I wish I could scream.

I just want to scream and cry and throw a big fit. Instead.. I'm just pouting and not talking except in short sentences... Just drew a blank...


So I'm so over trying for a baby... I'm just at that point I have no hope left.. when you have put everything you have into something and get nothing in return. Everytime you see that negative staring back at you, you just get a little more deflated each time.. Well i've been delfated so much I just have no air left to deflate... That's how i'm feeling right now.. Deflated.. beyond deflatedness.. If thats possible.

I'm going to go to try and have a good weekend and drink a massive amount of wine... (hopefully hahah ) See my brother for our once a year visit.. which sucks, and try not to argue with my mom or be in a bad mood.. this should be interesting. Gotta go finish laundry then bed.

Disconnected.

That's how i'm feeling right now.. Very disconnected.. from work, from my marriage, from everything. Not sure how to get it back to where it was. I haven't talked to Danny yet.. I was going to.. but he decided to have a few drinks after taking his meds for his back.. and well He's asleep in bed after I told him to not fall asleep on the couch.. it would probably not help his back. SO.. That will have to wait.. and probably not till tomorrow night. Having our Thanksgiving tomorrow early afternoon.

I feel a giant meltdown coming on. Don't think its gonna be very pretty! I'm just sick of everything need a change massive.. BUT we all know that won't happen. Ugh.. Not looking forward to cooking a bunch tomorrow in a rush like always.

I need a double oven.

In the meantime while I dream of that.. Gonna watch Dancing with the Stars then maybe do my floor and go to bed.. I'm tired too slept like SHIT last night!!! Took a nap.. but i'm still tired.. Ugh..

~Nicki

Desicions Decisions...

So.. this cycle didn't work.. Which goes to show me it doesn't matter HOW positive you are... Now me and Danny have a decison to make... Do a few more IUIs or Move onto IVF. After thinking so long that its gonna be the only thing that works for me.. The thought of it freaks me out.. Its a big process...requires alot of time... If I get preg My vacation time I wouldn't be able to use.. plus using my sick and personal for LOA to take off at transfer time. Its alot to think about.. hopefully we're on the road to better money. So we could have a few months worth of saving after having a munchkin.

We're looking into a company that my clinic works with to finance IVF.. its says everyones approved.. so we'll have to see about that and there is a refund garuntee program if you don't bring home a baby. You can purchase 1 (fresh, frozen),2 (2 fresh, 2 frozen), or 3(3 fresh, 3 frozen) IVfs. I think we would go for the 2 or 3?? Depends on the clinic tho which ones they offer..

I have SO many questions.. and don't even know where to start! How many would my RE transfere? Am I poor responder? Are my eggs worth it? It is worth it to us to do more IUIs? I need to call and make an appt for an IVF consult.. I need to find out their stats too..

One thing that really bugs me.. is we have one of the best IVF clinics in the country (CCRM) .. in the state I live in.. But as far as I know they do not do any financing options that i'm aware of... and I think its all the way in Denver. The sister clinic to my clinic I go to is in Auoura.

So.. thats whats going on in our neck of the woods.. We did say after 4 our 5 IUIs we'd move onto IVF. If we have a consult we probably wouldn't start cycling till February or March. I'm GOING to loost some weight..

IN other news.. SO READY for this year to be over.. I swear we've spent every month BROKE. So sick of doing advances on our bank, living pay check to pay check. My mom dropped of Bailey last night and left a check for watching him.. it was 300 dollars.. Way more than I expected. We're just gonna sit on it, cept for a few things we need form the store.. like Eggs hahah. Then hopefully after the new year we can start working on medical bills from RE.

The good stuff that happend this year was pretty minimal.. and the bad that happend well.. was just bad. I think the Chemical right before we left for our anniversary was the worst.. It just hasn't been our year. I'm ready to start fresh. I'm sure Danny is too. Please Lord let 2012 be our Year!

Also.. I need some reassurance.. which.. I don't know where to get.. I wish there was thing that told you the right and wrong decision! Oh well.. Dannys at training.. and I need to feed myself.. cause i'm hungry.. and maybe do some pinning.. Its only the best thing ever invented.

~Nicki

Slacker.

Yep thats me.. I've been slacking.. I'm blaming it on the weather.

Well the rest of the cycle went smooth sailing.. So to speak! I ended up with 1 maybe 2 follicles.. Biggest being around 17mm. On my left ovary non the less! It shocked us all! So I am in the dreaded Two week wait... I finally did't have a natural surge and actually got to trigger! Dannys numbers improved from 5.3 million to 20.5 mill this cycle :) We have discovered his boys don't recover that fast haha ( due to freak out of O'ing early last cycle we BD'd 2 days before IUI) This cycle we did the usual 3 days before IUI.

I keep saying everyday no matter how i'm feeling that day.. This cycle is going to work. We will have the best early christmas present ever! How's THAT for being positive?! Take that pessimistic mind :P

Anyways.. just working, not enjoying the time change.. its dark to early which makes it feel SO much later than it is! I do not like it.. We're expecting MORE snow tonight.. anywhere from 4-9 inches.. Wow. Colorado I didn't know you had it in you.

I'm addicted to Pinterest now.. Yeah *lol* Thank You Tiffany a fellow infertile :)! (We're both due for our bundles) I totally want to just get in the kitchen and cook all the recipies I just found today alone! Best thing ever! Oh and make that easy wreath I saw as a craft idea. Awesomeness!

Thats about it.. just plugging along.. not enjoying Endometrin any more than Crinone hahah Still just as messy and not fun!

Off to bed I think.. After a giant glass of water that will make sure i'm up 5 times to pee.. Thank you Trigger Shot!!

~Nicki