) This cycle we did the usual 3 days before IUI.

I keep saying everyday no matter how i'm feeling that day.. This cycle is going to work. We will have the best early christmas present ever! How's THAT for being positive?! Take that pessimistic mind :P

Anyways.. just working, not enjoying the time change.. its dark to early which makes it feel SO much later than it is! I do not like it.. We're expecting MORE snow tonight.. anywhere from 4-9 inches.. Wow. Colorado I didn't know you had it in you.

I'm addicted to Pinterest now.. Yeah *lol* Thank You Tiffany a fellow infertile :)! (We're both due for our bundles) I totally want to just get in the kitchen and cook all the recipies I just found today alone! Best thing ever! Oh and make that easy wreath I saw as a craft idea. Awesomeness!

Thats about it.. just plugging along.. not enjoying Endometrin any more than Crinone hahah Still just as messy and not fun!

Off to bed I think.. After a giant glass of water that will make sure i'm up 5 times to pee.. Thank you Trigger Shot!!

~Nicki

Excited :)!

So far the end of this month is awesome.. I only hope this nice streak continues!! I know i've kinda neglected my blog a bit.. been busy with work and trying to figure stuff out.. Luckily.. *knock on wood* all is coming out in the wash!! Think I'll do a bullet post today!

~Last cycle didn't work.. I left a message with my Nurse at the RE's office telling them we needed to save money for meds in order to cycle again. I suprisingly got a call back.. In which she offered a 900iu pen of Gonal-F.. For FREE. Me and Danny were estatic!!! So of course we jumped on it and are So thankful!

~Baseline went ok.. One cyst is still there.. but smaller and another appeard on my left? Weird! But they are both non-hormonal and small! SO I can still cycle! Started off on 75 iu this time!!

~ Next appt is on Wed.. here's the kicker. It supposed to SNOW. Like.. alot of snow.. Ack! My appt isn't until later.. so I might call and resched it to tomorrow.. I dunno. It could probably do nothing. But In any case.. i'd be late for work.. (thank god for Intermitten leave!)

~We finally got a consolidation loan thru the Federal Credit Union that has my car loan.. Why we didn't think of them sooner is beyond me! But the only way they will do it is if the close out the accounts.. Go for it. If we need an emergency one.. we will get it later. The only one we kept was my Lane Bryant one because of my bras. Fair enough.. they are expensive and they are sexy/cute! Plus its not a huge card.

~We need to go sign the papers and all will be well! So we will be saving a little over $120 a month! WOO! We can actually SAVE money. Only thing that sucks this month is the new cars tags are due.. Ew. And its a little tight this month. BUT its worth it :)

~ Jason Aldean WAS AWESOME! Had So much fun!! Just wish I would have brought my bigger camera.. my Canon only has like 5x zoom.. where as my Kodak has like 12x zoom.. I need a smaller one with a bigger zoom! SO in turn when we have big events to go to... we don't need to drag around the big camera.. I want one of those flip cameras too.. they are a video camera that is small like a camera!! But it was amazing! Totally different than the out door concert..and the noise was so very different and so very loud!!! But it was awesome. I want to go again. I got a calendar this time and danny got the liscense plate :) Kayla got one of the shirts I got that says on the front ' I'll take a Ride' and on the back is says ' On your big gree tractor' with Jason Aldean on the bottom :)Its super cute!! Love Love Love!!!

Thats about it for now!!

~Nicki

Bed?

I should be going to bed! I'm tired but not tired. Danny is doing hospital watch tonight so won't be home until 3ish. I don't know how I could live with my husband being gone for days at a time. Couldn't imagine how we would survive!

Doing ok.. the 2ww is going by.. well slow haha. Hopefully we will be setting up christmas soon! Hours are getting cut at work for a while.. it sucks.

I need to vent but I can't really vent on here.. it sucks. So in that case.. I'm off to bed to cuddle under the blankets because its cold!

~Nicki

Mixed emotions.

So I don't think I ovulted when I thought I did.. because after the trigger later the next afternoon I had some pretty decent ovulation cramps and that morning I had some nice ewcm! Only wish we could have used it lol!

So today we had the IUI.. only had 5.3mil post wash :( But we did BD monday afternoon because I freaked out! So we think thats why. The nurse and RE said ladies have gotten pregnant with less.. So fingers crossed! I start Crinone Friday.. and testing out Trigger tomorrow!!!

~Nicki